unapologetically bex

grabby tail

2009-07-02T11:02:00.003-05:00

I'm having a mildly ridiculous day! It's kind of like a sick day without the sickness. I've been watching bad morning television, which is difficult but not impossible. I got in some maury, view, and now zooboomafoo. woot.

so my macelod is gone on an adventure and i am left a fey without my poehler. i'm surviving though. i start baby camp next week and i'm so excited! i think i'm most excited about my upcoming trip to the dollarstore! i know it's wrong, but i love that place! especially when i'm spending someone else's money!

numbness chronicle-wise my body is back except for my arms and hands which are still having some function trouble. ah well. i may be starting yet another drug adventure soon!

spring fever!

2009-06-03T10:42:00.002-05:00

June! Time for health foods and some serious academia! I've been drinking green tea, writing poetry, gardening, and dancing around with smoke curls of incense. Despite all of the self care I'm still numb. It's week five now and my feet are almost completely back, which is wonderful and hopeful! My hands are still not in good shape and my energy is up and down. Yesterday I had all kinds of grand plans and I just couldn't do it. I've done a lot of sleeping lately.

Anyway, things are lovely in general.

stuff i meant to write down:

Everyone has to come to my place on Canada day to watch fireworks on the balcony! Victoria day was amazing!

I also got to spend some lovely time with a 6 week old baby last week, which makes me happy! He slept on my chest for like half an hour.

chocolate is forbidden

2009-05-24T22:19:00.003-05:00

i'm quite bitter at the moment. there's something very wrong with the fact that my body hasn't been functioning for three weeks now and i'm still putting off changing my diet and my life style in an attempt to do something about it. inspirational stories make me want to puke. all i want to do right now is tear down people's hope. this does not help anyone.

i read the ms diet book until it said chocolate was forbidden. then i got stuck on the fact that i didn't want to live in a world where chocolate was forbidden. maybe it's a self-esteem thing where i feel like i actually can't do this. maybe it's extreme laziness.

i don't want to change my diet, i don't want to take the injections, i don't want to sort out the paper work, and i don't want to be numb.

uncomfortably numb

2009-05-14T22:46:00.002-05:00

i haven't written in awhile due to the fact that i'm in the midst of my first ms attack in 2 years. i'm numb from the neck down and my fingers aren't working s typing is difficult. i no longer subscribe to the rules of capitalization. this is what that sentence looks like if my hands are in the proper position:

i no longer xubsceribe xo gvfhj ruesw of wap0utaqoisastu9inws,

a little rough at the end there. i'll try to update more often.

I'm a rockin' Vagina DJ

2009-04-25T19:41:00.002-05:00

I don't know what it is about those Black Eyed Peas, but almost every song they've ever put out seems so stupid at first, and then it becomes unbearable to go through a day without listening to it three or four times. Except that stupid graduation-y song... that one is just unbearable.

I came home today before the storm hit, jumped in the shower to cool off after walking around in the sunshine, and when I got out the wind had picked up so much that I had to throw on a skirt and tank top and run out on the balcony to rescue my couch cushions and other balcony accessories. As I rushed around collecting all of our stuff the wind nearly knocked me over and it wouldn't stop blowing my skirt up over my head. So if you were on Yonge street near my place today around 6:20pm, you're welcome!

I've been off the blogging for just over a week now due to final paper time, but I am now officially done my course work and I'm taking a little break before I head into thesisizing. Yay! I've done very little all week. Responsibilities pick up a little next week, but not too badly! There will be plenty of time for napping! I'm realizing that being out of school might mean that I have to budget my restaurant spending a little more. All I want is lunch specials when I'm here for lunch time! Very dangerous. I may have to invest in some fancy cheeses and satisfy my lunch cravings with delicious grilled cheese. This seems like a reasonable solution.

Oh yeah, my team raised $1,534.50 for the MS Walk! Go team!

nonononononononono NO!

2009-04-13T17:41:00.001-05:00

I am kicking and screaming into this next essay. So tired! Just want to eat snacks and watch X files! Bad bad bad. How come napping doesn't produce papers?

Comin' Atcha!

2009-04-07T00:07:00.003-05:00

On April 19th I'm participating in the MS walk for the second year and I'm excited! Team Comin' Atcha! will be enthusiastic and accompanied by a puppy. We will also eat as much free food as possible. If you're only going to to donate to one cause, pick this one! Donations of $20 or more get a tax credit, but every little bit helps. If you'd like to pledge me or my team clickhere and search Rebecca Wood. Help me raise some sweet cash for MS research and supporting people with MS and their families! Since being diagnosed three years ago (in June) I figure if I walk now, maybe when I need it the funds will be there for me and my support network.

From the MS Society of Canada website:

What is multiple sclerosis?

Multiple sclerosis (MS) is an unpredictable, often disabling disease of the central nervous system — the brain and spinal cord. The disease attacks the protective myelin covering of the central nervous system, causing inflammation and often destroying the myelin in patches. In its most common form, MS has well defined attacks followed by complete or partial recovery. The severity of MS, progression and specific symptoms cannot be predicted at the time of diagnosis.

Who gets multiple sclerosis?

Multiple sclerosis can occur at any age. It is usually diagnosed between the ages of 15 to 40, during the career and family building years. It can make its first appearance in young children and in older adults. MS is more than three times as likely to occur in women than in men and is seen most commonly in people of northern European background.

What are some common MS symptoms?

MS symptoms are unpredictable and vary greatly from person to person. Symptoms may include: vision disturbances such as double or blurred vision; extreme fatigue; loss of balance; problems with coordination; stiffness of muscles; speech problems; bladder and bowel problems; short-term memory problems, and even partial or complete paralysis. Please keep in mind, not all people with MS will experience all symptoms and often the symptoms will improve during periods of remission.

Sodomize Intolerance

2009-04-04T21:52:00.002-05:00

Last night Jess and I had the perfect rainy day evening to reenergize our moods and our love for one another! We went for some delicious pasta and then headed back to my house after a quick stop at HMV where we enjoyed the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and all of the special features. It's becoming apparent that we are developing another painful irrational crush. Let's face it the screaming, squealing and holding of breath has been going on for weeks and now and the dreams have started. Baby it hurts to love them! They would just love us so much! Why don't we know them?

After Sarah Marshall we watched some youtube, some Baz Luhrman Romeo and Juliet, and then we listened to his sunscreen song and reminisced about grade eight dances and overwhelming love for Leo. Sometimes it's terrifying to me that those moments are gone. My memory of those dances feels so close. They were so intensely steeped in emotion! I'm not good with endings. I never have been.

Today I did some craft show running around and now I'm watching Moulin Rouge and periodically doing dishes. I don't want to do school work tonight. So I won't. Bah! I just learned last weekend that there are actual rules to doing dishes. Am I the only one that didn't know this? My dad used to tell me he'd give me a lesson on how to wash dishes and I always thought he was just trying to trick me into doing dishes! Anyway... dishes and movies. That's what I need right now.

in need of dry socks

2009-04-03T15:31:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling bizarre and unsettled. Maybe it's just a rainy day feeling, or maybe it's the ominous cloud of 'ending' hovering over me despite the fact that the end is actually weeks and pages away. I'm disturbed, disquieted, discomforted.

Today was a day of scissors and glue, and babies and boys. A day of poetry, eating, sharing, and worrying. I sat in class and channeled my anxiety into peeling little flecks of orange paint off of my pencil, trying to reveal all of the soft wood, bending and chipping my nails looking for that organic centre.

My feet are damp and my heart feels soggy.

Oh be joyful! Oh be joyful! Oh be joyful put your sorrows away!

2009-03-29T22:22:00.002-05:00

It's so amazing that last I had six people in my apartment that I have known for almost ten years, 12 years, or 18 years respectively. We just fell back together and made our taco salad, lit candles, sang grace, reflected on our lives, and talked about the future. It was an intimate camp night and it was lovely. Seven people is just about the right amount to fit in my living room and around my dining room table. This was the first time since I moved in to the apartment that I've actually had a dinner party and it was so great! I even made an impromptu cake because nobody brought dessert.

It as all very camp-like... except for the addition of the wine. Winey wine wine. Between the seven of us we drank seven regular bottles and one magnum. Yowza yowza! We were a little smammered by the time we got into bed at 2am. We were even too drunk to sing. That's pretty drunk. But it was so nice!

This morning the crowd dissipated and around ten the four of us who were left went for breakfast and Dizzy's. Yum Benny's! Then they stayed and helped me do dishes which is wonderful because I would likely still have a giant stack of dishes if it weren't for them!

Lovely lovely times. Now I must hunker down school styles and get through these last two weeks. It's getting serious baby!

I'm robbing you. Don't freak out.

2009-03-26T18:54:00.002-05:00

Turns out the anxiety of last Wednesday night was actually the onset of a violent violent flu. No amount of poking could have stopped the flu induced anxiety! I woke up periodically feeling nauseous all Wednesday night until I gave in at 5:30am Thursday morning and vomited painfully and feverishly and continued to do so twice more before 7:15am. At that point I called my boss to say that I could not hang out with the tinys on Thursday, which was sad but very necessary, and then I lay on my couch trying not to puke all day. That was the worst of it though. Friday I managed to eat a rice cake with peanut butter on it and some egg fried rice for supper and since then I've been slowly increasing my food intake.

I'm heading into my two weeks of academic pain right now... potentially more than two weeks, but hopefully it won't be so bad. I've had to get an extension on a paper due tomorrow because it's just not happening, but maybe I'll crank that one out between today and tomorrow so I can move on to the next paper fiasco. It be a fiasco.

So all of you out there that are desiring my presence... you're not getting it for awhile. After this Saturday I'm declaring no more socializing until April 10th. Good Friday will be good indeed. After that I'll have all kinds of free time where we can have coffee and I can feel panicked about not doing a whole different kind of work. Yes? Yes.

Also, I feel it's important that you all know that I will not be playing the Twitter game. I'm out. No tweeting for me. I only know one person on twitter and he hates being communicated with, so I declare that I just don't get it, and I'm out. I just can't keep up, though I kind of like the bird metaphors.

Spring makes me want to buy things and that is a problem!

Hold devil's pot of tea Mulan!

2009-03-18T21:04:00.002-05:00

Thank that sweet God of War for my Steve who makes me feel better with silly videos. Willis! Willis!

We've Got the Sparks

2009-03-18T20:44:00.002-05:00

Everything before 4pm today was wonderful! First I had a lovely dream where I met Judd Apatow, Jason Seagal and Ryan Reynolds and Apatow agreed to make a movie that I pitched to him and was really excited to introduce me to Seth Rogan, and I got lots of hugs with Jason. We're best friends now. That's right.

Then I headed over to baby camp where I hung out with 11 wonderful 3-4 year olds. There was much glueing, singing, hand holding, and wiping of runny noses. You know you're back into it when you say things like "Oh hello Mr. _____ (I like to call little kids Mr. and Ms.) I'm quite an expert nose blower. Can I help you with that drip you've got?" and then I hold a kleenex up to their little nose and they blow. Twice for good measure.

It was very wonderful to be back in it and get little hugs and hold little hands. I'm excited for tomorrow, except for the part where I leave early to go to my class that I am not prepared for. Yeesh. I was feeling so amazing about school and life at the beginning of this week and then 4pm hit and it all when to hell. My heart started palpitating and I've been on the verge of caffeine/anxiety induced tears for the past four hours. Less coffee tomorrow.

Made to Bend in the Wind

2009-03-11T13:15:00.002-05:00

For some reason daylight savings for Steve and I meant switch our body clocks entirely. This is not good. All week we've been staying up past four and then struggling (and mostly failing) to wake up in the morning. Not good!

In the bluster of today one of our balcony couch cushions flew off our balcony and on to one below us so now I have to play the awkward game of knocking on doors. Hopefully it will be okay.

