No human emotion can be sustained indefinitely.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Don't Hate My Vagina Cuz it's Beautiful

In first year Jess, Tama and I made a slew of buttons during exam week. Three of which have the slogan "Don't Hate My Vagina Cuz It's Beautiful" on a pink background. I still have my button, I think Jess does too, but Tama lost hers. Tonight Tama, Nomi and I were on the bus and we sat accross from two sort of hippy looking guys who were chatting. Tama leans over to me and tells me that she's spotted our very own button on one of the guys knapsacks! So I interrupted their conversation to tell him the origins of his button. It was all very exciting. Apparently he found it in his second year at the library and has been wearing it ever since. So yes, it's just exciting when something that you've created is out floating in the world independently of yourself. It made my day.

Andy Samberg is Shockingly Adorable

I accomplished a few things today and very few of them were academic. I guess that's okay. I went to my first stress management group today. I'm really trying to be open-minded, but I just can't deal with the cheesiness of it all. I've always hated people telling me how to cope with stress because I always feel like it's out of my control. I can't tell how much of this attitude is negative self-talk and how much is truth. I constantly assert that my stress is above and beyond control because when I get stressed I don't want to control it, I want to wallow in it and let it take over. Then I go on to assert that this is because I feel like I don't deserve to feel calm and safe and good. I've built myself a damn wall.

I know that this is bullshit, but everytime someone tells me to do something like give myself a big hug for taking some time for me (i.e. yoga, or stress management workshops) I just get overwhelmed with hate for myself, hate for feeling the way I feel, and hate for the fact that whoever is telling me to do this just doesn't understand. So I've identified that this is a bad reaction, but how do I fix this? I'm trying my best to convince myself that it's time to deal with anxiety, but as soon as the instructer started talking in her sugary sweet voice about "climbing stress mountain" I wanted to gag. And later I just wanted to cry. I just don't want to take 20 minutes a day to practice stress management skills because I don't feel like I have the time and frankly I'm mean to myself.

There are only three students in the group, everyone else is mid to late thirties or fifty plus. It's an interesting group. I guess I'm just concerned that there's something deeper and more serious going on in terms of disorders and such and that this is going to be more hurtful than helpful. We'll see.

Monday, January 30, 2006

CSA AGM: part deux

It took me forever to get home today. Physically and emotionally. I'm here though and I'm okay. I'm exhausted and I don't want to do any work. My room is a mess and I'm not prepared for tomorrow. The grocery shopping is done, but I missed a meeting. Shit.

Tonight was the CSA AGM reprise and it all turned out in our favour. Luckily the Aggies saw the error of their ways and decided that minoritized voices do deserve to have a voice on the student council. Brilliant. It gave me a little faith that the world is not always as bad as it seems.

Also, I've just confirmed that I'm secretly in love with Macelod. We were talking about pearl necklaces and she did the EXACT same bit that Steve did this weekend. Eerie.

Jess/Steve (imitating a girly voice): For Valentines Day, my boyfriend gave me a pearl necklace!
Steve/Jess (responding): Oh really? Can I see it?
Jess/Steve (girly voice): Oh no, I washed it off.

TLC gets me everytime

Here's the trouble... last night I couldn't sleep. So instead of reading I ended up watching a Miami Ink marathon until 3am. Stupid. It was just kind of fascinating to see what tattoos people were getting and why.

Then I slept in this morning and missed the bus to the Goo. Thus missing class twice in a row. I am dumb.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Bex and the Penile Constriction Band

This weekend has been full. I opted to take the Greyhound in to the Goo tomorrow so I'm currently at home wondering why I can't seem to read Romance of the Forest. I think I'll stop trying. I spent a lot of quality time with that Steve guy this weekend which was very satisfying after two weeks apart. We took my brother out for sushi (which is pretty much the only restaurant food besides salad that I can eat right now on this cleanse). It was fun and fairly pricey. Besides all the relaxing, I panicked a few times this weekend, though it doesn't seem as bad as it did before.

