"Fuck Hitler! You don't want to go out on a note of Nazism."

Last night I had my first sleepover with Mark Brown (at his place) in the 7-ish years that I've known him. It was funny... I actually debated whether or not I should lie to my parents about where I was staying. Before we started watching ridiculous documentaries about ghosts and comedy by Sarah Silverman I was lucky enough to get to see the Milena movies and Razor Burn. I just had to get on the old internet and reiterate my love for those Browns. As much as they can get to me sometimes, I'm very fond of them, and they're quite fond of me. I laughed my ass off at Razor Burn and it made me feel good when Mark would tell me that no one else appreciated certain lines as much as I had. It was nice to have a brief moment of feeling like a part of the secret Brown club that I used to be part of years ago before my Brown world opened up to contain other important folk in my life. I guess it's silly, but it was nice to have that old connection, that old special place I used to have with the Browns acknowledged. Sometimes I wonder if all of the history is as important to them as it is to me... that even though there are so many other things going on in our lives and our friendships that that base still exists somewhere.

Matt told me when we went for coffee on Boxing day that I used to bring back magic beans when I was sent to the market to get food, and now I bring back the carcass of a beast that I killed with my bare hands and throw it down on the table and tell people to eat it and like it. I guess in letting go of my secret special relationship with the Browns I've had to put up little walls to keep me from feeling sad that we're not secret and special anymore. Ultimately I'm glad that they are so much a part of the wider scheme of my life... I guess I just forgot it was important to acknowledge that there's still a special fondness that exists to keep it all balanced.

(I still keep some magic beans in my back pocket. I guess I'll have to take them out more often.)

Give the Jew-Girl Presents

The infrequent blogging over the last week may be directly related to the fact that between Dec. 28 and Dec. 29 I have individually visited with 49 people. FORTY-NINE! No wonder I'm having trouble stringing sentences together.

Though generally exhausting, it's been nice to do a little reconnecting. I should probably keep a running tally of how many visits I've had since I've come home... if I do that I think it's 54. Yowza. That's not counting my parents and ben, and no multiple countings of steve. It's been good and strange to see people I haven't seen in five years. It's nice to know they're still out there and that even if we're not in the same worlds anymore we can still have wine or tea, or overpriced coffee beverages and have something to talk about. I've felt really good walking away from most of these visits, but I'm feeling the pull to spend a little quiet time by myself before the whole world starts up again.

I've had some down moments, but I'm trying to stay up. I suppose that's all I can do.

Step One: Cut a hole in a box.

I'm getting all geared up to go on the xmas party circuit this evening. I'm hoping it will be excellent. There's definitely going to be a lot of people that I haven't seen in forever, which is wierd, but I look hot... so whatever.

On Sunday my mom made me change my shirt because it showed too much cleavage and we were having a dinner party. Then she gave me a shirt that is even more cleavage-y and told me it was to wear tonight. What? I'm wearing it spitefully and she was shocked. When in doubt, tits out, mother! :o) She's so funny.

Days like today make me wonder how many times I'll have to say goodbye to Macelod. It's not fun.

And this wacky blogger keeps trying to trick me into switching to their new system. It makes me frightened.

There's No Plates Like Chrome for the Hollandaise

Well folks, it's break time which mean my blog is boring and relatively post-free. I'm doing decently well. I have a little bit of shopping and crafting left to do, but I'm all right on that front. I've had a few little break downs, but those have only lasted a few hours, so that's good. I'm really trying to take care of myself. So yes, I'm generally okay. I'm working on letting go of tradition because I used to be insane about following how things are supposed to happen on the holidays. Maybe it's because my family moved around so much as a child that I crave the stability? Meh. Anyway, I'm letting go. No tree? Plug that fiber-optic mother fucker in and watch me decorate the oleander! No Indian food on Christmas eve... well that one is sad to let go... but fine! Bring on the seafood Italian styles! Who knows. Ultimately it doesn't matter. I'll spend the next three weeks with my family and my Steve and then I'll go back to University land. I might as well just breathe while I can and not obsess over pointless things like the fact that we're not having latkes until night eight. Whatever!

chi

"This day just keeps getting better and better!"-me

Today I went from Sears, to Psych, to Sexy. This morning the Box got up at 9:30am and dolled ourselves up to do a little "mom, dad, and the kids" portrait at Sears. But of course, in true Box style, the pictures will not be ready until Christmas eve, so you'll all be getting your cards in January. And you'll love it.