In addition to my lack of sleep I've also done a lack of school work, which is troublesome. I just want to play!

Can't wait for next week's episode! Oh wait, I'll just watch it now.

2009-03-10T10:40:00.003-05:00

My current lack of sleep is lining up nicely with Mulder's lack of sleep in the episodes of X files season two that Steve and I are watching right now. It's so funny watching these water-cooler type shows like ten years (or more I guess) after the fact. I wasn't quite old enough to be into the X files when they first came out, I just know the opening credits credits creeped me out. I kind of did the same thing with Buffy last year where I just kind of wanted to go back to grade eight and talk to everyone about the wacky plot twists. Does anyone care that right now I just want to know what happened to Scully! Damn that Duane Barry! I'm an after-the-fact nerd. I think next I'll have to take on ER, because that was another show that I didn't really have anything to say about in grade eight. What a bizarre dvd time we live in.

no sleepy

2009-03-05T01:42:00.002-06:00

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I had a coffee at 8:20pm... but it's 2:48am and I am not sleeping. Silly. I got some work done, but it's never enough and now I've got the achy body feeling like I can't possibly do anything more but I have the jittery brain. Not only that, but my brain is jittery and my left temple is overwhelmed by a blinding piercing pain! Yay!

Now would be a good time for someone to come and give me a massage or something. I'm in the strange state of being where I want to stare off into space but when I do I feel useless! And so I blog.

Becca has an innate disposition towards licentiousness

2009-03-04T21:23:00.002-06:00

So much work to do to make life easier! I had my check-in appointment today at ye olde MS clinic and it went quite well! I don't have to do an MRI this summer which is nice, then no more appointments until October. Woot. (I wonder what I'll be doing in October...)

After my appointment I bought, what I like to call, desperation jeans. I have no more jeans... so I bought desperation jeans so that I have pants to wear tomorrow. I think I like them enough that they could become my favourites, but who knows. At least I won't be wearing sweat pants.

All I want to do right now is procrastinate and watch TV on the internet. Oh how I love tv on the internet. I'm going to make some tea and settle in with the articles I need to read. I have so much tea right now! It makes me happy. I made wheat free chocolate chip cookies to go with my tea this week but steve and I finished them last night. They were quite yummy. I almost went and bought more butter tonight to make more, but I stopped myself because that would have just been a tool to avoid work.

I really felt like I had more interesting things to say...

snah

2009-02-25T09:17:00.002-06:00

I slept in 15 minutes more than I should have this morning and decided not to rush down town to try to get in late to an Ethics Review writing workshop that I wasn't actually registered for... so I put my pyjama pants back on and did the online tutorial. I think that's okay. It has been way nicer and way less stressful, so I have no regrets. I've been stressed and falling apart the last two days so online tutorials seemed like the more relaxing option. Today is a busy day and I have a presentation tomorrow. I imagine I'll feel better once that's over.

Life feels overwhelming right now.

New Orchids!

2009-02-15T15:44:00.002-06:00

Fancy new "White Faery" orchid that I got yesterday:

Fancy orchid that my dad got:

I think I'm turning into an orchid person.

Dub-Style!

2009-02-15T15:34:00.002-06:00

Steve and I had a lovely V-day pub crawl last night. Actually the whole day was lovely. We went to the orchid show with our parents and I got a very pretty "White Faery" orchid that makes me happy! My dad got a really spooky paph orchid that looks like sinister faeries live in it. I'll see if I can find a picture to post on the old blinternet.

After the show Steve and I took a nap and then around 8pm started our pub crawl where we stopped at the Duke, the Rose and Crown, and Dizzy's. We could have done the other side of the road too, but money is an issue and although those mojitos on the other side of the street are freakin' incredible, they also cost $11. Too much.

It was quite lovely though and we had a delicious dinner at Dizzy's which made me happy. It's just so good! It was kind of nice to just go for a walk in the neighbourhood and see what's around. Today I slept in, made Steve and I some pancakes, and then wrote a paper after Steve left for work. Suck on that! I wish I had more fun writing to do.

Tonight I'm going to the parent's house for my dad's birthday dinner and then I have to make a reading plan for reading week because I have a lot of damn reading to do... but I also have a lot of tv on dvd I want to watch. Schedules help.

Excuse I!

2009-02-13T21:21:00.002-06:00

IIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT'S READING WEEK! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

This is possibly my last reading week ever so I'm making it count baby! And by that I mean I will likely sleep and get a massage and try to do an ass load of cleaning, organizing and reading so that I feel good about going back to class in a week. Past reading weeks have included struggling my way through (read: taking naps every ten pages) Pride and Prejudice with a sleeping Chihua on my chest, a trip to Cuba... and honestly that's all I remember. Not so many significant reading weeks, but I will miss them when they are gone!

Last night I went to see Coraline with some lovelies from my program. It's the first fancy 3D movie I've ever seen and it was kind of exciting. Though it did make my head ache a little and my eyes feel all dry and funny by the end of the movie. It was a fairly enjoyable experience, but the ghost children were HIGHLY disappointing and rather obnoxious, and Coraline herself is missing something... maybe she's missing a voice other than Dakota Fanning's. I don't know, she's just not quite what I wanted... maybe she's too cute. Anyway, I'm glad I went.

It was especially fun seeing the ten people lined up for the midnight showing of Friday the 13th... that's what's out right? Wait, Friday the 13th is with Freddie and this one is with Jason... So I don't know what's actually out, but those ten men sure did (no ladies in the crowd). I refuse to look it up now. I think it must be something like "Hey Look! I'm Jason", or "Don't Touch My Mask", or "Drab, Drowned, and Pissed Off", or "Camp is for Killing".

I'm sleepy. Who wants to have a tea party over reading week?

Skittly Woah-Oh-Oh!

2009-02-10T12:11:00.003-06:00

I'm understanding more and more that I am a giant emotional sponge. I'm okay with that, I just have to make sure that I let all of those people and things that make me happy wring me out every once in awhile. Otherwise I get drippy.

Today is a happy day for lovers of Andy, Jorma, Akiva, as their new cd debuts. I personally can't stop listening to "Are you there Jah it's me Ras Trent". Although I'm happy for their success, it does pull me further away from any possibility of meeting them. I still nurture a secret fantasy of moving to New York and writing for SNL. I doubt it will every happen, but it would be grand! Once I'm done my masters maybe I'll just sit around and write sketches... or plays... or something with a voice. That would be nice.

I'm in week six of semester two right now sliding on in to some sweet sweet reading week. That means I have six weeks and 60 pages separating me and my degree. Fancy. Then I'm going to go hide in the woods for awhile.

I'm like an oak-veneered fun dispenser

2009-01-28T20:30:00.002-06:00

Today I bumped my head harder then I have hit my head in a long time. I have a resonating skull headache right now and I smashed my head around 2pm. Steve was chasing me with snow from our balcony and I backed away from him and threw myself on to our bed. Only I misjudged how far away the wall was and I cracked the back of my head against the wall with the full force of my body pushing off of the edge of the bed. It made a very loud noise and then I laughed and cried. It's funny when you hit your head... or at least when I hit my head... I always register the noise of the hit before the pain registers. Interesting. It was a hard enough hit that we actually checked to see if the wall was dented. I sure hope I don't have a concussion.

How many times can I write giraffe?

2009-01-28T20:15:00.002-06:00

Last night I had a dream that tederick.com had been updated so that the top right corner was a soundless film of Matt's doings that began with and ended with a really slick looking green logo of tederick himself rotating around in a corporate logo type manner. The oddest part was that the top right film was showing me matt going to the zoo and watching giraffes fart, and then suddenly I was at the zoo with Jess and a number of school groups of children supervising them as they watched elephants and giraffes go down a mudslide, and then proceeded to go down said mudslide themselves. By mudslide I actually mean a wooden slide-like ramp that is covered in mud. Jess didn't want to get dirty, but I was very muddy and the kids took pictures of me covered in mud wearing glasses with one lens.

Once all of the kids had a chance to go down the slide one of the kids came up and told me that she had lost a little metal bit on the slide. I tried to convince her that we'd have to find her a new one, but she insisted on looking for it. She wouldn't say what it was but described it as looking like a pushpin stuck into a peanut and she was worried about the animals eating it. She had also brought her cat to the zoo, so we had to bring the cat with us while we went looking.

When we got to the top of the slide there were a few zoo keepers and a very cute baby giraffe. The cat, who had short hair and very giraffy markings ran up to the baby giraffe. The baby giraffe then ate the cat. He swallowed it like a python swallows a bunny. The little girl screamed. One of the zoo keepers came over and massaged the baby giraffe's neck until it vomited up the cat in a very birthing-like manner. The cat came out as a long-haired fluffy white cat, likely because of the trauma of being swallowed.

And then I woke up.

frollicking in the goo

2009-01-27T20:55:00.003-06:00

I had an incredibly lovely weekend in guelph this past weekend. I presented a workshop at a conference about queer university services and it was just so nice to be in a space where people were thinking about and working towards a collective goal. I attended two workshops, one about non-normative bodies and the movement from the freak show to the peepshow and we watched some porn featuring bodies with disabilities.

I also went to a workshop about sex and chronic illness which wasn't all that helpful and triggered all kinds of stuff that I haven't thought about seriously in awhile... hence my last post. But it was good to think about. It was just nice to be in guelph and to breathe. That place meant a lot to me.

I've been feeling lately like I've lost the "Becca". I've been introducing myself as Rebecca again and falling back into patterns that I associate with that name. Where's the Becca people!

I'm doing my best this week to balance social stuff with school stuff, but the school stuff is eating me. Luckily I'm delicious.

bodies shit and desire

2009-01-27T20:48:00.003-06:00

I'm going through some shit right now. I guess that's not news... it's just different shit. For the first time in awhile I've really felt the need for a community and voice and a creative expression. It's one of those moments when I may need to stop mocking support groups and go back to them for awhile. I just want a sex positive, queer positive, body positive support group to be in. Any leads?

I want to talk about sex, and bodies, and the stuff that comes out of them. I want to talk about pain and disgust and the feeling of not wanting to be touched and all of the guilt and anger and desire that swirls around it. And I want to talk about the fear of that pain, numbness, lack of control that lurks beneath the surface as soon as the sensation stops, or comes back... depending on what chronic box I fit into at the moment.

I want a space where I'm not the only one crying and bleeding and screaming for a nurse in a quarantined room. I don't want to have to explain what it was like while trying to avoid talking about shitting into a plastic bag, or shitting every five minutes, or shitting when I didn't want to. I got to know my own shit.

And I'm sure as much as you love me I should leave out the details.

when's my break?

2009-01-20T11:17:00.002-06:00

I'm attempting to work my ass off this week in order to make my life easier this weekend. I'm not sure if it's working. All of the bookstores in Toronto are trying to scam me, which I find very unpleasant... and my body is a little off. You'd think all the meds I keep pumping into myself would stave off the off-ness, but not so much.

I'm presenting at a conference in the Goo this weekend and I have not prepared, I have a paper due today that is mostly prepared, and I have read 4 of the 10 articles I have to read this week, but only 60 pages of the 300 page book I'm supposed to have read by Friday. I'm trying.

I just made a pot of tea and settled down with the old lappy and my tea pot started belching out water after about five minutes of steeping. What's that about? I've been feeling very science experimenty lately. Maybe I'm questioning my pursual of the arts and humanities? I dunno. I froze an egg the other day to see what would happen. Surprisingly, it turned into a frozen egg. The shell was hard to crack and peel off, but it was very frozen inside. So there you have it.

HoChoSexual

2009-01-11T23:14:00.003-06:00

I'm in a tornado zone right now. One of those places where there seems to be an equal amount of good and bad swirling around me and the sky is turning yellow and it may pass, or it may cook up one sweet mother of a funnel cloud. It's a delicate balance, my life.

