Oh Lord, Here Comes Yet Another Day!

I've realized this week how severely I hold grudges. I didn't think I was that bad, until I arrived at school to find I had two classes with a prof that I declared that I hated after first year. It turns out she won me over and I enjoy her a fair bit. So that has made me wonder about all of the other people who have made me feel bad or insecure or inadequate and who have thus incurred my wrath. Maybe they're not all that deserving? Maybe this is part of why I go numb.

I think holding grudges is partly my Leo's pride, but mostly my rampant insecurity and self-conciousness. If someone triggers my self-hatred, I don't get over it easily, because it takes a really long time for me to convince myself out of self-hating. I take the people in my life very seriously (maybe too seriously) so when they hurt me I get hurt real bad. I can think of at least seven people right now (almost all male) that I am holding grudges against for past wrongdoings. I think about these people often. Most of my sleeplessness involves thinking about how they've affected me and how I reacted, how I should have reacted and what I'd like to say to them now. I still have nightmares about events with people seven years ago. This is probably not healthy. I'm just completely filled up with past anxieties so these new ones just get stacked on top. So it's time to release some anger. I think I'm going to go on a letter writing adventure with little to no intention of mailing them out. There's just a lot that I have to let go and a lot of people that I'm just really angry with.

My current theme song is "Have Another Drink" by the Kinks. This has nothing to do with grudges. It just makes me feel better.

Has everybody got problems?
Are you stuck in a deadend job?
Frustrated and dissatisfied?
Are you on the edge of suicide?
Terrorist bombers on the left,
Fascist plots on the right.
Mass destruction and homicide,
Are you horrified and terrified?
Such a shame.

We've all got problems we know,
There's one thing that's for sure,
There's only one cure for all your hangups and all your depressions.

Have another drink it'll make you feel better,
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
If you feel down and you're under the weather
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
(Repeat above four lines).

Facts and figures.
Filling out forms.
Reading circulars.
Dictating letters.
Is your occupation
Getting to your brain?
Is there no relief?
It's like a ball and chain.
There's no need to get depressed,
Worrying won't make it better.
There's only one consolation I can recommend.
Don't take my word for it, try it for yourself.

Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
Have another drink it'll make you feel better.
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
Have another drink it'll make you feel better.
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.

If you're feeling down and you're under the weather,
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
Have another drink it'll make you feel better,
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.

If you're feeling down and under the weather,
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.