I had a few little moments of freak out in the MRI tube on Friday. I was in there for two hours total (with little breaks to do things like change the set up from brain to spine and give me injections of fluorescent goo). For the first bit I couldn't open my eyes because I felt like I was in a coffin or a space pod or something. I kept having flashbacks to walking away from my grandfather's coffin in December. For the hour and a half stint I had a blanket on me and I just felt like it was getting hotter and hotter and that the air was running out. The nurses and technicians laughed at me when I told them, because I should have pushed the panic button. But I was scared because I didn't want to interrupt the whole process and I didn't know what the panic button does. It's a weird voiceless space to be in, in that tube and I didn't want to push myself over the edge with the panic because I was really working to keep it together.

The second moment of panic was driving high with Shane and Steve. I had to really try to keep myself together. I just kept thinking of how ironic it would be for me, little miss follow the rules to keep from getting in trouble, died doing something stupid like being intoxicated in a car where the driver is also intoxicated. Ironic and totally disappointing for my family. Because clearly if the car had been hit I would have been the one to go.

The third was in the subway today with Matt. The TTC makes me panic a lot. I don't know what set me off but I couldn't breathe and was really dizzy. Of course I was mercilessly made fun of for this :o) so I tried to pull myself together. I went to lie down as soon as I got home. Things just weren't right.

So now I wait two weeks to get my MRI and EP test results. Hopefully there's no M.S. in my future. At least there should be some sort of conclusion to this whole fiasco. I'm entirely sure it's just anxiety. This week kicks off the whole going to groups in order to better myself thing. I'm pretty sure I'll panic and not be able to walk into the room. We'll see. There's a lot of time sensitive shit I have to get done in the next few days and I'm really hoping it will all get done. I realized tonight that an application for an art show I want to be a part of is due tomorrow and I have yet to send that in. Hopefully a phone call and an express post can make that happen. I hate when I do stupid things.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Semen makes the best lube!

I found out today that one of my best friends is switching from the pill to the ring. The hormones are exactly the same, but instead of taking a pill you insert a hormone soaked ring to surround your cervix and catch those sperm before they make a break for it. You put the ring in for three weeks and then a little timer goes off, you take it out, bleed, and put a new one in. Fancy. Though my first response the Ring was to motion towards my yoni while menacingly whispering "Seven Days".

Lay Lady Lay

Oh the blogging! Tonight I went through my old first year blog and laughed and laughed. Man that's funny shit. I encourage all of you to check it out thusly. I was pretty damned pleased with all of it.

I was so excited to blog all night, but now I'm all sleepy. I just chased Tama around the room with a cat toy wang and now I'm spent. For some reason I can't go to bed or read Judith Butler. I imagine once I start on Ju Bu sleep will soon follow.

Among many other moments of brilliance here's a few favourites from the first year blog:

A Jess and Rebecca Haiku Moment

I loves the gay porn
You loves the hot lesbo porn
Watch porn together

Posted Wednesday, March 17, 2004 on urban-faery
Discussion: Blogging

Since course selection time has rolled around once again my paranoia about my future has resurfaced. Since all of the courses I seem to want to take fall under the category of "electives" I have decided that I will simply have to finish school and do what I can to survive. The following are some job possibilities for me in the future:

Dog Breeder
Salad Spinner Artist
Professional BUtton Maker
Wool Spinner
Weaver
Time Traveller Extraordinaire
Dog Show Judge
Sex Therapist
Repo Person
Sales Mascot (the ones who stand at the side of the road)
Sandwich Board Person
Professional Pheonix (who spontaneously combusts and then regenerates)
Professional Nay-Sayer
Tenacious D Groupie
QAF Male Glisten Applier
Crazy- maker
Five Foot Ten 120 Pound Model
Professional Commodity
Lesbian
Bunny Farmer
Sea Captain

the bigger the shoulder pads, the bigger the lesbians

I seem to have broken my right pinky finger. I don't know how but it hurts like bitch in a bear trap. I don't know what I did! It makes me feel like I want to crack it, but I think cracking it will just make it hurt more. Owwy owwy.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

where is my mind

The word depleated isn't as good as its French translation, but I guess that's the word I've been looking for all these years to describe how I'm feeling. I slept in today and it's only eight o'clock but my body is definitely shutting down instead of being pumped up for work. My head is cloudy and I just feel heavy. Not good. I even took a brief kitten nap and it's not helping. So I'm listening to the slow song mix from my last compy. And waiting for this to pass.