I haven't done any school work this weekend, but I feel reasonable accomplished. On Friday I had my first academic shmoozefest, which was initially terrifying, and then (after two glasses of wine) became very enjoyable. Luckily there were lots of prof children there so I was able to warm up by having some very in-depth conversations with a 9, 10, and 11 year old about the books that they're reading. It always amazes me when people my age talk to kids that age as if they are 4. Is it that hard to remember what it was like? I was developing breasts and reading holocaust fiction at age nine for gosh-sanks.

After the shmoozing I came home to find three of my favourite people in the world and we proceeded to have a lovely night of wine, pizza, and Califonication. What more could you ask for? And that led into a Saturday afternoon with my new baby cousin... or baby of one of my cousins... either way we now seem to be Aunt Becky and Uncle Steve and that's kind of exciting. It's a little more real than Steve's nephews who are 17, 19, 22 who call me Aunt Bex. I love baby time. And Steve and I learned the word "Superpoo" which has now entered into our daily vocabulary.

And today was adventures in coat shopping. After trying on about 30 coats I finally found one. It was on sale for $50 and the stitching on the shoulder was messed up so they took off an extra $10! Suck on that! It was time for a new coat. The one I've been wearing for the past two winters was my grandmother's from the 70s I think, and there are holes in the pockets, the armpits, and all of the repairs I did to the ripped button holes last year had fallen apart this year. I wouldn't have made it through the -17 that's going to hit us on Thursday in that coat, so yay for new coat.

Now I'm waiting for Steve to get home from work on the couch in new pj pants and a hoody and I'm waiting for the kettle to boil for some ho-cho. That ain't bad.

watch me while i take this curve

2009-01-08T10:55:00.003-06:00

I maintained my composure about the new school semester until Wednesday night... and then I FREAKED OUT! I suppose I just reached that moment where I realized the work is going to start again and my happy floaty life of sleeping in and cooking dinner this week is about to crumble around me. Damn. This afternoon I have my first core course for my program and I unfortunately fount out that participation makes up 50% of my mark, which makes me nervous.

I already feel tired and run down and panicked. I need to get myself together to teach my class on Friday and then rest up for the week ahead. It's funny, my freak out came on the tale end of a lovely day with Jessica doing nothing but eating Indian food and watching Californication. Maybe I crossed the line of indulgence?

the birds think it's march.

2008-12-27T12:05:00.002-06:00

It's so very drippy outside! All I want to do is nap. I just watched my three PVRed episodes of Weeds and I'm all overwhelmed. That show makes my heart hurt in such a good way! I think I just watched the season finale and it was excellent.

My parents just left for Mexico this afternoon so I'm in charge and I have little to nothing to do. Our cable is out which makes it really difficult to watch trashy television, so I'm going to have to break into some dvds. I may also have to take a nap because I am le tired. Yay for xmas.

Presents

2008-12-24T14:26:00.005-06:00

Much like my favourite Matt Brown, here's my list of prezzies for Chrimmas and Chanukah (keeping in mind I get the weirdest presents ever):

-tie dye sock-like leg warmers
-white sweater-like arm warmers that are white so they look like casts
-six candles
-a hematite bracelet with Jesus and saints painted on it
-paper napkins with a silver pattern on them
-an indoor gardening book
-a pretty scarf
-three copies of Beedle the Bard
-The Bell Jar by Plath
-a book by Eli Clare
-an Adele cd
-longjohns
-a tea pot
-3rd season of 3rd Rock from the Sun
-cash money
-a Magic bullet
-s-bucks card
-stainless steel water bottle
-burts bees chapstick
-sparkly placemats and coasters
-the 2000ish version of Peter Pan
-Finding Nemo
-an Aqua Bulb from my family's game of Chrazy Christmas Mix-Em Up
-black and white scarf
-body lotion
-cookie sheets
-$10 tim's card

Juanita

2008-12-24T14:20:00.002-06:00

Feeling festive! I'm currently in the midst of a wrapping rendezvous at my place with Steve after trudging through the slush in worn out boots that I promised myself last year that I would never wear again. Ah well. I'm feeling good and ready to celebrate the birth of Santa tomorrow. My eight year old cousin came over last night and sang Lonely Jew on christmas which was adorable and then he ate a chocolate star of david on a stick the size of his fist in about two seconds. Hilarious!

I've been sleeping on the couch at my parents house because I no longer have a bed there and have been having ridiculous dreams. For example, I dreamt I was watching the G-rated version of "Jizz in my pants" called "What's in My Pants". It was awesome. I'm tired and full of cookies, cheese, and salty nuts. Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Also, Steve and I just found out that our landlords partner is named Juanita... and that's just magnificent.

Seriously. Nachos.

2008-12-18T12:03:00.002-06:00

Hello!!!!!!!! I'm finished my first semester of my masters and I'm back in the T-dot! I handed in my last essay on Monday while Steve was writing his last exam and when we were done we jumped on a bus to Niagara Falls for some snuggling in a gigantic bed in a gigantic hotel room!

Niagara is kind of like a ghost town this time of year. It's pretty wacky. But we had a lovely time eating delicious food, drinking wine, gambling, lying around, and watching movies. We had some nice walks down to the festival of lights, and down to the falls. We took a lot of pretty icicle photos, and some wintery falls photos. It was a lovely trip! That guy just makes me squishy and full of love!

Anyway, today I'm tidying and baking because I have people from my program coming over for a cookie exchange. I baked like 150 cookies last night, and I'm doing more today! Yay! I may be the only one who actually baked. We'll see!

I wish I could punch your idea!

2008-12-13T13:17:00.003-06:00

I should finish my paper today. Tomorrow sounds like it's going to be tree decorating day, so a finished paper will make that more fun. It's 2:20pm and so far I've had two cups of coffee, a bowl of apple cinnamon cheerios, and I've watched two episodes of Sarah Silverman... that helps with paper writing right? Likely more than watching Exiled, the mtv show that sends former Sweet Sixteen participants to "third world" countries for a week and see how they survive and mature as they learn how to do real work. I watched four episodes of that yesterday and I think it fried my brain.

I want papers to be done! I want social fun time! Okay okay work time first.

CRAB PEOPLE CRAB PEOPLE

2008-12-11T11:50:00.002-06:00

I'm just positively giddy right now! I've printed off my second 20 page paper and there's only one more to go! I'm enjoying some egg nog coffee, and once Steve leaves for his exam I intend to knit and watch some trashy unreasonable television and then maybe go for a little Christmas shopping style walk. I just got a message that Sonal and Bex might come by tomorrow so I have to attempt to finish their present tonight. I feel it is more important than paper writing... I'll get to it. The paper is due Monday, so as long as I get started tonight I can probably do the bulk of the work during the day tomorrow and then have some time to relax on Monday.

Fiddle dee dee.

Steve and I have been watching an insane about of South Park, especially for people who never really enjoyed South Park past the first two seasons where it was still a novelty. In the past two months we've burned through seven seasons and I'd say we watch four or five episodes a day. I have a love for Butters that no one could have predicted.

Also, if anyone needs to brighten their day I strongly suggest watching Canada's Worst Driver with Macelod. I've never seen anyone enjoy that show so thoroughly! "I cannot see!"

Cookies are on their way soon people. So very soon. If anyone wants to bake, let me know!

Involuntary Deviants

2008-12-06T21:24:00.002-06:00

(That title is my current band name, by the way)

My brain is melty and messy! I've got 11 pages of material for my first twenty page paper, but I would say only the first five are polished, so I have lots of work to do. I really wanted to get it done tonight, but the more I do things like blog... the less likely it seems. Must keep working after I blog!

On the upside, I've done almost all of my Christmas shopping, but I really want to start decorating the apartment all festive like and doing things like wrapping, but I feel like I shouldn't until papers are done. Last night I had one of those nights where I woke up every two or three hours and then couldn't get back to sleep because I couldn't stop my brain from listing off all of the things I have to/want to get done. The obnoxious part is that I'm now getting anxious about doing things that I'm excited to do. Bah.

I'm now just working towards the 15th and hoping with all of my might that I'll be done by then. It can still happen, I'm just a little behind schedule.

Soon I will be baking hundreds of cookies.

stomach 36

2008-12-01T18:43:00.002-06:00

My mind is a little bit melty. How is it possibly December? All of my essay preplanning seems like nothing at the moment. This always happens. I do an outline and then I trick myself into thinking that I'm awesome and that I've done so much work, and then I get to the week before the deadline and realize I've done nothing. Nothing of significance anyway. Wednesday will be a wacky day of meetings and completing my last presentation of the semester, and then from Thursday on I shall do nothing but write essays. NOTHING I SAY!

Some one remind me of that when we're hanging out this weekend okay?

Sculler and Muldy

2008-11-24T20:38:00.002-06:00

I'm so very exhausted. I've gotten back into a funny phase of not being able to sleep, and then having ridiculous nightmares when I actually do drift off. It's not a good plan, especially since I have to get up and drag myself downtown every morning. Oh it's getting harder as it gets colder! Today was good though. I got an A+ on my presentation, and now I have one more to go and then three papers... it's do able... it has to be.

So now that I've survived my one academic deadline for this week I can breathe and try to get myself a little bit ahead. Or sleep. Last week was insane because I worked my ass off Monday to Wednesday and then jumped on a bus to Guelph for Thursday and Friday. It was a little much, but it was so worth it! I wandered around the Goo campus in a state of silly bliss and had lunch, coffee, and dinner dates with people before heading over to Sonal and Bex's house where I was assailed with love from their 5 month old puppy. It was also the big Goo craft show weekend, so I got the fun of wandering the show and trying not to spend too much cash. I did okay. It was just so nice to be there and to know that I still have connections and that I'm still welcome. I really needed that.

When back on Friday I headed almost directly to the annual weekend long music night that Steve has been going to since he was little. It was great but, again, I'm tired. Steve and I stayed up until almost 5am on Friday night which was fun, but threw me off my game a little this weekend.

Right now Steve and I are avoiding our readings by drinking tea and watching the Xfiles. It's taking us awhile to get through the first season, but we're enjoying it. I just have to make sure it's not the last thing I watch before sleep because it's clear that my dreams are not just of Duchov-love these days.

I'm currently taking a yin yoga class and I learned this week that it's quite likely my spleen is totally off balance. I gotta work on that.

Unceasingly Present

2008-11-16T22:37:00.002-06:00

Today I read 4 articles, did some yin yoga, went grocery shopping, tried to take out the recycling twice and found the recycling room door locked both times, took a bath, ate sushi, did some dishes, and found a new sprout with buds on my orchid. It was a productive day, and I'm not done yet.

I have grand plans for this week that involve a road trip with craft shows, puppies, and the foods I miss so very much from the Goo campus. I would really like this to happen. It just means a lot of focus because there sure is a lot to do. I think I'll be okay though. This time last week I was having a destabilizing anxiety attack, and tonight not so much, so maybe I'll keep it together this week.

I'm back to having my disturbing dreams. They are filled with death, and the dead, deception, comfort, tears, and struggles. They aren't nightmares in the vivid way that I would describe my past nightmares, but they are unsettling and they make me resist sleep. It's such a toss up when bed is so comfy, but dreams are so distressing. I've cried before sleep too often this week.

Despite everything I'm feeling peaceful. And Santa came today, so what's not to like!

Celebrity Jesus

2008-11-15T14:04:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I got my first round of papers to mark from my class that I'm TAing and I'm excited. I'm nervous about giving grades, but it's so interesting to read the work of these students that I've gotten to know over the last few weeks. Yesterday we had a lovely tutorial where we talked about sex ed. and I answered the question of why lesbian porn is attractive to men. Yay me! I make them laugh and they seem to enjoy it. Hopefully they still like me after I hand their papers back! It's also pretty amazing to see the range of entirely legitimate reasons people have for handing in their papers late, and the amount of bullshit people give you when they just didn't manage their time properly.

