Sex with Bex #3

Welcome to a very tasty Sex with Bex!

Food can be sexy in so many ways, so before we get into some questions lets talk about sensuous snacking. Many shops sell chocolate body paint and other various edible goos to spread on lovers as food sex toys. Honey, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce, etc. can also be used as inexpensive sexy (though sticky) treats to put on, and lick off of each other. If using these treats around the female genitalia beware that sugar massively increases the chances of a yeast infection if it gets into the yoni. And that’s just not fun.

Food and sex is not just about dripping and licking sweet sticky stuff. Foreplay can start with dinner. When choosing which foods to eat, remember that many foods have been known as aphrodisiacs, sometimes in relation to their phallic or vaginal resemblances, but also because of their vitamin and mineral makeup that elicit particular physical responses in the body. Foods like oysters have been associated with sex and seduction throughout time. It turns out that oysters are high in zinc, which is a mineral used in the production of testosterone. Chilies can also get you hot and bothered because of their casaicin, which is the substance that gives that kick to spicy foods like peppers and curries. Capsaicin works by stimulating nerve endings to release chemicals that raise the heart rate and can possibly trigger the release of endorphins giving you the pleasurable feeling of a natural high. And of course, good old-fashioned chocolate contains a stimulant called phenylethylamine, that brings about a sense of wellbeing and excitement conducive to sex.

According to the Smell and Taste Foundation in Chicago, the smells of certain foods can be sexually arousing. Most notably for men, pumpkin pie and buttered popcorn, and licorice candy for women. Think of that next time you’re picking your movie snacks!
(http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/aphrodisiacs/foods.html)

Grab yourself a tasty treat! And keep your questions coming!

-Bex

Dear Bex,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now, I love him more than anything. But, I have NEVER experienced an orgasm while being with him in all these years. It's not that I can't have an orgasm...I've been masturbating since I was 12, so I know I'm perfectly capable. For some reason, it's just never happened in the thousands of times I've been with him. I enjoy sex with him, it feels wonderful (not just intercourse... you name it, we've probably done it). Sometimes I feel like I get close, but then I plateau...and it just doesn't happen.

It's gotten to the point where I feel like it's hopeless, and I'll never be able to share this with him. It's so frustrating. I've talked to lots of my friends about it but none of them can relate. Sure, they may not reach orgasm all the time, but not NEVER. All the things I've read about not being able to have an orgasm don't apply to me, because I can do it myself. I've even gotten to the point now where I haven't masturbated at all for weeks, just to see if it would change anything when I go to visit him at his university. I’ve also tried clitoral stimulation during sex, and that didn’t work either.

I feel like I'm totally out of options.

Please, pleassseee help.

No O in Sight

Dear No O in Sight,

Don’t panic! This happens to a lot of people (of all genders). Sometimes the amount of pressure people put on themselves to have orgasms can have a huge effect on whether or not it actually happens. The first thing I would suggest is to try to keep yourself in the moment during stimulation. If you put too much focus on climaxing, it’s going hurt your chances of reaching the point of orgasm. Your psychological state of mind could be inhibiting your orgasms (Human Sexuality in a World of Diversity, 2004). Talking to your partner about your frustration in all of this (in a way that’s not threatening to his sexual ability of course) might help take some of the pressure off of you to achieve orgasm and make you feel more relaxed about the whole thing.

Since you can achieve orgasm through masturbation you might want to try mutual masturbation with your partner, where both of you masturbate together in the same room. This is something that lots of people do, and it is a safer sex option because it doesn’t involve any swapping of bodily fluids (Pavanel, 2001). By trying out mutual masturbation you can each pleasure yourselves, achieve orgasm, and share the experience. This experiment in intimacy might help you to relax about having orgasms with your partner since you know already know that you can do it yourself. Then he at least can be there as you climax, and you can start the taking a bit of the pressure off of the idea of NEVER having had an orgasm with him. It may also give your partner some ideas on how he can try out your technique to get you off. If this idea makes you uncomfortable at first you could ease into it with something like phone sex (because it sounds like you’re doing the long distance thing). That way you can start off with over the phone orgasms and work your way up to the mutual masturbation.

Once the pressure is off a little bit, you could try things like using vibrators for clitoral stimulation during sex. It may also help to increase the amount of foreplay, which will raise your level of arousal before intercourse, etc., and make it easier for you to have yourself an orgasm.
Just don’t worry! Take deep breaths and focus on the moment. Orgasms aren’t everything, but if it’s frustrating you to the point of distraction I encourage you to keep talking to your partner and trying out these potentially new sexually intimate ideas.
Good luck!

Dear Sex with Bex,

Recently my sex drive has completely vanished. I'm a dude, so this has me worried. I've stopped masturbating and I don't think about having sex with girls very much any more at all. Is it going to come back? Aren't I too young for viagra?

Yours,

Desperately Seeking Sex Drive


Dear DSSD,

If you’re anything like me, this answer is going to annoy you. The best way to increase sex drive (as with so many other things) is EXERCISE. Bah. This is true for everyone, not just men. The other thing that can increase sex drive is novelty. So if you’re going over the same fantasy, looking at the same images, or playing with the same toys as usual, maybe it’s time to mix things up a bit. Perhaps you could go get yourself a pumpkin pie or some buttered popcorn and take a deep breath before you masturbate! Just try not to get too preoccupied and worried about the lack of drive. Just because you have no sex drive right now, it doesn’t mean that it will be like that forever.

If you’re starting to feel like this is a real medical problem, there is a disorder called hypoactive sexual desire disorder, which refers to people who have little or no sexual desire. This is one of the most commonly diagnosed sexual dysfunctions. This can be caused by hormonal deficiencies, depression, and dissatisfaction with one’s current sexual situation. It can also relate to anxiety, thyroid over or underactivity, or temporal lobe epilepsy. Various medications to treat these medical problems can also contribute to hypoactive sexual desire disorder. If you feel like you may have this disorder, I encourage you to see your doctor.

Before you panic and start running to the medics, try out exercise, novelty, and aphrodisiacs. Obsessing over the idea of your lack of sex drive probably isn’t helping to bring back the boner.

-Bex

If you have any questions for the next edition of Sex with Bex send them freely and frequently to bexualintercourse@gmail.com. Remember to lube up and play safe!

Books:

The Sex Book by Jane Pavanel

This book is an excellent sex dictionary geared towards teens. It includes a really great definition gender and info on the lesser-discussed acts like fisting, and anal sex. This book is sex positive and queer positive and an excellent addition to the sex-curious reader’s library