It Breaks my Heart

I've been listening to Regina Spekter a LOT since the drive up to camp on the first weekend of June and it seems to be contributing to extremes in my emotion. Sometimes it makes me super happy, and other times, like tonight, it results in me standing with my ipod watching the sunset and crying in the Home Depot plaza all alone.

I'm feeling horrifyingly lonely and disconnected today. Which sucks. And feels wrong. Which doesn't seem to matter, because I can't seem to bring it back around. I'm hoping that confining myself to my bedroom shortly to read the last two hundered pages of Order of the Phoenix. I want to be writing, but I don't think I can make it happen in a way that won't destroy me.

I hate when I am working so hard at being happy and my mind just won't allow it. I need some of mother's little helpers, but every time I go to take that step, my mother helps me by showing me debilitating articles about side effects and longterm badness. I have no options.

How come I can win an award in Women's Studies, but still allow myself to feel destroyed when I point out situations where the men around me are taking up so much space that they make me feel inferior and powerless?