Andy Samberg is Shockingly Adorable

I accomplished a few things today and very few of them were academic. I guess that's okay. I went to my first stress management group today. I'm really trying to be open-minded, but I just can't deal with the cheesiness of it all. I've always hated people telling me how to cope with stress because I always feel like it's out of my control. I can't tell how much of this attitude is negative self-talk and how much is truth. I constantly assert that my stress is above and beyond control because when I get stressed I don't want to control it, I want to wallow in it and let it take over. Then I go on to assert that this is because I feel like I don't deserve to feel calm and safe and good. I've built myself a damn wall.

I know that this is bullshit, but everytime someone tells me to do something like give myself a big hug for taking some time for me (i.e. yoga, or stress management workshops) I just get overwhelmed with hate for myself, hate for feeling the way I feel, and hate for the fact that whoever is telling me to do this just doesn't understand. So I've identified that this is a bad reaction, but how do I fix this? I'm trying my best to convince myself that it's time to deal with anxiety, but as soon as the instructer started talking in her sugary sweet voice about "climbing stress mountain" I wanted to gag. And later I just wanted to cry. I just don't want to take 20 minutes a day to practice stress management skills because I don't feel like I have the time and frankly I'm mean to myself.

There are only three students in the group, everyone else is mid to late thirties or fifty plus. It's an interesting group. I guess I'm just concerned that there's something deeper and more serious going on in terms of disorders and such and that this is going to be more hurtful than helpful. We'll see.