This is me, when I am Crow.

Eat Crow

I have not been blogging lately. Instead I have been spending my time desperately trying to maintain the sense of calm and goodness that I have spent months cultivating. I've been up the past three nights until at least 4 or 5am, then getting up to go to Spiral Garden at 8am. Needless to say I had a bit of a breakdown tonight, and have spent much of this week shaking and downing copious amounts of Rescue Remedy.

I'm okay though. I refuse to let this become my reality again. So I'm doing what I can. Last night I layed out a 4 foot by 4 foot collage, which has not yet been colled, but it's getting there. I'm reading a relatively stupid book at the moment too, but when I get to page 480 I will be satisfied nonetheless.

I leave tomorrow for a relatively stressful trip back up to camp, but I'm doing it anyway.

I feel like I'm about to snap, so I need to stop and hide in the basement.

Somebody wet my pants! And the floor around me!

My first day back at the childcare was pretty good. I'm thinking the week-long adventure is the best plan in order to enjoy the novelty of tinies, but not get tied up in staff politics (which is why I generally dread that place anyway). All of the kids who were two and three year olds when I left are now four and five year olds and it's very strange. Where there once was slow speech and big pudgy tummies, there are now confident stretched out big kids running the social scene. Weird.

The best thing that happened to me yesterday was when I was alone in one of the playrooms with five kids, and a little boy wearing a painting smock suddenly exclaimed "I don't know who did this! The floor is all wet!". So I went over to check it out and he said "somebody made the floor wet, and they made my pants wet too!". I asked him to lift up his paint smock to show me and there was a big pee stain on his shorts, pee dripping down his leg, and a puddle on the floor. He said "I don't know why anyone would do this!". I cleaned him up and all was well, but it was an amazing example of denial being the first type of deception that kids learn.

There's also a sassy wonderful girl who was wearing a pink and white stripped dress, long braided pigtails, and pink catseye glasses with rhindstones and pink lenses. So cute. She has the little girl belly and she's just beautiful. Oh tinies.

Tomorrow I'm going with them to the Science Centre (which is probably karmically related to the fact that when Ben, Steve and I were at the Science Centre I kept saying how glad I was that I wasn't with a group of kids wearing matching t-shirts and holding their partner's hands). I think it will be fun, but I am planning on going out for a drink afterwards if anyone is interested.

So that's what that feels like?

My axiety has come raging back since Friday night, mostly for no good reason. Steve and I had a massive party weekend, which probably doesn't help with me feeling all crazy (though it was fun). A lot of my anxiety centred around leaving my brother home alone late at night. Which is silly because he is 15, but it worried me. I also got all anxious about taking care of the dog and worried that me sleeping in a little later was construed in his mind as neglect. Yes, I have a problem. Then my parents got back which, instead of restoring my sense of free-wheeling summertime carelessness, brought on an attack of fear about moving back to Guelph, school, and my life in general.

I couldn't sleep last night because I'm working at the childcare today and I'm pretty damn scared. It's a good thing because working this week will pay for my books, but I just don't want to do it. I'm not good at going in there and pretending I don't know what I'm doing just so that it doesn't feel so bad when they treat me like crap. I'm kind of thinking that I'll go today and if it's awful then I'll run. At least it's only a four day work week.

In other odd news, the tips of my index and middle finger have lost all sensation since I started playing the guitar. I know you're supposed to build up callouses, but are you supposed to lose the ability to feel hot and cold? Also, my feet go numb about ten minutes into a cardio workout, and my right hand goes numb everytime I shower. Any ideas? The medical community has given up on me, so now it's the internet for medical advice!

where are all my friends?

I wish that my first thought when walking into a park was "yay trees!", but instead it's "crap, the pants I'm wearing is going to make raping me a lot easier." Where does one get some pepper spray? Despite my fear for my own safety, I'm planning to spend this afternoon on the grass somewhere. I may try to convince Ben to come with me, but I pretty much just want to write on the grass. The worst part is that lack of a safe feeling. Coming out of woods where I know every root and every stray branch and can walk confidently in the dark, or sleep confidently on the grass in the day time, it's especially frustrating that I can't have that safe feeling here.

I miss camp. They've called three times now to remind me that they love me and they miss me, and that the fact that they miss me keeps coming up in conversation. I'm very grateful for that. I'm sad I'm not there. And I have been effectively hiding from all of my friends for over a week now. I suppose I'm allowed a week of feeling strange about being home. I've pretty much been with Steve the whole time (which is excellent), but I suppose expanding my social life wouldn't be such a bad thing. I intend to make some phone calls today and get into contact with as many folk as possible... maybe.

I am a lucky lucky girl

With everything that has happened this week... at least I'm not on an outtrip with a double whammy yeast and bladder infection. God bless you Sacha. You are the toughest woman I know.