I'm going for a counselling session tomorrow and I don't really know what I'm going to talk about. I kind of laid everything on the table last time and now I don't know what to do. I have nothing else to say, but I also can't change anything because I just don't have the energy. Bah. This blog is starting to feel like I'm walking hip deep in sand. It's all the same thing lately. Maybe something brilliant and hilarious will perk this thing up. Or maybe I'll start photographing my genitals and posting them.

I'm going home this weekend and it's all very scary.

your face

The beautiful, and also frustrating part about having a three class schedule is that I spend a lot more time in bed. For example, I'm writng this from my bed right now. I suppose the point of this whole thing was to try to be comfortable and relaxed about school this semester. I think I'm still easing in. Last night I finished one of the books I had to finish by tomorrow, which is satisfying, and now I'm going to go make tea and read the article I have to read by this afternoon. It all seems very civilized.

The trouble with getting full hours of sleep is the nightmares. After years of not having nightmares (I had tons when I was a kid) about three years ago they started up again. Now they take different forms, but they're still upsetting. I wake up and my body tingles numbness from the fear. It doesn't feel right. I suppose I'm supposed to deal with all of my conscious shit before they'll go away, but man that's a lot of shit.

So yes, here I go starting my day at 11:45am. There's no shame in that... I think.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Like Cunt and Fuckhole Dirty?

Oh lord.

And now we play the waiting game...

I went for morals instead of strategy today and I definitely voted NDP. I got all paranoid on my way to vote and thought that I wouldn't have enough I.D. or something. I was a total panic case about voting. I called Elections Canada and spoke to the registration booth guys just to make sure I knew exactly what I needed to bring to vote in Guelph instead of my Toronto riding. But yeah, it's done and I certainly hope that Canada doesn't get all fucked over. And what's with that Christian Heritage Party? I want to know their deal! Why aren't they smearing anybody?

So yeah, I'm sitting on my couch with a kitty watching election coverage and screwing around on the internet. I went for another cranio-sacral massage treatment today. It was good, but this woman is much more scientific and pragmatic about the whole thing. It was different than the woman I saw in Toronto, and it was good for different reasons. Anyway, she gave me some exercises to do that will hopefully keep the numbness and anxiety at bay, and I might as well try. Yay alternative medicine!

The Cultural Taboo of Women and Anal Sex

The word taboo describes “a ban or an inhibition resulting from social custom or emotional aversion”.1 There are many taboos that circulate around women’s sexuality that influence perception of and attitudes towards the female body and elicit these sentiments of inhibition. These taboos affect how women are viewed by society as well as how women relate to their own bodies. The taboo around anal sex for women is intensely present in Western culture today. From early childhood informal interpersonal and formal institutional social controls enforce the idea that that the anus is a private and dirty part of the body.2 This results in a social perception that it is wrong and unnatural to regard the anus as a sexually erotic body part. The history and perpetuation of the taboo around anal sex is routed in the institutions of the Church, the medical community, the legal system, and the family. This taboo is enforced through interpersonal social controls within these institutions. These controls make anal sex especially deviant for women. Breaking down this taboo would not only allow women to experience sexual pleasure other than vaginal penetration without shame, but it would allow them to gain power and control in sex by having the ability to penetrate their partners with strap-on dildos acting as artificial penises.3 This allows women to take on the traditionally more dominant role as penetrators instead of having no choice but to be the submissive receptacle for the penis. This female power can be perceived as threatening as it contradicts traditional positions of women in sex and in society. It also questions a taboo that has been so heavily perpetuated. Thus the Western cultural taboo around anal sex for women exists as a result of social controls and can be broken down by heterosexual and queer couples engaging in anal sex play, and generating more sexual health information about anal sex, to create a more positive image of anal sex and sexual power for women.