After that I got on a Greyhound (which I had been dreading) to get myself to Toronto. Luckily my old friend Craigo was on the bus already and I got to spend an hour and a half catching up and reconnecting. I needed that! He also gave me an incredible impromptu Chanukah gift, and then we saw a hay ride truck with bales of hay and two dogs riding on it. Could it get any better than that?

I got off the bus and left my first boyfriend to meet my current stevefriend so we could have a sleepy and snuggly walk around UofT, then I saw a psychiatrist who told me "You're okay", and Steve and I went and snuggled on a bench until I painfully had to get back on the bus to come back to Guelph.

Things were crisis-y when I arrived, but we did some healing with a little T-Bell and L-Word, followed by a few pomtinis, "Funny Face" (which was smarvelous), and a naked livingroom dance party to various pop favourites. The tradition of the naked run/dance party was established at the Box as a last night ritual... so there you go.

how did THIS happen?

Oh man this is ridiculous. All was well, and now it's 3am and I'm listening to depressing ani and getting msn messages about break ups like:

"i could have controleld it.  i could have stopped smoking pot everyday all the time months ago. there's a lot of other things that i really could have done, and even some i considered doing.  but i didn't do anything.  i just sat around, got high and never paid attention to her.  now it might be too late."

I am so unequipped to help right now. I'm severely struggling to come up with all of the right words. But boy do I keep talking.

Sleeping Until One Makes Me Productive

Well the Box had a fine relaxing evening involving raspberry gingerale, cookie baking, and Dirty Dancing Havana Nights. Half the Box is done, and the other half is getting there. Apparently the Box can't watch Havana Nights without audibly moaning. It always makes us want to put on dresses, take dancing lessons, and make out with Diego Luna. MMmmmm.

Anyway, all is well. Tomorrow we're getting up early to do something special for the holidays, and then I'm heading in for a quick round trip to T-dot. It's going to be a busy day! But hells yeah party night!

I paid how much for this?

Well now that the semester is over it's time post some sweet sweet professorial quotes, starting with some from my Sexuality and the Stage class. Yes folks, this is post secondary education. Here's some of what I learned this semester!

About the gays and the army:

"Put down you guns and have a dance!"


Who's gay?:

"Those metrosexuals, they're the vain men. They're almost gay their so vain!"


On March of the Penguins:

"Remember those gay penguins? Well not only did they have the sex, they were also in love, or lived their hut or whatever penguins do."


About straight men and porn:

"If you find one woman sexy, two women would be twice as sexy."


On turning lesbians straight:

"That's just a really sexy challenge."


On identifying lesbians:

"Not that all lesbians don't have long hair and wear lipstick. Like heterosexuals they run the gamut."


An example of a doggerel poem invented on the spot:

I walked my dog along the street
But it was hard in the heat
I went to the store to get some lox
But I couldn't fit it in my box
I went home to have a hot toddy
With my good boyfriend Roddy

(after thought: "Hunh, that turned out kind of gay, didn't it?")


Biographical information about one of the playwrights:

"Mordant Shairp, a very gay name."


On dating:

"I've never understood Starbucks cruising... 'can I (suavely) get you a muffin?"


On lesbian sex:

"I've nver experienced it, but it's my understanding that lesbian sex is just great."


On suggestive names:

"Bunbury... bury bun... bury something in a bun... What do you put in a bun?... Maybe a hot dog?"


On Richard Simmons:

"He's trying to pretend somehow that he's a guy."


On open relationships:

"Straight people call themselves swingers. Gay people just call themselves promiscuous gay people."


On Captain Jack Sparrow:

"He's the fop from hell... or Keith Richards.


Trying to remember something:

(after a long pause) "What did I watch with castration in it the other day?"


On female identities:

"You're either a heterosexual woman, or you're some queer dyke lesbian outlaw."


On the anal stage:

"When the child is obsessed with their bumbum."


An offensive statement about native's and drugs:

"And your mother is taking the native form of valium... maybe it's peyote... I don't know."


