what kind of paradise am I looking for?

I was expecting to be out of the fetal position today, and I'm not. I'm sitting in the gloom of the gray outside listening to Reckoning, which is not good. I'm a little shut down and disgusting at the moment and I have to say, I definitely do not want to do anything of value. I just want to lie down and feel crappy.

My goal for this afternoon was to start thinking carefully about what I want to write about for my final paper for feminist theory and methods, which I'm actually relating directly to what I'm applying to do in graduate school. Rapidly approaching deadlines do not help with my stomach recovery.

I'm ripping the skin off of my lips and scratching my arms until I bleed. This isn't supposed to be happening.