Formal social controls are put in place by institutions to maintain a certain order in society.4 Institutions like the church, the medical community, the legal system, and the family all influence the social perception of anal sex. As the religious text of the Church, the Bible has been used for centuries to condemn non-procreative, non-heterosexual sex acts.5 In his text Anal Pleasure and Sexual Health, Jack Morin writes:
In the Judeo Christian tradition, the taboo against anal intercourse is seen as coming from God. In the Old Testament story, God completely destroys the city of Sodom, presumably as punishment for rampant sodomy among its people. […] Among believers, condemnation of anal sex is not based on any discernible principle except the desire to avoid the wrath of God.6

This fear and belief invoked in Judeo-Christian has had a great affect on the maintenance of the taboo around anal sex in general for women and men. The Bible contains many references to the evil and wickedness of sodomites. Sodomy refers to “Any of various forms of sexual intercourse held to be unnatural or abnormal, especially anal intercourse or bestiality”.7 The Bible contains explicit statements about the Lord’s condemnation of sodomy: “But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly”.8 This depiction in the Old Testament of anal sex as being sinful, evil, and condemned by God has caused the Church to enforce rules against anal sex. Though the Church does not have as much control in current Western society as it did in the past, residue of these attitudes remain present in society today. Bible excerpts about sodomy are also often used to condemn homosexuality. This homophobia in society is largely influenced by the Church’s concern around the maintenance of heterosexual procreative couple as the norm.9 The homophobic attitude towards anal sex as being only practiced between gay males, has influenced why it is so taboo for women to engage in anal intercourse.10

The medical community has heavily influenced the homophobic perception around anal sex as it has framed AIDS as a “gay male disease”.11 When the fear of AIDS became widespread in the nineteen eighties there was a large amount of misinformation around the spread of the disease. Originally “propaganda about safer sex claimed that heterosexuals and lesbians weren’t at risk. Then heterosexuals and lesbians started getting sick”.12 Anal sex without a condom is a high-risk sexual activity in terms of contracting AIDS and HIV no matter who your partner is. Because society has made the connection between anal sex and gay males, and the connection between gay males and AIDS, a fear has been instilled that anal sex is the easiest way to contract AIDS. Anal sex has become so linked with the disease that “many people assume that anal sex in and of itself will cause the disease”.13 The medical community has greatly contributed to the taboo around anal sex for women because it has evoked fear of anal sex by linking it with AIDS and has perpetuated the homophobia around anal sex being solely for gay males.

The medical community also lacks information about anal sex for women. Though women are encouraged to ask questions and learn about safer sex, birth control, and risks of pregnancy in heterosexual sex, the medical community does not make it comfortable for women to ask questions about anal intercourse and it is not generally brought up by healthcare professionals.14 Since the medical community does not allow for women to freely and comfortably acquire information about anal sex, it is contributing to the attitude that anal sex is a shameful practice. Taboos around non-procreative sex would be broken down if they were more often discussed in institutional settings like the medical community, as these would cause more discussion and acceptance within greater society.
The legal system also influences the taboo of anal sex for women because it has controlled sexual acts in society by regulating which are legal, and thus condoned by the State, and which are not. As society has moved away from the control of the Church into the control of the State, law around sexuality have just as much impact in the formation of attitudes towards sexual practices as the rules of the Bible. Canada’s Criminal Code was amended in 1969 to decriminalize sexual practices between same sex partners. This amendment also included the legalization of anal sex committed in private between persons 21 years or older.15 Prior to this, the criminal code included anal sex between two men, or between a man and a woman under the term “sodomy” and was considered an “unnatural sex act” and a “crime against nature”.16 Because anal sex was previously considered a criminal offence and was labeled as “unnatural” the conclusion can be drawn that the legal system has had an impact in enforcing the taboo around anal sex as it was presented as a threat to the well-being of society. The current age of consent for anal sex in Canada is eighteen years of age, while all other sex acts vaginal and (oral intercourse, etc.) are considered consensual at age fourteen.17 The fact that anal sex can only be consented to at the age of majority enforces the taboo as it causes anal sex to be perceived as some how different from all other sex acts. By making the consensual age eighteen the Criminal Code causes anal sex to continue to be feared and perceived as more dangerous as it seems to require the responsibility of an adult.