After my classes and meetings yesterday Jess and I went shopping. It was lovely. I bought $80 jeans on sale for $30. That's the way! And Jess bought a very shmancy dress. Then we came home to watch some cable-less tv and then hang around with Steve and his friends. It was a lovely evening! It's so funny that without cable the only channels that come in perfectly clearly are the Christian channel, and the Hollywood gossip channel. Apparently the powers that be feel that celebrity news and the Lord are all one needs for television satisfaction. Very tricky.

I think I may be tied to my books all weekend. I've already cancelled all of my Saturday plans and Sunday may also suffer. Bah.

drug money

2008-11-13T11:11:00.002-06:00

I'm so frustrated with my stupid drug plan! My plan at Guelph covered all of my meds, so I just assumed that my new plan would be similar. However, the cover NONE of my meds. I just did my month refill and it cost $270. That's not gonna work. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I have a $300 spending account with them that I can submit under, but I wanted to use that for massages, and one month of drugs pretty much kills it anyway. It's not good. Because I'm still a student I'm still covered under my mom's plan, but it sucks to not be in control of it all like I was in Guelph. I am so very unimpressed! I hate being addicted to so many drugs!

It's unbelievably gloomy outside today. All I want to do is sleep and watch movies, but I have grand plans of academic productivity. Luckily I have very few plans this weekend, so hopefully some productivity will pan out. A girl can hope anyway.

tea?

2008-11-12T08:11:00.002-06:00

It's just so nice and warm here in my chair with my tea.... DON'T MAKE ME GO OUT THERE! OHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASE! I'm just so tired and so cozy! And Wednesdays are such long days!

Oh well. Tomorrow I don't have to go anywhere. I can just sleep and read. Oh grad school is so silly.

frotte frotte frotte mon nez

2008-11-09T13:36:00.003-06:00

I'm finding myself becoming incredibly anxious about decision making again. It's very silly. For example, at the moment I'm agonizing over whether or not I should commit to four weeks of yin yoga on Sunday afternoons. I want to do the yoga class, but Sunday afternoons are kind of a crappy time, considering that's when I do most of my reading for the week. And also it costs extra, and it's raining out right now so I'd rather stay home and cook and do laundry. Very difficult! The yin yoga class was suggested to me by a naturopath and I feel like it would be good for my body, but I'm all anxious about getting there! I suppose I still have 45 minutes to commit. Damn.

The world is a funny place this weekend. I'm potentially being screwed over by my school drug plan, which is no good. And yesterday I rolled my ankle and fell down audibly hard and hurt my left hip and knee. There were at least six people in the vicinity and not a single one of them made eye contact with me or asked me if I was okay. It took me a second to get myself up and sorted and I could have used a hand, but not a single person reacted. Strange. Maybe they were zombies... but I suppose if they were zombies they would have taken me as wounded brain prey, so maybe not.

This is my only week from now until the break when I have nothing due. Let's see if I'm incredibly productive, or incredibly relaxed. I'm hoping for a balance of both.

subjects in perplexity

2008-11-04T21:21:00.002-06:00

I'm taking a brief break from reading to spend some time on the internet learning about all the deadlines I could apply to myself if I want to try for some publishing and some scholarships. It's my policy to apply for every scholarship possible, but it doesn't exactly make it easy when my department tells me about it for the first time on Nov. 1st and says that they are still accepting applications even though the deadline is Nov. 1st. Damn.

This week has been mercifully fast! I have a paper that I have to finish by Friday, but I'm not anticipating any huge issues with it. I'll just have to do it on Thursday. It's been very hard to focus on reading tonight with the election coverage and whatnot. I've been having nightmares about McCain winning. Hopefully they're not prophetic.

All I want to do is snack.

what doesn't bend breaks

2008-10-27T22:21:00.002-05:00

After some jasmin tea, and crossing off some more mundane tasks like doing dishes and rolling the lasts of my stack of pennies I'm feeling a little more stable. It's shocking how quickly and easily I fall into a mindframe of feeling entirely like I'm not in the right place. I'm taking a course right now which is reminiscent of my fem theory class in terms of the pedagogical style and the feeling in the classroom, and it makes me really happy, but at the same time it makes me really sad that my other classrooms don't feel good.

I just don't know. My profs seem to think I deserve to be here. Fake it til you make it I suppose.

dumb kid

2008-10-27T19:36:00.002-05:00

I'm not particularly well at the moment. The next two days are kind of hellish, but instead of tackling my work, right now I'm sitting on my couch watching CTV, since it's the only channel that comes in clearly. That's fine, except for the crap that's on right now. It's just too quiet and too lonely at the moment. I'm failing socially, I'm failing in being helpful, and I'm not feeling good about myself.

I have a paper and a presentation on Wednesday. By tomorrow I have to read 3 articles and get my shit together for the presentation because my group is meeting right after class. I read about ten pages this afternoon and then I fell asleep. I woke up to hail on my balcony, and then slept until 7pm, which really messes up my plans and my brain. I'm not particularly well at the moment. I need Wednesday to be over.

i'm cool, i swear!

2008-10-21T22:05:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I just feel like an awkward little kid tagging along so I can have a chance to talk to people. I'm really trying to push myself to be social, but it doesn't feel (and I don't think it seems) effortless at the moment. As it turns out, I have a shockingly positive attitude compared to a lot of people in my program, and it's becoming clear to me that I have a huge mental block up right now in terms of my own abilities.

Swarmin' Mormons

2008-10-17T16:19:00.002-05:00

I almost got knocked over this afternoon by about fifty young men in suits and shiny name tags thumping bibles all over Y&E. They were literally knocking each other out of the way to get to the most heathen-looking individuals on the street. I managed to dodge them with my mad skills. I'm sure passerbys were impressed.

On another note, I may have done my whole tutorial today with my fly down, which is a pretty good metaphor for how I feel in all of my classes all the time lately. It went okay, but I was pretty bored by the whole thing. I'm just so exhausted that I don't have the energy to bring all my usual zazz to the classroom, but the main points are getting across. Next week will be more exciting, and Halloween is going to rock some serious candy-ass. Oh yeah. I'm not beyond buying their love. I'm even thinking I'm going to start bringing a kettle and tea bags so that we can all drink tea while we learn.

I miss those five year olds!

whatever makes you happy

2008-10-13T22:01:00.003-05:00

It's amazing how "long weekend" translated for me as "you're done school now". Woops. I had a lovely weekend involving two turkey dinners, a puppet show, a benny with Matt, the writing of three letters, and some room cleaning. I also baked, watched 30 Rock, and finished Freaks and Geeks. I wouldn't say it was an unproductive weekend... I just didn't do what I was supposed to be doing. It's about 11pm on Monday night now and I have five articles to read for tomorrow. That's silly. It's to my own detriment when if I don't do the readings, but I may have to play some catch up after class because I'm sleepy!

Tomorrow I have to read one article, write a short paper, and vote. Matt says my blog reads like my depressing diary. I'll try harder to keep it cheerful. I'm falling once in a while, but honestly I'm keeping it together fairly well.

Wrap that turkey in aluminum foil...

2008-10-12T13:21:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning and baked pies. That's a wonderful thing to do! I've never made a pie on my own before! I'm currently baking two pumpkin pies, 6 pumpkin tarts, and something I like to call experimental pumpkin loaf... which is only for true pumpkin lovers. Yum yum yum. Steve laughed when he left me barefoot in the kitchen this morning so he could go off to home depot.

I'm feeling good. I read one article yesterday and did some organizing of my piles of stuff and baking makes me happy.

I hope you're all enjoying turkey/tofurky day!

Divine Malign

2008-10-07T20:52:00.003-05:00

It is much nicer to move through the week without overwhelming sickness taking me down. I'm still not feeling wonderful, but I'm getting better. Last night I was incredibly productive... I read three articles, made two lasagnas, watched two episodes of Freaks and Geeks with Steve and Ben and made a very crunchy wheat-free apple crisp. Today has been less productive, but I'm determined to get through my articles for tomorrow. So much reading!

I just have to push through tomorrow and get my lesson plan done so that I can have a solemn and repentant Yom Kippur on Thursday where I will ironically indulge in a hot stone massage followed by some lounging on the couch watching my PVRed episodes of Box Model and Weeds. I think Yahweh is down with that. I haven't been very nice to myself lately, and surely repenting for self-harm is valuable? I think so. I'll let you know if my name makes it into the good book.

chubby funster

2008-10-02T17:02:00.002-05:00

I'm not well at the moment, which I think is largely based on a medication mishap wherein I didn't put one of my pills into my happy rainbow pill organizer this week. This is not a good thing, and has fucked me up royally. Nonetheless I have to continue to prepare for my tutorial tomorrow and then actually get up and get to campus to teach. This is no easy feat at the moment.

I'm pretty deflated and hurting at the moment and I'm tired. I'm looking forward to the weekend, but I can't help but feel like there is more to do than I can actually get done. Wow, I almost quoted "The Circle of Life" there. Things can't all be bad! I've decided it's too gloomy to fill prescriptions today, so I'm just going to make some cheesy gooey pasta and try to get to bed early.

I really want to have some kind of house warming before it gets too cold to enjoy the balconies! I'm also thinking of a festive Halloween dinner party or something so that I can have folks over before they move on to partying. We'll see. I may also be buried under a pile of theory by then so I'll either be crying or using it as a Halloween costume.

I think someone should bring me a warm chocolatey beverage.

Happy Jew Years!

2008-09-30T16:07:00.002-05:00

I'm all floopy. I got most of my tasks done today, but I think I have to make allowances for my body to rest. I really thought I'd learned that already, but apparently I need reminders. I napped for two hours this afternoon and had a bizarre range of dreams that varied from Steve and I moving into my Zaida's old house with one of my rivals from highschool, to Steve turning into a small child who kept hitting me, to eating Ferrero Rochers where each chocolate in the three-pack was missing an element. What does it all mean?

I'm drowning a little bit in all of my stuff right now and I really need to organize. I had a mild anxiety attack last night, but this week is going well. I've talked in all of my classes so far this week, which is a vaste improvement, and tomorrow I'm going to talk in my third. I have two articles to read when I get home from family dinner, and I imagine my long nap will help with that.

I like sitting around in my pyjamas watching Mad About You. Do they give Masters degrees for that?

Soup.

2008-09-27T20:17:00.002-05:00

I've been sick for over a week now and I'm feeling exhausted and disconnected. My walls are still white, but there is no lack of stuff in the apartment, which is strange. I'm home alone tonight which has meant reading, taking a long hot shower, and then sitting around on the computer for awhile. I'm planning to make some soup and then read more... which pretty much applies to my daily activities lately.

Life is shockingly up and down right now. It's hilarious how in the summer I told everyone that I thought it would be good for me to get into a routine... and to some extent it has been, but part of that routine has become at least two days a week where I feel immobilized and depressed and anxious to the old point of uncontrollable crying. I'm not sure how to work that out, but it's not a good thing exactly.

sicky sick sick

2008-09-19T17:22:00.003-05:00

I'm sick and it's not so good. I'm hoping to recover by Monday and get a lot of reading done while I'm recovering. Luckily being sick is helping with my soup addiction I have developed. There's no guilt in eating multiple cans of soup when my throat is sore. This week was difficult. But I saw a newborn baby yesterday, so it's not all bad.

I hate my stupid immune system suppressants. I asked my doctor yesterday if it's counter productive to take immune boosting vitamins while I'm on these suppressants. He looked at me like I was insane. I think it's an entirely logical question.