Being angry that I caught him in a shoddy argument:

"Now I'm not necessarily saying you're smart Rebecca, but I'm saying you watch Seinfeld in a smart way."


About Ellen DeGeneres' Comedy:

"She does that annoyance kind of comedy like Seinfeld. You know; 'I bought a coffee... it was troublesome.'"


Wow there was a lot more than I thought. Just a little insight into how much I learned this semester.

UNBELIEVABLE! OOOOHHH! dun dun dundun dun dun dun

Oh man. I just had the MOST satisfying exam experience of my whole damn life. I wrote my 8:30am exam this morning and it went fairly well, especially since i only read one text in full in the second half of the semester. I feel good about it anyway! I finished my BIC exam after 2 hours, and strolled calmly out to get a sandwich and read over my Zoology notes before my 11:30 exam. I felt good and confident that even though most of my studying was focussed on British Imperial Culture I'd be able to come up with something and at least end up in the mid-seventies for my final mark.

The first thing I saw when I sat down in the CSD to write the exam was "Important Notice: If you wrote the midterm and handed in the paper this exam is OPTIONAL. If you choose to not write the final exam your current mark out of 60 will be converted to your final mark out of 100". I honestly couldn't believe it. So incredibly sneaky that the professor didn't tell us this before hand! It was the most satisfying thing that has ever happened to me during an exam! I had one of the CSD seater guys come over and read my exam to make sure I wasn't crazy, and then I decided it was time to walk. I highly doubt the exam would have made a huge difference, if anything it would have brought my mark down a little. I walked out really slowly though and felt a little unsettled. I went and got my coat and bag and the woman behind the desk asked me if I was all right. I told her I was feeling unsettled even though the exam told me I could leave. She told me to embrace the freedom... and that's what I'm going to do!

So I walk out of Zoology 1500 with a sweet 79%, my second science requirement for my degree finished.

I DECLARE FALL SEMESTER 2006 OFFICIALLY OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No Man Should Outlive His Fictional Wizard

Okay, the eleven page paper is done and I can now revel in the joy that is exam stress. I have two tomorrow and with my sweet sweet time and a half accomodations I could actually be writing straight on through from 8:30am to 2:30pm. Owwweee ow. Ah well. I rewarded myself for the paper with a Christmas flavoured warm beverage and I'm taking a break tonight to watch Christmas specials, so I'm feeling way better about exam time.

These two exams tomorrow are a lot of information and a lot of writing, but as long as I have enough in my brain to fill exam booklets to satisfaction I'll be okay, even if it's non-sensical. I'm definitely going to be playing the sparknotes game a bit tonight. No matter, I just need to get this shit done! Then it's going to be nothing but Christmas gift crafts and cookie baking! I'm in that fun awkward time where I'm trying to figure out who gets presents/who gets presents that aren't just cookies. Oh awkward times. And I have three Christmas parties to go to on the 22nd. Festive!

just an observation...

Does the PC guy remind anyone else of Matty Price?

Medicate that CAT!

You know you're procrastinating when you're watching Mean Girls on TBS for the second time. It's been nice to have a little quality one on one time with TJ and Jessie. (Nomi's been away, but maybe I'll get her too). I at least have a topic for my essay and I read three articles and picked out some quotes so I'm at least on my way. I think it's going to be a bare minimum kind of paper... but that's okay. I just need to get this shit done.

At the moment my top favourite procrastination moments would have to be when Jess, Tama and I decided to eat birth control placebos just to see how they tasted. That might have been out best one ever.

Oh radical clothing...

Just to prove my life isn't all bleak at the moment, Jess and I spent some time last night looking at feminist merchandise online, followed by some time at urbandictionary.com where we looked up some hilarious and also horrifying sexual acts. Anyway, here's some of the favourite feminist quotes and slogans:

-"People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that distinguish me from a doormat." -Rebecca West, age 20, 1913.

-Feminism Is the Radical Notion That Women Are People.

-I'll Be Post-Feminist in the Post-Patriarchy

-Don't Pray in my school and I won't think in your church

-Sorry I was late for church, I was out practicing witch craft and becoming a lesbian

-I hope the foetus you made me keep turns out to be a black gay democrat

and the ever-so classy pink shirt that reads "Feminism-- That's Hot"

there's got to be more than this boat I'm in.

