indulge me. it's been awhile.

I haven't written for too long. Mostly because everything I have to say is either too overwhelming to focus on enough to put into words, too exciting to get things into perspective, or too heart-wrenching so that I can't see through the tears. Also, I'm moving back to Toronto, which generally means less blogging.

I finished school almost two weeks ago, so why am I still stressed? I really am. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of throwing up, and that's no good for anyone. This past week there has been nothing but conflicts and troubles and the general need to explain myself being pushed up against a procedural roadblock that inhibits me from satisfying this need. I'm not sure what to do with myself, but until I can walk away from this, my physical anxious response will not let up.

This semester is just dragging on. I should be home by now. I should have a job by now. I should have a plan by now. I should be starting all of the creative projects I had in mind instead of zoning out into a panic attack. I should stop compulsively eating.

Tonight Macelod and I were all alone, and though we had our fun moments, I still spent four hours dealing with school related conflicts and responsabilities. And now I can't decide when I'm going to go back to Toronto. I just don't know what makes sense anymore. I can't afford financially or emotionally to keep taking the Greyhound back and forth for meetings, and I can't decide how much I personally need to be there. I just know I don't want to leave this semester feeling unheard.

This has been a week of frustrations, of examining privilege, and of dealing with the complicated lack of intonation when expressing serious matters over e-mail. I'm feeling odd, and lost, and generally hurt. I'm trying to actively fix this, but it's hard when your individual reactions have to take a back seat to your position in a group. Everything I need to say is gathering up in my belly and I have no access to an outlet and I'm not sure if I will. And if I don't, I'm not sure how I'm going to start my summer.