Involuntary Deviance

2008-09-15T22:42:00.002-05:00

I've been tossed back into academia, and let me tell you, it is more unpleasant than a morning dip at 7am on a nose-freezing July morning dragging a group of unwilling twelve year old girls behind you in their damp bathing suits. I'm trying, lord how I am trying, but I have the overwhelming sense that what I know isn't good enough, and what I'm interested in knowing is of very little importance. But it's only week two, so I'm grasping desperately at my soul and passion... you can't let go of those until at least week five. And it's not even grey yet.

In bodily news, I'm anxious and crying, my hand was numb today, and my colon continues to try to self destruct while I hold back my imune system with scary drugs. After my classes this week I get to go on a Thursday trip to the hospital. Yay.

On the upside, I'm full of Duchovlove and will be quite sad when I burn through the last two episodes of Californication. I'm thinking my next series to tackle is Freaks and Geeks, but I'm very tempted by Pushing Daisies... does anyone want to buy the first season when it comes out this week and then lend it to me?

The apartment is coming together. There will be a housewarming soon, and it may involve home made pumpkin pie. I'm not sure yet.

800

2008-08-27T09:04:00.002-05:00

I'm currently sitting in Steve's livingroom all alone watching Family Feud and drinking tea. I'm not quite ready for the outside world yet. Soon though. I need a little relaxing this morning. I had some scary intense dreams last night and I've been very very tense and crying a lot in the last few days.

This is wacky transition-fest. I'm taking apart and packing up my bedroom in my parent's house for the first time since I moved down to the basement in grade 11, which is an odd experience. There are so many things that I'm not ready to throw out, but that I really don't want to drag around the city with me. Difficult.

Steve and I have an apartment and I'm under strict instructions not to make it too girly. I'm not an incredibly girly girl, so that should be easy enough. I'm trying to scrapbook a lot of the things that I've had up on my walls at home and at the Box so that we can start fresh at the new place.

So next week is moving and orientations. It's going to be interesting! In the mean time Nomi and I are going for some restorative yoga tomorrow, which I have just learned means that you do all of the postures lying down. Bring it on!

he spelt me up!

2008-08-19T13:37:00.002-05:00

I'm back on vacation! Yay! I made an insane amount of money hanging out with some lovely kids last week, had some weekend in Guelph time with some friends and a puppy, and now I'm enjoying some lounging with my love. I got some school business done yesterday and now I have to get into apartment mode. Oh boy.

My life is wheat free and pretty good.

showcase showdown!

2008-08-06T10:17:00.003-05:00

I finished July of baby camp and now I'm into the bizarre patchwork of relaxing and responsibilities which will make up August. I'm having a lovely morning trapped in Steve's house. Sometimes that's a good thing for me. He's working and his mom is out for awhile and I don't have a key to lock the door behind me, so I have no choice but to watch Montel and the Price is Right while drinking tea and catching up with the internet. Me and my Earl Grey are quite pleased right now.

Apartment hunting is horrible, by the way. I have a list of like 25 places to call... but right now the wheel is spinning and I don't want to! My anxiety over phone calls has been obnoxious lately. I'll get it together. I always do. If anyone out there has the perfect two bedroom in T-dot for around $1000 a month, you let me know and I will bake you a treat of your choice!

Is everyone excited for me to be back in school so the blogging pumps up again? Does anyone but Matt notice whether or not I blog anymore?

It's my birthday!

2008-07-28T15:24:00.000-05:00

Here's hoping that 23 is the year that I don't get diagnosed with a chronic disease.

OH yeah OH yeah

2008-07-07T14:01:00.002-05:00

Well the pro-lifers were out with giant signs on Eglinton today, the traffic lights are out, and my brother got mugged last night. The world is a horrible and scary place today, unless you're a five year old... particularly the ten five year olds in my group at fun camp. I almost didn't think that I would be able to get through today with my three hours of sleep, and an MRI as the prelude, but I managed quite well. I just jumped right in, and it was good! I have 8 boys and 2 girls and they're pretty content. The best moment of today was when they discovered a plastic toy bear that has a "karate-chop-action" ax attached to its body and then named it "choppington bear". I have no idea why a bear would have an ax attached to it. It's Dr. Evil-esque.

Intestinal Flora

2008-07-05T10:02:00.002-05:00

After nine weeks of insana-crap (literally) I've just been diagnosed with C-diff, a virus that killed lots of people in Montreal I think... I'm not looking into it to hard. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be fine. The hospital doesn't seem worried about me being contagious, they just said I shouldn't prepare food for other people. So take that all you lazy people who like me to make dinner for you! I'm making my own damn dinner! Apparently it's possible that this is a false positive, but I'd rather have c-diff than a chronic disease, so here's hoping!

I'm about to take my handful of 15 pills, have some breakfast and then go to the zoo! Yay! I had a dream that the zoo had a special animal themed cake decorating location, and that the zoo-tags you had to wear when you paid admission were shaped like giant giraffe heads that kept getting bigger. I'll let you know what pans out.

In the Predni-zone

2008-06-17T17:43:00.002-05:00

I'm all drugged up on little bitter steroids. HULK SMASH! I'm a hundred pages away from the end of Potter 7 and I had to take some time away from it today because of my emotional fragility. I think it's time to find some counselling in t-dot because I'm annoying myself when I'm around friends and I can't seem to pull it together.

Other than the drugs, I had a good day today. It involved a massage and a nap, so good for me. Despite the fact that I haven't really been out and about in June, I'm doing pretty well with my list of goals, which is very nice.

If A Death Eater Kills My Pet I'll FREAK OUT!

2008-06-12T13:53:00.003-05:00

After celebrating the wonder that is Tama last night I was pretty much drained and doubled over in stomach pain, which is really no good. I'm exhausted and emotionally... sad I guess right now, which I think is a combination of life happening and messing around with my medications.

In light of the sad feeling I declared today an outdoor Potter day. When I got home from Steve's I made myself some breakfast, grabbed up Deathly Hallows and have been alternating between porch swing and hammock as my reading location of choice. I'm taking a brief break to make a snack and do some blogging at the moment.

I may try to hit up an evening yoga tonight if I can manage the walk to the yoga shoppe, but I'm not sure that I can. I might just do some independent backyard yoga. My body is shockingly heavy and it's hard to fight it, so maybe I'll just keep riding the Potter train... which I suppose would be the Hogwarts Express, but that's not really a reasonable thing to say when reading book 7. Oh book 7. I can't decide yet if getting back into this is to make me feel better today or to feed into some twisted self-destructive emotional down-spiral.

I'll let y'all know.

blah

2008-06-10T12:12:00.002-05:00

The plan was to recover from all the illness and then start up with the blogging again... but clearly that's not going to happen, so here I am. I think I'm on six weeks of feeling pretty terrible and having unpleasant stomach issues, but my energy levels are relatively up and I'm trying my best to keep doing things instead of just lying around all day.

Yesterday was my official convocation from the U of Goo. It was good, but definitely sad. Done and done I suppose.

"You could kill two birds in the stones" -My Doctor

2008-05-12T18:21:00.003-05:00

10pm Wednesday to Thursday I spent 19 hours in a bed in Emergency trying to stay awake for a variety of testing for some bad stomach problems I've been having. As per usual with my wacky body, I went for a follow-up this morning and they don't know what it is, so they put me on some new meds (two pills two times a day, beefed up to four pills two times a day if I'm not better by Saturday) and I have to go back next week. Meanwhile I'm pretty much bedridden and in varying degrees of pain and discomfort. Yay!

In lieu of providing more details, here is a list of things Jess and I did to keep ourselves awake in the hospital (she made it until 7:00am, and then she started crazy talking so we called Steve in for a shift change). Anyway... we're brilliant.

Up All Night Games with Jess and Bex:

-What is your Jeopardy story? (real or imagined)
-One word stories (like the improv game... Jess kept making them about poo... topical)
-Celebrity Six degrees of separation (Notably connecting Michael Cane to Queen Latifah, and Zack Braff to Gwenyth Paltrow)
-Hospital Karaoke
-Hospital Don't forget the lyrics
-I reenacted last weeks episode of Lost for Jess because she had missed it (including the theme song summary song)
-We gossiped as best we could and tried to overhear the nurses station gossip... it turns out they're pretty boring. Though they did go on a McDonald's run around 3am, and Jess did hear that they were calling me Hard Poke (because my veins are so hard to get). I kind of like it. It makes me seem less slutty.

That's all I can think of at the moment. I'll edit if Jess remembers stuff that I don't. It was our weirdest sleepover ever.

blood flow

2008-05-04T17:40:00.002-05:00

I've had a silly fake mother's day today, including a buffet brunch where there wasn't enough food and we had to negotiate the price of our meal (it was supposed to be $25 per person for six of us, and it came down to $20 for all of us). Then I did some reading and some apartment hunting. I enjoy activities that require minimal movement today.

My tummy has been troublesome again so I'm quitting coffee and re-thinking my diet in general. Something ain't right and quitting juice just isn't going to do it. I have to try to keep myself motivated this week. There were too many crashes last week and I'm not ready to go back to random fits of tears and an inability to get out of bed without someone dragging me.

I've got baby camp meetings to go to and gyms to join! I also have to bravely call some doctors this week. I was supposed to have an MRI in April, and unless they've become WAY less intrusive in the last year, I'm pretty sure I didn't have one. I should also meet friends for lunches, visit new apartments, and organize my finances now that I have money again. Organization and planning rarely evolves beyond list making when I can't get out of bed. Also, travel plans are stressing me out. How can you be itching to go and painfully immobile at the same time?

Last Sex with Bex

2008-04-30T10:43:00.000-05:00

Well friends, this will be my last Sex with Bex. It has been a wild ride of intense and hilarious questions, research, and writing. I hope that all of you have been inspired or intrigued by something that came out of this column. Hopefully it's made your world a little more sex friendly and a little more sexy in general! I've managed to answer almost every question that has come my way over the past two years... the only one I couldn't find the answer to was whether or not a person is able to have an orgasm while in a coma. I assume that since people are able to have orgasms in their sleep, or dream-gasms as I prefer to call them, they would be able to have orgasms while comatose. The internet proved unhelpful as it only gave me articles about "how to fuck yourself into a coma", "multiple orgasm comas", and "ejaculations so strong you'll go into a coma". Not so helpful. I suppose I'll leave you all with that mystery to research for yourselves!

As exam periods start up I hope you're all planning a little sexual stress relief. Feel free to think of me as you procrasturbate your studying!

Dear Bex,

I've heard that you're not supposed to brush your teeth before giving oral sex? Is that true? If so, why?

-Minty Fresh

Dear Minty,

The first time I heard this I assumed it was because the intense mint flavours in some toothpastes might irritate a partners genitals if you went down on a person immediately after brushing, but I was recently watching Sex with Sue, and she said otherwise. Tooth brushing often causes little rips and tears along the gum line, so if you brush immediately before giving oral sex, your risks of contracting STIs is hugely increased because vaginal fluid or semen can go directly into all of the little cuts. Interesting! Just so you know, if you need to, there doesn't seem to be a problem with brushing your teeth afterward... though depending on your timing and attitude you might offend your partner!

Dear Bex,

I've been experimenting with piss play in the shower with my partner and I'm pretty sure that some may have gotten in my mouth. I know that thing about how you can drink your own urine something like seven times before it is toxic, but what about drinking someone elses urine?

Pee Pal

Dear PP

(Haha pee pee). It seems that if you and your partner are healthy and free of STIs, there's not a whole lot of danger in ingesting each other's urine.

You should be aware that urine tends to be acidic, and since it is a waste product of the body it can contain bacteria and toxins, though it is mostly water based and relatively sterile. Urine contains trace elements of many things like nitrogen, potassium, sodium, and undigested alcohol, and even toxic substances like lead or arsenic. It can also contain trace amounts of drugs that a person has taken, though likely not enough to affect the pee drinker.