The institution of the family enforces the anal sex taboo, as the family is one of the primary institutions where children are taught about sex and sexuality. Though the family is a formal institution, and thus involved in formal social controls, the interpersonal interactions within the family enforce informal social controls. Informal social controls include actions like staring, laughing, frowning, avoiding, and shaming around taboo topics such as anal sex and anal pleasure.18 From an early age children are “taught that the anus is the dirtiest part of our bodies and that it needs to be brought under strict control. The same orifice that was a source of innocent pleasure during infancy becomes a source of shame and confusion in childhood”.19 Children feel ashamed of anal pleasures as a result of adult authority figures. This greatly affects their sexual development and influences the rest of their lives as “We are each individually shaped by our early presexual lives, which are constructed on a biological base, and a socially and historically transformed through our lived experiences as men and women.”20 With a negative attitude towards anal sex in the early stages of sexual development, the framework is laid for adult apprehension around anal sex that is caused by social institutions. As there are so many formal social controls maintaining the taboo of anal sex for women it is easy to believe that “[…] many adults are unable to conceive of the anus as an erogenous zone.”21 This fear and aversion to the anus as a site of pleasure is a direct result of the anal sex taboo.

Formal and informal social controls label anal sex as a deviant behaviour. Though the practice of anal sex has been named deviant in an attempt to enforce the taboo and make the practice shameful, this very label can be sexually appealing. The taboo around anal sex gives it an air of the forbidden; “[…] feelings of shame and transgression can be highly erotic, and that some people doubtlessly enjoy anal play in part because they feel they’re messing around where they shouldn’t.”22 The fact that anal sex seems naughty and that people are ashamed to admit to it enhances the eroticism and appeal of anal sex. In this way the anal sex taboo has been reclaimed to enhance the sexual experience for those engaging in the act. This enjoyment of the cultural taboo of anal sex is a positive step towards deconstructing the taboo as people are subverting its original purpose.

This subversion can also be found in the fact more heterosexuals are openly engaging in anal sex causing the homophobic perception of anal sex as a “gay male sex act” to be deconstructed. Teenagers seem to be engaging in anal sex more often as an option to vaginal intercourse that will not result in pregnancy; “Heterosexual anal intercourse, while uncommon, is more frequent among young people who have already experienced vaginal intercourse than among any older age groups.”23 The fact that teens are engaging in anal sex more than older age groups could signify that the taboo around anal sex and women is becoming less persistent in society. A study done in two thousand and three with eight hundred and thirteen female students at a United-States College generated statistics regarding heterosexual women and anal intercourse. Ninety-four percent (seven hundred and sixty one) of these students were sexually experienced, meaning that they had engaged in vaginal-penile intercourse. Within that group, thirty two percent had engaged in anal intercourse. It is interesting to note that of the fifty-two women who were not sexually experienced, three of them reported engaging in anal intercourse.24 The perception of anal sex as being a first penetrative sexual experience, again, calls into question the effectiveness of the taboo of anal sex for young women in today’s society. The mere existence of this study indicates that society is moving towards breaking down the cultural taboo around anal sex because it is recognizing anal sex as a valid topic in sex research.

The appeal and acceptance of anal sex despite the taboo has not only been used for males to anally penetrate females, but also for heterosexual females to be able to penetrate male partners, and queer females to penetrate each other anally. Females are able to penetrate their partners through the use of artificial phalluses called dildos or strap-ons. Dildos are used in conjunction with a harness to enable women to penetrate their partners.25 The use of strap-ons counters the taboo around anal sex for women because it empowers them to give penetrative anal pleasure, as well as the ability to receive it. The act of a woman penetrating her partner effectively subverts the homophobic perception of anal sex being strictly for gay males. This act also gives women a sexual power they would not usually have because in the Western patriarchal society power is often associated with the phallus. “Natural” sex is culturally considered in the West to be “man-on-top” vaginal penetration.26 Masculine dominance can be seen as being perpetuated through this type of sex act as it maintains the woman’s position as submissive and compliant to the man’s penile penetration.27 To give a woman the ability to have a penis allows her to take on that gendered power within sex and escape from the traditional submissive sexual role of the women.

Anal sex can be effectively used in power play “Because it is already considered taboo, naughty, and forbidden, those attitudes can be exaggerated and played with in the context of an erotic encounter.”28 The eroticization of the taboo allows for power and gender roles to be explored and challenged with the use of strap-ons. Carol Queen is quoted in The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women as saying “What I like about assholes is, everybody has one.”29 Because both men and women have an anus, anal sex being performed by a woman on a man can be an equalizing experience even though the woman does not have a real penis.30 This is an opportunity for the man in a heterosexual scenario to experience the powerlessness that society enforces on women. In both a heterosexual and a queer scenario, the woman dominating the experience of anal sex is able to experience and play with the male gender power role. It is in this way that anal sex can allow men and women to experience equal power and equal sexual experience.

