Cash Money

I just found out that I won a $1000 Women's Studies scholarship! There's an awards ceremony and everything (which makes me a little awkward), but yay! That will pay for my semester if I only take three courses. Excellent!

I'm going to head back to the T-dot today and hope that everything is okay. I've had on and off anxiety heart attack heart for the last few days and it's making me nervous. I'm feeling shockingly insecure and I can't seem to reign it in.

It's been really good to be out here with the Box for awhile lying in the sun on their dock, driving through the rain, and snuggling up for Lost. Mmmm season two. (They went out an bought it as soon as we finished season one.) It is making going home very very difficult.

Ridin' Dirty

Tama and Nomi took me out driving today and it was awesome! I was so nervous, as I usually am. I've only actually been behind the wheel once before, so it's all still very scary. We drove around the back roads around the Lang homestead and I passed a car, and a school bus, and a bike, and two trucks, and a dog running up to and in front of the car! (They were all on coming and frightening.) I also dealt with an S curvy road, stop signs and made two right turns and one left turn... before heading to the real roads! With lines and everything!

I MADE A LEFT TURN AT AN INTERSECTION AND THEN AGAIN INTO A GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT! Holy hell I never thought I'd be able to that. The Langs were proud of me, and impressed that we didn't die seeing as how I've never had a real lesson and they talked me through all of the scary parts. Oh my. I even managed to park generally within the lines... well my wheels were on one of the lines. Then I jumped around the grocery store. I'll be driving soon baby!

The only thing I want at room temperature is my ROOM!

Oh lord. All is generally well in the world of Bex. I did me some double yoga on Saturday, which was unexpected but enjoyable as hell. I had a can't-stop-giggling-fit at the Bagel shop after making the title joke of this post. Mmmm yoga. I plan to go again on Thursday. Or maybe Wednesday.

I say things are generally well because I'm having experiences of what it's like to challenge people and ask serious questions in the real world without being able to vent in my snuggly Centre. (That sounds delicious). So I've come on an impromptu hide-out trip to the Lang's house which will be followed by a B-ville sleepover with Jess tonight. So far we've been watching the first season of Lost, sleeping, and dealing with my stressful e-mails. It's like Beastly all over again but with threats of friendships as opposed to removal of board seats. I hate being put in the feminazi box just because I asked a few strongly worded questions.

It's nice to be out here while dealing with these e-mails. It's not going to be over by the time I get back, but at least I don't have to deal with this weirdness alone.

friendly

I've been back in the T-dot for just under a week now. So far it has involved much sleeping and eating and poor entertainment choices. Jess came to visit on Monday where she showered me with gifts and thai food. I appreciated it. Soulmates reunited! We made completely random comedic references out of nowhere... at the same time! Meant to be. We watched 13 episodes of The Real World Las Vegas. Man those sexy twenty-somethings are foolish, but they sure do have tragic lives! What's not to love? We also ate far too much candy, and watched home videos of Jess as a three year old where I saw the early incarnation of the Jessica drunk smile. She's been a charmer all along.

Tuesday night Steve and I went to see The Condemned. When films are produced by wrestlers, I don't like them. I had a minor anxiety attack triggered by an on screen rape attempt in the first 15 minutes of the movie and that pretty much lost me. Luckily Steve is awesome and we had a hilarious drive home that made me able to breathe again. I appreciate him and his silly movie choices. We're planning to see Tuesday night movies every week for the next while. I predict zombies in my future.

Wednesday and Thursday Steve and I hid at his house sleeping, and playing video games. It was highly necessary. Last night we ended off our relaxation with a silly dinner at Red Lobster (where I drank a berry daquiri bigger than my head), followed by watching We Will Rock You, the Queen musical. Ridiculous.

I started a joke

So I'm sitting on my floor thinking about what I should do next and listening to Reckoning... the Box signal that things are not okay... but there's no one here to read the signals anymore. The piles are slowly decreasing along with my motivation to sort through them, which is just no good. I have a bunch of Jessie's stuff in my room and I'm not sure where to put it right now because it's overwhelming me. Maybe I'll figure out a way to shove it in the closet because lord knows she's not coming to get it until December. The rest of the house is slowly coming together, but I'm sick of working on that too. I kind of just want to lie down. In fact I likely will lie down and read after I finish this post. It's either read or drink some cuban rum and seeing as how i'm alone and sad I don't think that would be the best idea. I also feel like I should eat something, but I'm just really not hungry. I think I'm going to have to make a list of what actually needs to get done before I leave Guelph and try to cook up some sort of schedule to motivate myself. I don't think I can do anything right now.

Feelin' Ode-Y

Here's an excellent ode to jello by Percy Dovenonsils written in the Spring of 1971.

Jello's Ode

Fruit-flavoured lights!
Shivering, quivering, edible sights!
Spooned up suns of chewable mood-
Plasmic, prismic, rhythmic, food.

Cool-jeweled pools of sweimming sliced fruits
Crisp apple crayfish and mandarin newts.
Mellifluous, drift through us, cubical, spherical,
Sinuous swallows of transparent miracle.

IJIJIJIJIJIJIJ

It's pretty amazing that I've spent the last five days cleaning like a tenant moving out, organizing and unpacking like I've just moved in, and making repairs like a landlord... and I'm still in the same house, and I'm not a grown up. I'm exhausted and still have hours of cleaning and organizing ahead of me. My body is falling apart. I'm all infected and my skin is breaking out and I just don't look or feel right.

I have been having really bad nightmares. Luckily I've been waking up with Steve over the last few days which helps. I've been doing things like waking up not breathing, or ripping out my nose ring in my sleep. All of the nightmares are upsetting, but really obvious. Lots of dreams about ghosts, Nomi screaming at me about all the things that are wrong with me, and my new roommate showing up at the front door with a giant ass axe and the intention to kill Tama, Nomi and I. I've been waking up feeling horrible and heavy.

I've decided to start up a new addiction. I'll make a present for whoever guesses what it is.