Bex and the Penile Constriction Band

This weekend has been full. I opted to take the Greyhound in to the Goo tomorrow so I'm currently at home wondering why I can't seem to read Romance of the Forest. I think I'll stop trying. I spent a lot of quality time with that Steve guy this weekend which was very satisfying after two weeks apart. We took my brother out for sushi (which is pretty much the only restaurant food besides salad that I can eat right now on this cleanse). It was fun and fairly pricey. Besides all the relaxing, I panicked a few times this weekend, though it doesn't seem as bad as it did before.

I had a few little moments of freak out in the MRI tube on Friday. I was in there for two hours total (with little breaks to do things like change the set up from brain to spine and give me injections of fluorescent goo). For the first bit I couldn't open my eyes because I felt like I was in a coffin or a space pod or something. I kept having flashbacks to walking away from my grandfather's coffin in December. For the hour and a half stint I had a blanket on me and I just felt like it was getting hotter and hotter and that the air was running out. The nurses and technicians laughed at me when I told them, because I should have pushed the panic button. But I was scared because I didn't want to interrupt the whole process and I didn't know what the panic button does. It's a weird voiceless space to be in, in that tube and I didn't want to push myself over the edge with the panic because I was really working to keep it together.

The second moment of panic was driving high with Shane and Steve. I had to really try to keep myself together. I just kept thinking of how ironic it would be for me, little miss follow the rules to keep from getting in trouble, died doing something stupid like being intoxicated in a car where the driver is also intoxicated. Ironic and totally disappointing for my family. Because clearly if the car had been hit I would have been the one to go.

The third was in the subway today with Matt. The TTC makes me panic a lot. I don't know what set me off but I couldn't breathe and was really dizzy. Of course I was mercilessly made fun of for this :o) so I tried to pull myself together. I went to lie down as soon as I got home. Things just weren't right.

So now I wait two weeks to get my MRI and EP test results. Hopefully there's no M.S. in my future. At least there should be some sort of conclusion to this whole fiasco. I'm entirely sure it's just anxiety. This week kicks off the whole going to groups in order to better myself thing. I'm pretty sure I'll panic and not be able to walk into the room. We'll see. There's a lot of time sensitive shit I have to get done in the next few days and I'm really hoping it will all get done. I realized tonight that an application for an art show I want to be a part of is due tomorrow and I have yet to send that in. Hopefully a phone call and an express post can make that happen. I hate when I do stupid things.