Though the anal sex taboo is heavily enforced on women through formal and informal social controls, there is a possibility for change. The values that are being perpetuated within social institutions are deeply rooted in historical outlooks on sexuality. Though there continue to be followers of the Judeo-Christian faith that condemn anal sex as morally apprehensible, this conservative outlook is not the dominant one. Progression in the medical system to include anal sex in sexual health education is not an impossible request. Safer sex initiatives can easily be made to include anal sex and anal health within the context of women’s sexuality. Doctors could begin to provide this information and create a space where questions about anal sex can be as easily asked as questions about birth control. The legal system has already progressed to move away from discriminating against consensual sexual acts, though this can continue to be improved. The institution of the family is greatly responsible to create a safe and comfortable space where children can learn about and love their bodies. A greater awareness about how to teach children about body parts and hygiene in a way that does not shame them is necessary to diminish the power of the anal sex taboo. Evidence that this taboo is already starting to be broken down can be seen statistically as young women are engaging in anal sex, and are willing to participate in studies about this taboo topic. As long as there continue to be women engaging in anal sex for pleasure as both the givers and receivers of penetration, and women who are willing to discuss anal sex honestly and openly, it is possible that in the future the taboo of anal sex for women will be forgotten and anal sex will be free of such intense social control.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

"Did you bring those chocolate bars just to bug me" "Oh hell yeah. I hate chocolate bars!"

There's something small inside me, right in the core of my body that that feels beautiful and sad. It's a dark lipstick place. A place that I want to retreat into when I'm filled with the overwhelming intricacies of the places and people around me. I want to pull them in my core and just hold them there and be consumed in this darkness. It's the feeling you get at the end of Fight Club, or American Beauty, where that music plays and you feel like you just can't support your own weight with the intensity of it all. And that music plays and the petals or buildings fall, and you feel like you've seen something real.

This weekend was real. This weekend was snow on the ground, guitars playing, story telling, emotionally real. And now I'm in that dark lipstick space. I've been falling more and more into these spaces of silence where I want to talk, and I just don't know how. I start talking and then something clicks off in my brain where I second guess everything I'm saying, or I start worrying whether what I'm saying is coming out right.

This afternoon I cried while I was talking to Matt. And his response made me so happy I cried a little more. I feel really lucky that I have these people in my life who will participate in these moments with me. And yes, I told him that I didn't think that he coped well with the events of the past couple of months... and that's probably because I don't know how to cope at all.

I suppose I don't think that other people can judge how poorly or well someone is coping because they have no way of knowing that person's true experience. I think that people deal with intense and traumatic experiences the best they can at a particular point in time. These methods are not always healthy, but they can still be effective for the individual. I think that telling someone that they have coped well or poorly indicates that they have some control. In my experience, when what you're doing can be described as "coping", you're just doing whatever the fuck you can to keep your head above water. So in that sense, if you're not dead or in a drug induced stupor after a traumatic experience or depression, then yes, you coped well. I suppose in saying that Matt didn't "cope well" I just meant to affirm that his experience was a difficult one and he dealt with it how he needed to at the time despite anyone else's standards of coping. If someone tells me they aren't coping well, I have no reason to tell them that they are. I'm simply here to offer any real support that I can give, and hope that when I need to be held up they'll be there with open arms (or possibly the offer to smack me for crying).

Bouillion. Bouillion. Future. Future.

I'm so overwhelmed by existance right now. Not even limited to my own stupid anxieties, I'm talking grand-scheme-of-things-mortality kind of overwhelmed. I had an excellent and beautiful weekend up at camp. It was just nice to breathe in clean air and taste fresh snow. I feel really satisfied with the amount of socializing I did and I even got some reading and writing done, so all in all it was a success.

The whole thing has made me all concerned about what to do about this summer. I have done the same thing every summer for the past fifteen years. So now that Spiral Garden is out, do I spend the whole summer up at camp? Or do I just find something entirely different to do? Which one of those falls under "Go big or go home"? I feel like it could really go either way at this point.