Water sports are generally harmless, but if urine gets into the eyes, nose, mouth, or open sores it could cause a lot of irritation. It could also conceivably transmit infections. If you drink a persons pee or it enters your body through a sore, it is possible to pass on a urinary tract infection, Hepatitis B, chlamydia, and even herpes because they all maintain a presence in urine. Also, people who have autoimmune disorders (including HIV/AIDS), diabetes, kidney problems, high blood pressure, or other major medical problems might want to enjoy their golden showers without a taste test in order to avoid possible infection. (TeenHealthFX.com, http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu)

Basically, take care of yourselves and get tested, if all is clear then no worries! I would also recommend drinking a lot of water before playing so that your urine will be more water and less concentrated body waste. Have fun with that!

Bex,

So... is it lazy to use a vibrator? What d'ya think?

-Viscious Vibes

Oh Viscious Vibes, no, I don't think it's lazy to use a vibrator! In fact I think I feel more lazy when I choose not to use a vibrator!

Think of all the effort it takes! You've got to pick which one you want to use, take it out of your toy box, if it's out of batteries you've got to change them, then you have to pick which setting you want, grab some lube if you need it, get the right angle going, have an orgasm... and then in your deliciously relaxed post-orgasmic state you have to get up, clean your vibe, and then put it away! SO MUCH EFFORT!

Don't feel lazy about using your vibrator! Embrace the vibe and recognize how much rewarding work it actually takes to give yourself pleasure. And every once in awhile make sure you give your fingers a little lovin' too!

cold gloomy goo-loph day

2008-04-28T17:30:00.003-05:00

Well I'm finishing off my last long weekend in Guelph before everyone moves. It's gone fairly well. My room is very much dismantled and I'm agonizing over furniture decisions... but I guess it's a good thing.

On Friday I had ice cream and slept over at the Lang's so that on Saturday we could wake up, hit the market one last time, go to Egg cetera (where I had the Arriba... and I should have gone for Mexican eggs benny), then Nomi, Tama, Jack, Dani, and I went to the art gallery on campus. This has been a goal for awhile, so we made it happen. Around the gallery is a sculpture park, which was the best part. Langs and Jess and I walked through the sculpture park quite a bit in our Watson days, but hadn't been there since. Dani was very excited, and Jack mounted a horse sculpture. Excellent.

The inside of the gallery was a little disappointing since most of their displays were down to accommodate a dance show that was taking place that evening. We looked a bit confused when we entered into the gallery and a woman came up to ask if we knew where we were going. Clearly we didn't. She led us up to the second floor where the first exhibit was, and then started knocking on the door of Studio A. We thought perhaps there was another display in the room, so we waited. An dancer woman came out, glanced at us smugly and asked the woman who had knocked "Do they need to change?". She looked at us for an answer and I blurted out "We're just here to see the gallery." The woman who had led us upstairs got all flustered and told us that they were waiting for a dance troupe of five people. It would have been awesome if we had just went with it and put on an impromptu dance rehearsal.

I slept Saturday night at Jess' and then Steve came in on Sunday so that we could hang out and do some packing together. Right now I'm dreading the bus ride back and work tomorrow. I feel like I need to just spend a few solid days here packing, but I'm going to have to leave it all half done. I'm feeling very weirded out about packing up my house. I like the space that I built here for myself with the other Box girls. The fact that I won't be building a new living space with them is scary.

Dear Prudence

2008-04-24T07:14:00.002-05:00

Today I get to go to fashion school! It's exciting, and also makes me worry about what I'm wearing. I've had a shaky ridiculous week involving many tears and insecurities. Luckily grade sevens make you feel really good about yourself... oh wait, they hate everything. They'll think I'm cool soon enough... maybe.

Tuesday night I was a big mess. I called Steve crying (which is a rare occurrence compared to a few months ago when I used to call him crying every day) around 10:30pm and he came to pick me up. We drove and I cried for a while and then we ended up having an adventure involving Niagara falls at 1:30am and a disposable camera.

Today is our 2000th day of being together. We like that.

mating dance

2008-04-16T11:55:00.002-05:00

This past Sunday my team delicious lunch had a wonderful walk to raise money for MS. Thanks to everyone that helped me raise $549.35. Yay! My team all together raised something like $885, which is way more than I ever expected. It was great!

I've accomplished a few things on my to do list this week, but I'm feeling a little off. I guess changing seasons will do that. My brain is giving me a hard time, but I'm doing what I can to keep it together.

Last night Steve and I learned about a bird called the Lyre Bird who lives in Australia (I'm pretty sure) and has an amazing tail feather mating dance, but is most impressive because it can copy any bird call that it hears. It can also copy human sounds like chainsaws, traffic, and camera clicks and motor whirrs. I was totally impressed by the camera noise. It was even in my dreams last night. Go look it up!

Wandering Shoes

2008-04-06T21:25:00.002-05:00

I'm currently in Guelph and a little chilly. I've been working on plans today, and though I've booked some time off for myself this summer, I'm feeling a little concerned that it's not quite enough. Nothing beyond May 31st is set in stone yet, but it's getting close.

I'm starting to get that funny jittery springtime feeling that can either be really bad, or really good. I'm feeling motivated to wreck, burn, and purge. My dreams have become busy again. They border on disturbing, but they are definitely not as bad as they have been, but I think twice before sleeping even though I'm constantly exhausted.

I'm feeling restless and tired at the same time... I don't quite know how to reconcile it.

April 13th is comin' up! Start your Pledging!

2008-04-04T18:18:00.002-05:00

Hey Everyone,

For the first time ever I'm participating in the supercities walk for MS on April 13th and I would be incredibly grateful if anyone is able to donate a few dollars. Also, if anyone would like to join my team Delicious Lunch (as we will be having a delicious lunch after the walk), I would love that! Just head to www.mssociety.ca go to the supercities walk, and join!

If you want to pledge online head to here(which will hopefully work) and pledge me or my team.

This means a lot to me.

Thanks!

doggy lovin'

2008-04-02T07:19:00.002-05:00

I just let my dog out in the backyard to run around while I make tea. I love that beast. He is hilarious! He keeps coming to the door and scratching like he wants to come in, and then when I open it, he crouches down and launches himself away running as fast as he can to the furthest point of the backyard. He clearly wanted me to come pretend to chase him, so I just spent ten minutes in my backyard in my bathrobe and running shoes pretending I was trying to catch a small dog. I look like a crazy person, especially because I'm laughing out loud. He's staring at me at the door right now clearly trying entice me to come out and play.

Earth Hour and a Half

2008-03-30T12:36:00.001-05:00

After a little bit of complaining from Jess that Earth Hour doesn't allow the use of laptops on battery power, the box girls settled in for some earth hour KD by kandle light. When we finished eating we started singing environmental songs. It started with Jess serenading us with a tune written by David Suzuki that her elementary school sang every earth day, the camp songs "sew the seeds" and "this pretty planet", and then moved on to some that we all knew: "Big Yellow Taxi",and "Woodstock" by Joni, and then the less environmental, but equally fun to sing Janis songs, "Bobby McGee" and "Piece of my Heart", and the more enviro ani song "Evolve", and then the Dolly Parton classic "9 to 5", which has nothing to do with anything, but Jess insisted we sing it.

It was lovely.

Sex with Bex 2.6: Sex and DisAbility

2008-03-29T14:48:00.001-05:00

Hello Everyone!

Welcome to the Sex and DisAbility focused Sex with Bex! I've had some exciting times looking through lots of sexy websites and books that provide support and suggestions for people with disabilities, chronic pain, and illness. Yay for making sex accessible! I encourage everyone to take a look at what's out there and educate yourself on all of the fancy alternatives and adaptations out there!

Be safe lube up and send me some questions for the very last issue of Sex with Bex!

Dear Bex,

I used to be really into all things kinky and but ever since I started taking antidepressants it's rare that I want to have sex at all. Where did my sex drive go?

Less Sad, More Floppy

LSMF,

Antidepressants can be troublesome for some people in terms of reducing the desire to have sex, slowing response to stimulation so it takes longer to become aroused and longer to attain orgasm, or causing anorgasmia, the inability to attain orgasm. There are some types that are more likely to cause sexual side effects like Paxil, Zoloft, and Prozac. According to the Mayo Clinic website these may decrease sexual desire and performance in up to a fifth of people taking them. If you are on one of these, you may consider asking your doctor to switch you on to a newer selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, which can still help to manage your anxiety and depression, but is less likely to decrease your sex drive. Alternately you can look into alternative methods of managing depression, which shouldn't affect your libido at all. (http://www.mayoclinic.com, http://www.hormonehelpny.com)

If your lack of interest in sex is starting to affect your relationship with your sex partner(s) and you feel comfortable telling them about your meds, it might help to alleviate any feelings of inadequacy that might be coming up for them because of the lack of interest in sex. It's important to take care of yourself and honour how you are feeling. Don't force yourself to engage in sexual activity in order to please your partner. Try to be honest about what's going on and maybe strategize together about ways to deal with this sexual barrier.

Good luck!

Dear Bex,

I have a lot of trouble using sex toys since I don't have consistent control over my hands. Sometimes I drop the toys or can't get enough pressure. What are some ways to adapt toys or what are some toys that might work better for me?

-Lusty Lady

Dear LL

There are definitely some sex toy options for you! There are some vibrators that can actually be worn on the body around the waist so that they can stimulate the clitoris and you don't need to hold them in place. Remote control toys also exist that can be placed on the body and then turned on with a remote, but they seem to be very expensive and may not give you the pressure you're looking for. To manage the dropping of toys you may want to try a vibrator that can fit on to your hand or finger. There are many small and lightweight finger vibrators that are pretty powerful.

You can always get crafty and adapt toys by making handles largers, attaching assistive reaching devices. Experiment with some inexpensive toys to figure out what works for you. If the switches on your toys are hard manage, they can definitely be adapted. Stores like Come as You Are in Toronto offer to help with getting toys adapted, so there are definitely resources out there! (www.comeasyouare.com)

Web Resources:

http://www.queersonwheels.com/
http://www.sexualhealth.com/channel/view/disability-illness/
www.gimpsex.org
http://www.diverse-city.com/
http://www.deafqueer.org/
http://www.gimpgirl.com/
DisAbled Women on the Web http://www.disabilityhistory.org/dwa/

Books:

Queer Crips: Disabled Gay Men and Their Stories by Bob Guter and John R. Killacky
Pushing the Limits: Disabled Dykes Produce Culture edited by Shelley Tremain
The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability by Miriam Kaufman, Cory Silverberg, and Fran Odette
The Sexual Politics of Disability: Untold Desires by Tom Shakespeare, Kath Gillespie-Sells, and Dominic Davies

All of these books are available at the GRCGED (UC107). There are also several books on Sex and DisAbility available in the University of Guelph Library.

Overneath

2008-03-29T13:48:00.001-05:00

Let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've heard the "Pirates" theme played by a bell ringing choir from an arts high school in Ohio performed in the library of Casa Loma. It was one of those definite "how did I get here?" moments, and I appreciated it.

This week has been exhausting. Field trips every day seem like a good idea, but it takes a toll! After yesterday's trip to Spadina house I got on the Greyhound and headed to Guelph for some much needed Jess snuggling and pizza gorging. We invented the best pizza ever. Just when we thought we could never enjoy Pizza Pizza again, Jess and I created a good one! Sweet chili thai sauce, chicken, roasted red peppers, and red onion. Yum-mers. We also watched Rushmore, which Jess had never seen before and it was satisfying. I hadn't seen it since my first date with Craig when I was thirteen. (Man we were cool!) I remembered liking it, but I couldn't remember any details. When we flopped into bed last night it prompted a Wes Anderson conversation that included this exchange:

Me: Did you see What's it McWhat's it?
Jess: The Darjeeling Limited?
Me: Yeah.

