Thunderbird's Got Some Grieving To Do

I came to the brink of a panic attack last night, but didn't quite cross over. Other than that it's been awhile since I've broken and I think that right now I'm more okay than I have been in the past nine months. The other day I got an e-mail from a friend asking me what my emotional struggle-fest was all about and for a moment I actually couldn't remember. I had to pause to remember what I was all fucked up about. Incredible! That was the moment when I finally felt like I was out of this.

Everything that was awful is still present. I'm getting my MS results in five weeks, I still don't know what I'm doing in my life, or even for my summer, and though I'm together at the moment, there are a lot of things in T-dot that seem to trigger me. But I'm okay. Ultimately I couldn't have done this semester as a full semester and I desperately needed to be in all the groups that I'm doing (not because they are particularly amazing, but because they are something I'm actively doing to regain some control). Part of it too is that I just kind of decided that I didn't want to be fucked up anymore and that instead of trying to fix everything and beating myself up for the fact that I have a brain and a body that wants to destroy me, I should just be aware that I will get depressed again and have more anxiety attacks, but I'm feeling okay right now so I should try to relax. It's kind of working.

This past weekend I read Weetzie Bat by Francesca Lia Block for my Adolescent Lit course. I encourage anyone to read it as it is quick and beautiful and as I nervously pulled into Toronto I read this quote which basically sums up how I tend to be feeling right now:

"I don't know about happily ever after... but I know about happily."