"Fuck Hitler! You don't want to go out on a note of Nazism."

Last night I had my first sleepover with Mark Brown (at his place) in the 7-ish years that I've known him. It was funny... I actually debated whether or not I should lie to my parents about where I was staying. Before we started watching ridiculous documentaries about ghosts and comedy by Sarah Silverman I was lucky enough to get to see the Milena movies and Razor Burn. I just had to get on the old internet and reiterate my love for those Browns. As much as they can get to me sometimes, I'm very fond of them, and they're quite fond of me. I laughed my ass off at Razor Burn and it made me feel good when Mark would tell me that no one else appreciated certain lines as much as I had. It was nice to have a brief moment of feeling like a part of the secret Brown club that I used to be part of years ago before my Brown world opened up to contain other important folk in my life. I guess it's silly, but it was nice to have that old connection, that old special place I used to have with the Browns acknowledged. Sometimes I wonder if all of the history is as important to them as it is to me... that even though there are so many other things going on in our lives and our friendships that that base still exists somewhere.

Matt told me when we went for coffee on Boxing day that I used to bring back magic beans when I was sent to the market to get food, and now I bring back the carcass of a beast that I killed with my bare hands and throw it down on the table and tell people to eat it and like it. I guess in letting go of my secret special relationship with the Browns I've had to put up little walls to keep me from feeling sad that we're not secret and special anymore. Ultimately I'm glad that they are so much a part of the wider scheme of my life... I guess I just forgot it was important to acknowledge that there's still a special fondness that exists to keep it all balanced.

(I still keep some magic beans in my back pocket. I guess I'll have to take them out more often.)