I love that girl. Not seeing her every day has been a problem!

This morning she and the Lang's are in T-dot searching for places to live. I was going to get up and head back to my house, but I decided it would be more enjoyable to drink tea and read Tom Robbins, take a nap, and then get up to write Sex with Bex here. So I have usurped Jess' bedroom until she gets back, and I feel great about it!

Ride that 'Hound!

2008-03-17T19:19:00.002-05:00

Back to tdot all stuffy-headed and phlegmy-lunged and preparing for the work week. I don't wanna work. I just want to eat snacks and nap all day! I finished my last bit of academic writing (for a little while) yesterday which feels good. I only have two more deadlines hanging over me now, and then I can't even fathom another one until September. Yay!

I can't wait until this cold lifts so that I can start contacting new profs and visiting old profs and all around setting myself up to succeed. That's cheesy, but that's how I roll. I hate having real conversations with people when I'm sick because forming sentences is such a chore. Plus I look like hell at the moment and that, combined with the copious amounts of snot, doesn't give off a great first impression.

Since it's going to be a little while before I'm back in Guelph, my goal for the next two weeks is to organize my bedroom in Toronto and minimize the possessions therein. It's all part of the "combining my double life" move that's going to happen at the end of April. Transitions would be much easier if I had no stuff! Or if I had insane amounts of rent money so I could get a place immediately. Anyway, it's all ging to work, and I'm going to fit all of the important things into the tiniest storage space possible, and then I'll take prideful pictures of it.

A Chelsea Morning

2008-03-16T12:08:00.002-05:00

I'm still quite sniffly, but there's tea a-brewin' and Chelsea buns waiting to be eaten, so I'll get over it. Damn those snotty children! It's like a hilarious souvenir I suppose. I'm going to spend today socializing and writing and possibly cleaning, and that's fine by me. I'm not really looking forward to getting back into my Toronto life this week. I would be more than happy to spend the next month and a half in Guelph depleting my funds, hanging out with friends, and eating delicious food, but instead I'm WORKING. Stupid work.

Last night I dreamt of pigs, sea creatures, night parades, and love notes.

Macaw-bre... "that's one spooky parrot!"

2008-03-15T13:06:00.004-05:00

I have a mean cold right now, which is most definitely from spending the week with five year olds. Maybe I needed a good reason to spend a day lying down and eating soup. I wouldn't really mind the cold except for the fact that I can't taste anything. That bothers me. Anyway, I'm back in Guelph for a few days, which I definitely needed. I had a wonderful March break with the tinies, but some grown up time will be good.

I got to play teacher this week which was fun! I love five year olds because they're old enough that they know the system of how to listen, how to make a circle, and how to line up, and they see no reason to rebel. I only had six of them, so I was able to do some fun things that wouldn't have been possible with a larger group. I got to plan all of the programming and make some fun puppets and fun crafts. It kind of made me want to be a kindergarten teacher. I was holding on to that desire for awhile and then I kind of let it go... but maybe that would make me really happy?

One of my favourite moments of the week was when we were talking about our names at lunch time and a little girl asked a boy "Why is your name Bobby?" and the boy said matter of factly "Because my parents saw my penis." Good answer! Man they are hilarious! And underwear is the funniest thing ever! It's kind of funny how bodies, bodily functions, nakedness, and underwear are just always funny. Five year olds understand taboo comedy, even when they don't understand how a knock knock joke works.

It was a good week! Now I need to recover from my cold and get back to the big kids!

Bron-Y-Aur Stomp-y kinda day.

2008-03-09T17:19:00.003-05:00

I'm exhausted, but I'm certified in First Aid again! Tomorrow I'm in charge of a bunch of five year olds and I'm really looking forward to it. At the moment I'm procrastinating... a lot. Which is dangerous when the only computer in the house is going to get taken over soon by young Ben when he gets home from work.

I'm very tired. It's like I don't have the strength to hold myself up. Like I have too much iron in my blood and there are giant magnets built into my floor. Could this be some kind of a prank? The horrifying dreams have subsided a little bit, but I've needed to have someone with me while I'm falling asleep (I've been falling asleep in the livingroom if there's no one to share my bed with).

The sun on the snow is helpful.

Dear diary, today I ate a bug.

2008-03-04T23:06:00.002-06:00

I had a really nice moment this afternoon sitting in my bed under my excellent blankets with a cup of tea and my book and feeling like I was finally home and could finally rest. It was just so nice to breathe! My Toronto room is so cluttered and steeped in high school memorabilia that I feel like I can't breathe. Twenty-two years of accumulated Becca-bits is overwhelming. I'm starting to get sad about moving out of this place, and starting to fear never having a room of my own like this. The prospect of combining forces with someone I love and creating the ultimate functional fort is entirely exciting, but I can't help but worry about not having my tempting teal faery space.

Oh change.

sleep is like a fever

2008-03-04T19:09:00.002-06:00

Today I've dreamt about:

this morning...

-A human sized parrot (red, orange, yellow, and black, with horns) feeding guava, nuts, and french fries to Jess and I. I was being polite and friendly, Jess just wanted the french fries.

this afternoon...

-Preparing to jump out out of a helicopter in a hot air balloon, but the basket was tied around my waist and I was much larger than the other occupants. They sat in the basket and I sat in a corner with my legs stretched out along the edges. I had to wear special shoes for my jump and I needed to ask for help tying them up because I couldn't bend over with the basket tied around my waist.We never made it out of the "helicopter" because there was a murder in the women's pay toilet (it was 5 cents to get in). Blood spattered on the window of the door. Zack Braff showed up to design a dress for a woman on the helicopter. He was immediately suspected as the murderer.

-In pursuit of the murderer the scene shifted to a cinematic one with a psychedelic dance party and a live band. I was twelve. Dawson Leary was there, and so was Matthew Lawrence. I was dancing. Boys kept rubbing up against me. I could feel their boners. Mathew Lawrence pushed me up against the stage and was rubbing up against me. He turned out to be the murderer, which I figured out while he was strangling me and grinding up against my leg.

-Next I was in my Guelph home, discovering that my roommates had built a small movie theatre where a bathroom once was. I went in to pee and a black and white movie started blaring. I jumped.

-I went downstairs and vomited up whole vegetables. Peeled carrots, peeled cucumber, peppers cut in halfs and quarters.

And then I woke up.

kermit the blog

2008-03-01T23:11:00.002-06:00

Steve and I had the best nap every today! It was just unbelievable. It was way too short though. I'm back in T-dot again trying to sort out my week. It's very complicated not being in Guelph this coming week. I have to call my supervisor and sort things out tomorrow. The whole thing has been making me anxious all week! Greyhound is making a killing on my travel though! Oh well. That's what happens when you lead a double life.

I have some school style work to do this week, and some Centre work to tie up, but then I'm pretty much tied up all of my Guelph loose ends, except for that whole moving business. That's going to SUCK. Ah well.

Time for some late night dessert with my weekend update!

flancing

2008-02-28T09:42:00.002-06:00

The strangest thing has been happening lately... I've been having recurring dreams that I've had for the last few years, but now the people in them have changed. The scenarios and the locations are all the same, but the players are different. Just this week I had one where my family members were in the starring roles, and last night the characters had switched to camp folk, kids, Matt, and some unknown but somehow related elderly people. It's very bizarre. I don't quite know enough about recurring dreams to make sense of it, but I guess I'll just bask in the strangeness.

I have a number of meetings and a number of tasks to accomplish this week. My purposeful time in Guelph is running out, and so are my paycheques... but I guess that's okay. It may be time to start my slow transition out of here. This week has been really nice though in terms of spending time with all of my like-minded people and actually accomplishing things on my to do list. I don't know what it is about Toronto, but I think there are so many distractions that I just can't focus and get things done. I'm shockingly okay with it, but this week I think I'm going to avoid tv unless absolutely necessary.

Speaking of tv, I love Thursday nights. I've always loved Thursday. In high school I would demand assignments and tests to be due on Thursday because there was no way I was going to to any work on Thursday nights for a Friday deadline. They are just such a warm fuzzy day! I'm looking forward to my Lang slumber party tonight and then I head back to t-dot on Friday because I have to do first aid training this weekend. Anyone wanna come with me? A full day of life saving makes me tired!

slow clap

2008-02-26T21:44:00.002-06:00

I don't think I can do any more work today. I got through a whole list of tasks today which is good, but I still have some writing to do for tomorrow. I think it's best for now to put away the computer and deal with everything else tomorrow. I'm going to settle in, watch some Creek, and drink some decaf Earl Grey. It's pretty quiet in this house, but it's not so bad. I'll rally with the folks tomorrow for Box model, and again for a whole slew of tv on Thursday.

The finale performance from my Tdot job was wonderful last Friday, but I think I'm still recovering. I got some very wonderful goodbye hugs and cards from my favourite kids. It was incredibly sweet. Next week I meet a whole bunch of 6, 7 and 8s. A little scary, and not quite as adorable as this last group, but hopefully they'll think I'm cool!

sex with Bex 2.5: the music edition

2008-02-26T20:52:00.001-06:00

Sex and music are often connected. Perhaps it's something to do with the rhythm, or the bass, or the fact that dancing inevitably leads to premarital sex. Music can set the mood, turn you on, or completely turn you off. Some music has sexual connotations, like everyone knows when a date plays Barry White or "Let's Get it On", they want your bod (and are also incredibly cliché… but maybe you'd find that endearing). Music can be used keep the beat to your "love making", for example I had a friend who loved going down on his partner to the music of MIA (I still can't listen to them without picturing it). You can also use music to drown out those yummy sounds or spanking sounds in an effort to protect your roommates from listening in and feeling sad that they're not having sex... or feeling distracted from schoolwork because they can't help but imagine what's going on. I myself have never made a sex playlist, but I think it could be the next big thing! I was recently at the home of some of my favourite people, and when I arrived they were sitting around swapping sex music and it was really exciting! Maybe this year for Valentine's Day everyone should make sex mix cds for their friends and lovahs. If you get really into it you could pull a High Fidelity and work out the perfect mix that starts with seduction, then foreplay, and then the perfect balance of hard/soft, fast/slow that will culminate in some wonderfully orgasmic track, and maybe add a little snuggle music at the end. This could revolutionize the whole idea of "our song".

I hope you're all out there saving up your questions for the next issue! Lube up, stay safe, and sing a little tune while you're pleasuring yourself!

-Bex

Dear Bex,

My 5 month old cat seems to always come in and stare at me when I'm masturbating… is this odd? Is this going to affect her development into a well-adjusted grown up cat in a negative way?

Loves the Pussy… cat

P-cat,

Surprisingly the internet was troublesome in finding answers about cat psychological effects of watching humans have sex or masturbating. The best I could find was nerve.com's Sex Advice From Cat People, where the general consensus was that it's fine for them to watch. It's more of an issue for you if they're trying to join in. Accidentally rolling on to a cat might not be so sexy. I would say if it's bothering you, lovingly lock your cat out of your masturbation location. Maybe when you're done she'll be so excited to see you that she'll want to snuggle up and you can enjoy some post-orgasmic relaxation. Alternately she might be angry and ignore you, but she'll get over it as soon as you feed her.

Dear Bex,

I recently heard of something called Nasophilia. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with noses? What's the deal?

