I'm a mountain... wait... not yet.

Today has been a day of severe ups and downs. I woke up this morning feeling entirely disfunctional. I really didn't want to start my day. But I went to my stress management workshop and relaxed a little, and then I headed to the Guelph Queer Equality kiss-in. Tama and I both had partner permission to participate in the kiss in. Steve and I have a particular technique we named "Tama kissing" and it's true, she does Tama Kiss. But yeah it was really fun and adrenaline-y to stand up and be controversial. If we get put in the newspaper this week I'll scan and post it. After that I was all riled up and felt like I wanted to either make out or throw something. I didn't do either. I just deteriorated into a pending panic attack. For about two hours I had an over zealous heart rate and severe trouble breathing. I ended up going to class feeling bad and dizzy. I left during discussion time to get a drink and had to keep myself from bursting into tears as I walked down the hallway.

After class all of us felt like our spirits had been crushed (us being all of the box girls... yes we have a class all together). We walked towards the WRC where we locked ourselves in the private room and discussed. I cried, Jess cried, we all were struggling. Right now I feel okay, just exhausted. I'm feeling in crisis, and it's a crisis that has been repeating for a while now. It's a crisis that I gave myself a deadline to figure out and that deadline is approaching. I'm scared and not brave. I have this problem where I have no confidence about anything that I think or do. I don't know how to make that stop. My lack of confidence is sparking anxiety attacks and making everything worse. The trouble that I know I can fix this, but I don't want to... that deep down I know I know that I'm great and people love me, but deeper down I don't really think that's true.