It happened again. I don't know what the hell is going on... but I hit about 3pm and the world seems bleak again. I'm feeling useless and helpless and more self-destructive than I've felt in awhile. But it's time to put on a happy face because in 40 minutes I have to run the volunteer appreciation party. Until then I think I'll keep listening to depressing ani and thinking about slamming myself into a door again.

There's a really fine line right now.

b r e a t h i n g

I'm okay.

Everybody's Going Down

Why is it that I feel awesome for about two hours after I wake up and then there's a big destructive crash? Last night I held my event for Dec. 6th and it was good. It was such a perfect example of me being flustered and not grounded that about ten minutes into the event I came back to earth and was like... "right, this is an event about violence against women. I've experienced violence against women". And then I got all overwhelmed. There were only nine people there, but it was about right. People were crying and sharing and reading poems and that's what it was supposed to be. So it was good, but also exhausting in its intensity. The food afterwards was good though! I splurged on food since the rest of the event wasn't really costing anything.

Today I'm in that space of being far away from my next big school thing. I have a final paper due on Monday, and then two exams on Tuesday, and then I'm done. It's a good thing, but also a little overwhelming when I think about it right now. I'm having a major break down around this paper. Everytime I think about it I start crying out of frustration. I don't know what's wrong with me this semester but I really have been feeling incapable of writing. I'm hoping to ease myself in a little bit at a time so it won't be horrible. I also plan to devote most of my weekend to it, which is sort of scary for my two Tuesday exams that I have to study A LOT for. I guess what I'm saying is that today feels like a day that I can slack, but really I can't... at all.

with your sister friend or imaginary wife

I'm feeling a little broken at the moment. I have an exam tomorrow at 11:30am and I'm feeling rather apathetic at the moment. My dream this morning pretty much messed up my day and now I'm feeling anxious about sleeping. This generally was not a great day. It involved some frightening experiences with the cats attacking our mice resulting in a big pile of mess in my bedroom, some staff people causing me problems, disappointing meetings, crisis support, and studying.

I think I'll be okay with the exam tomorrow, I'm just feeling far away from myself and the material. I just want to make all of the self-hate flying around in my brain stop long enough for me think of what I want to say about Tam O'Shanter.

fuck this time and place

There's really nothing like waking up after a dream about a serial rapist. It just makes the birds on my windowsill and my cup of tea this morning so much better. I've had this serial rapist dream before. It takes place in this surreal hotel that's actually just the Box. Jess is dating him, and we're watching the news about the serial rapist. She becomes sure that he's the one and I convince her otherwise. Then I see him grab a younger girl in the hallway and take her into the bathroom and I know. I walk back towards Jess and just say "serial rapist, serial rapist" but there's not enough time for us to figure out what we're going to do about it. Usually it ends up that he cares about Jess so he doesn't plan to rape her, but he rapes me in front of her. This time he tried to rape me and all of the same physical feelings happened: I could feel my body go limp and heavy when he looked at me, everywhere he touched felt like pins and needles... He sat back on the bed and said "I can't fucking believe this". My rapist couldn't get an erection.

So he didn't physically rape me this time around, but I still feel like I usually do when I wake up from these dreams. Shouldn't I be feeling a little more in control?

Fesbillipies

(Feminist Lesbian Hippies... a term I apparently coined in grade twelve!)

Well things are okay. I'm feeling a little more stable. Yesterday I read a little Kipling, and a little Stevenson... I'm slowly crossing off items from my insanely long reading list. My meeting in the Goo got cancelled today, so I'm attempting to do school work in the T-dot. It's harder. But I'm not doing terribly.

My blogging has been all distracted and disjointed lately. Maybe I'm too tired to blog. Maybe it's time for some procrastinapping.

In Syndoche There's A Piece of Me

Today feels like death! If it wasn't the last day of classes I would not have gotten out of bed. It sounded like the end of the world outside. So miserable. But I suppose it was worth it because the baby was in class again today. Cute cuteness! And now I'm in t-dot with a crippling stomach ache... hehe I said crippling and I'm going to Accessibility conference tonight with Tama and Mark. They are currently snuggling and watching me blog. I'm hoping there's going to be tons of free stuff and good food at this conference or else I might just have to explode. I feel like crying.