Sniffles

Sniffles,

You are correct! Nasophilia is a fetish where people are sexually aroused by noses. Watching, performing, or experiencing the erotic sucking or touching of a nose brings about arousal that can be related to the shape or size of a nose, as well as the act of thought of penetrating nostrils. Nasophiles can also be aroused by the idea of the nose changing form Pinocchio style, or changing shape entirely into the nose of another animal ( Tonks, the metamorphmagus in "The Order of the Pheonix", must have made them flip!) or changing the nose into an entirely different object or body part. Surprisingly, to me at least, nasophiles tend to be against rhinoplasty because they fetishize the imperfections of noses. You'd think with the focus on transformation the idea of a nose changing would be appealing. Ah well! (wikipedia.org: Russ Kick. Everything You Know about Sex Is Wrong: The Disinformation Guide To The Extremes of Human Sexuality (and everything in between). 2005. The Disinformation Company. (Nasophilia p.125).

Dear Bex,

My partner really likes to play Death Metal when we're having sex and I'm not really into it. This is a fairly new relationship and I don't want to cause any frivolous fights, but it's hard to get off when I just want to get out! What should I do?

Metal Dead
M.D.,

This is something you're going to want to bring up, especially since it's a new relationship and you're in the process of establishing trust and communication (I hope). If the music that's on during sex is totally turning you off, your partner may already have the sense that something's wrong and might not realize that the music is the problem, which could cause a whole load of insecurities. If you feel comfortable you could bring it up directly and let you're partner know that while you may be okay with Death Metal at other times, it doesn't exactly make you feel sexy. Then you can suggest some other kind of music for sex. You could go the compromise root and maybe suggest downgrading from Death Metal to Metal ballads (a la Black Sabbath's "Changes"), or you could jump on the aforementioned bandwagon and make yourselves a sex mix cd and rock out with your respective genitals… out.

She Came In Through the Bathroom Window

2008-02-19T12:45:00.003-06:00

I took today off work. I know it's silly to turn down work, but Steve and I needed a little hide-away time and I'm trying to challenge myself to take care of myself. So there! I've finally gotten Steve on the first season of Lost, so we've been through two discs so far and I'm looking forward to more today. We also watched Across the Universe last night which was so much fun! I know Steve and are are shockingly late on this one, but we found it so very enjoyable!

This week is going to be busy and silly and a little stressful, but I'm ready for it. It's going to go fast I think. It's kind of sad to work with a group of 30 kids for 6 weeks, and then just never see them again. Most of the kids I've worked with have been in childcare or at camp, where they keep coming back year after year. These kids are just going to disappear, and then I get a whole new round in a week. It's different. If anyone feels like spending their Friday night watching my group of kids perform just let me know!

So Deliciously Goo-ey

2008-02-15T19:29:00.002-06:00

Back in the Goo! I'm currently with the corners of the box in the ex-box eating Tito's and watching D-Creek. Good kick off to reading week! This time last year three of us were in cuba and one was in paris. Different.

Yesterday was a lovely V-day. All my friends vaginas seemed pleased, and I handed out marshmallow hearts to keep it that way. I got all festively dolled up yesterday and threw a party for my grade 5 kids. I bought them cookies and candy and made a rockin' mix of love songs and we had a fine dance party. I got some sweet Valentines and impressed the children with my moves. It was so much fun. Though I love the political CUNT screaming goodness of Vday, I do miss the kind of Valentines days that involve construction paper mail boxes, writing out 30 cards, and stuffing your face with free candy.

I'm glad to have some time back in the Goo. There's really nothing like sitting around discussing how important it would be to latch on to Sayid on the island in order to stay safe. Can you imagine the four of us clinging to his legs for protection from the smoke monster? Oh it's nice to be back to my life here.

This weekend should extend the Vday festivities as Steve is coming to visit. Hopefully we will build a fort and relax. We need that.

There has been some anxiety this week, but things are good.

Girls what's my weakness? BED! Okay then.

2008-02-05T13:21:00.000-06:00

I'm working through my deadlines. Excellent. I had a little trouble with the sleeping in yesterday... luckily trouble now means 11am, instead of 2pm. I wanted to write over the weekend about my awesome snow day with Steve, but I didn't have pictures yet. Let me just say that fort building is a skill I don't get to use often... but I'm quite good. And Steve and I as a team are unstoppable! Unfortunately we weren't able to totally complete it, but what a fine base!

so close.

2008-02-03T17:18:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting quietly in my room at the moment contemplating what "One sample of academic writing relevant to Women and Gender Studies" actually is. I want to hand in an essay about how the Amber Spyglass reconstructs the story of Genesis to put the gaining of knowledge and Eve's fall from grace into a positive light. In a way it's a paper about an adolescent novel being sex positive, and subverting what "loss of innocence" actually means. So is that relevant to women and gender studies? I think it is, I'm just worried that since I don't use any feminist theorists or beat my reader over the head with it, it might not be what an admissions committee is looking for. A friend suggested submitting two papers, but I feel kind of icky about that, and ultimately I really like this paper.

Deadlines are creeping up and it turns out that all that smart stuff I wrote over the last few years doesn't fit any requirements perfectly! Damn.

"Let's see if I can play 'Moon River'"

2008-01-31T07:00:00.000-06:00

I'm incredibly stressed at the moment about my grad application. It makes me wonder if I actually want to take on the stress of grad school... but it's almost done. So I should just suck it up. Today I work, so tomorrow when I get back to Guelph is final edit day, and then I will do a dance as all my files upload.

My 28 kids are generally lovely. Tuesday night I was really nervous about them, but things are going well. I've been incredibly down in the last week. I feel like I'm pulling out of it a little bit, but I'm struggling.

Steve has been helpful though. He met me when I got in on Tuesday, bought me tea and a mini-Cinnabon, and then joined me in a tired stupor as we tried and failed to go to bed early and ended up trying to remember how to sing "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly...". Steve also learned that he's a musical prodigy playing songs on my shoulder. He CAN play Moon River, but it's hard to recognize with the little bursts of laughter in between.

SNOW DAY!

2008-01-22T14:09:00.001-06:00

I'm having a lovely snow day at the moment! I'm watching the Creek, doing laundry, drinking tea, and organizing my work e-mail account. So productive and yet so cozy!

In an hour and a bit I'm heading to work for a meeting, followed by a late bus ride back to t-dot. I'm trying to balance work here with life there. It's funny. I feel like I can't get anything done when I'm there, so I'm trying to be productive here. By next Tuesday I am determined to have all of my grad application documents in. Then I can start taking on my submission for the new WMST journal.

Then I need to get my passport and budget my money so I can run away for awhile. So far Sweden, Scotland, New York, and all of Canada are in the plan.

I miss my Box girls. Snow days are better when we're snuggling on the floor bed.

The Jews Are Okay!

2008-01-21T18:07:00.000-06:00

The most hilarious Holocaust related thing just happened! Nomi has to watch Schindler's List for her class, so Dani, Tama, and I are watching it with her. I've never seen it before, so as soon as we put it in I was bracing myself.

Nomi hit play and we jumped right in. I was pretty surprised by how quickly we got to all the list business... but I figured it was more straight forward than I expected. The thing is... we've all seen movies before (and these three people have seen this particular movie before), and the fact that there were no opening credits should have tipped us off that there was something wrong. No no, it took us 51 minutes to realize that we had just watched the last hour of the film. I was holding my breath the whole time waiting for horrible things to happen, but it's a much happier film when you just watch the last hour!

Then it turned out that the side of the dvd with the first half of the film on it was cracked, so Nomi and I had to drive back to the video store and trade it in for the VHS. Now we're watching a much poorer quality, much more depressing version of the film.

We swear we're all really smart. It's the full moon.

You've seen him play in our livingroom, now see him on stage!

2008-01-19T21:13:00.000-06:00

Ben Wood's Music Debut (kind of) is coming up this Friday, January 25, 2008 starting at 5pm come see Ben play at "Band on the Run" at El Mocambo!

Ticket's are $10 if you get them from Ben or I before hand and $12 at the door, but Ben's stage time is based on how many ticket's he sells, so try to buy them before hand!

Check out info on the show and a sample of Ben's music at: http://www.supernova.com/benwood

ALSO Ben's first cd "Running for the Wrong Bus" will be out soon! To order your copy contact him at running.for.the.wrong.bus@gmail.com

Concert Line-up: Absolute Zero, Seize The Day, Fightwithbears, Wake The Dead, D.H.E., Vanessa-Natalie Colucci, Sang Freud, Ben Wood, The Ecstacy Kids, Sarah Perron, Random as Mambo, Solid Knockout, Alternative Exit

I want it all (or nothing at all)

2008-01-19T20:35:00.001-06:00

Jess just gave me some lovely musical accompaniment to the submitting of my grad application. I still have to finalize my CV, letter of intent, and my writing sample, but now I've paid my money so I'm committed. You know me and getting my money's worth! Oh boy it's stressful times!

Since I'm totally incapable of working on this stuff in Toronto I think I'm going to spend tomorrow trying to figure out which essay I'm submitting and how much work I'll need to do on it.

My heart is palpitating.

Rebember us? SUCK IT!

2008-01-18T19:35:00.000-06:00

This has been out for a few weeks, but, as I predicted, only Benwood has listened to it so far, so I'm pushin' number two. (Technically I know Sarah has listened to it because I got complimented on my solstice sentiments, but it's more dramatic to say we've only had one listener). Come on people! I know you've got silence to fill, so why not fill it with 18 minutes of Matt and I hardcore suckin' it? Suck It 2!

"Eggs go in the fridge, right?"

2008-01-18T19:14:00.001-06:00

I love Jessica!

I just spent the afternoon with Jess watching the Creek and being emotional. By this point everyone knows that we're soulmates, but every once in awhile I feel the need to publicly praise our love. This functions to flatter her, while at the same time giving me the opportunity to show off our awesomeness. As a leo, I like that.

Jess is the Pacey to my Dawson, the Danny Tripp to my Matt Albee, the Jay to my Silent Bob, the Don to my Floyd, the Lucas to my Mark, the McSteamy to my McDreamy, the Penny Lane to my William Miller, and the Jesus Stick to my Mr. Echo. I don't know why we're so manly, but we do have a deep understanding and appreciation for "brother's that love" (a term we coined while watching Amay-Ray a few years ago).

I am so very thankful for miss Jess. If she moves to Paris again I'll cry... or spend far too much money on flights.

motivate me.

2008-01-18T13:37:00.000-06:00

I wish I could tell my subconscious that I can't handle incest dreams. I've had some horrifying dreams in the last few years, but the current trend of incest dreams is too disturbing. I don't wish this on anyone. I can't help but allow my day to be tainted. I'm trying to shake it off, but I'm very disturbed and feeling helpless. This is something I'm doing to myself and I have no control over!

Anyway, today the goal is to finish my master's application. I am nervous about it. I don't have to submit my official CV and statement of intent today, but I do have to submit 250 words about my study interests, as well as my current employment. I'm feeling dazed and tired and unwilling.

I will have some soup and watch Colbert, then I'll get on it.

Babygirl McDeere

2008-01-17T23:24:00.000-06:00

I'm so freakin' exhausted. Yesterday was my first day of grown-up work, which went well, but still left me riding the TTC with a pounding headache at the end of the day... oh my. Then I stayed up too late with Ben watching the last four episodes of Studio 60. We watched everything but those episodes over the break, and it's just so damn good. I cry because it got cancelled. Then I cry for the sincere "brother's that love" factor. Get your hands on those dvds if you haven't seen the show at all!

I dragged myself out of bed this morning and then had a lovely afternoon with Steve before bussing back to Guelph. This is my life now! It's going to be fine. I'm just going to have to make sure I sleep enough, and drink enough water. For some reason I didn't learn how to do either of those things throughout my undergrad.

This weekend I intend to finalize my masters application. I probably should have done it last weekend to make sure that all of the financial stuff went through on time... but I didn't. I have a cavalier way about me when I apply to schools. That's just the way I roll. I'm confident it will get done. It also won't be the end of the world if I don't get in, but I'm trying not to think that way.

Oh lord time went a little too quickly in January. It's all happening now!