Today was really nice. We woke up and did some singing and reflecting, then Jess, Mel, Beth, Carolyn and I piled into the 'Burb and drove home. The 'Burb is a giant SUV. We played lots of Sarah Harmer and Alanis... all albums that we know all the words to. It was just one those drives where you feel like things make sense. The trees along the side of the road were all coated with sparkly ice, and it was all beautiful and magic like. I just feel like being out in the woods was what I needed to do this weekend. I just needed to breathe and see a little bit of reality.

Friday, January 20, 2006

It's Like An Eating Disorder With Rules

Thanks to one of my trusty nightmares I actually got up this morning and accomplished everything I needed to, except for reading about a hundre and fifteen pages of gothic novel, but no matter. I talked to the hospital that I'm heading to for my MRI a week today, I sent a job description to CUPE, I had a shower, and made some real breakfast. Good morning.

I'm leaving at four thirty today to go to the Menno reunion up at camp. I'm looking forward to it with a slight edge of anxiety. What else is new. Last time I was at camp things went badly in every way. This weekend is kind of the pivotal moment of deciding how much time I want to spend up at camp this year. Tough. I also don't like being at the mercy of drivers and traffic and weather when I have time constraints on Sunday. I have to be back on time to interview Matt Brown for my class on adolescence and coming of age. I'm pretty excited to be writing about the Matt Brown all semester. Who doesn't love that guy?
You'd have to be a dumbtard not to love that guy.

So yes. I'm going to try to continue breathing. Because not breathing is just plain silly. I'm going to try to enjoy my books and assignments, and I'm just going to relax and enjoy my wheat, dairy, sugar-free world. My dad calls it the "eat/eet" diet: No meat, no wheat, no sweet, and no teat.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Box Cleanse, Week Two

1. Follow the diet without cheating (no wheat, sugar, dairy, caffeine, alcohol, hydrogenated foods)
2. Tinctures twice a day
3. Allow three hours to digest dinner before bed
4. Begin a daily exercise program

Goobs, goobs, everywhere the goobs!

I'm very lucky for my fabulous professors this semester. I'm still very much settling into the semester, but it's starting to work. Today was just really dizzy and lost though. But I bought my books, went to class, went to meetings, and made some pretty decent first time hummus.

The highlight of the day would be making fun of this philosophy goober (aka philogoob) in my literature in history class with Jess. We enjoy a good goob. The major markings of the goob include only owning and wearing a few outfits on rotation (sometimes just one outfit), a general aire of superiority, saying things in ice breaker activities like mortality is your biggest fear, and interrupting everyone all the time. Today we sang a song about him to the tune of Animaniacs "chicken boo":

Philogoob what's the matter with you?
You don't act like the other people do.
You wear a disguise to look like human guys
but you're not a man,
You're a philogoob!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Please stop pawing my bosom

Today was a fairly decent day. It started off with lots of crying, but I needed that. I was on campus from 10:30 to 7:30 and I accomplished everything on my hand-list of stuff to do. This one class a day business really gets school done. Tomorrow I have lots to do again, and I have a meeting at 10am. I think I'll be okay. The biggest challenge is not having food that I can eat on campus. There's really nothing. It's crazy.

In my one class today I started by doing a pretty mean acrobatic trick. I had to climb over a really big desk, but I leaned on the part with no legs under it and the table started to tip. It was one of those moments where you're watching your body slowly approach the floor and you just can't do anything to prevent the fall. Luckily Jess and Nomi acted quick and counterbalanced the desk while I rolled off, stumbled and then presented like the gymnast that I am. There was much laughter in the classroom.

The freezing rain today was funny. The entire campus was covered with a fine layer of ice, and every student was shuffling at a snails pace and talking about how crazy the whole thing was. It was a nice sort of community sense to watch everyone and know that no matter who you were and what sort of power you have the damn weather equalized us all.

I'm off to try to cram six hours of reading into two and to plan the next two years of my life so I have something legitimate to tell the B.A. counsellor about tomorrow morning.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Depression? Not when there are animals dressed as bugs out there.



and further more...



For more dogs dressed as bees, checkout this useless link

Look at your watch, breathe, and count to ten

ANXIETY! I dropped one of my five courses today. I may drop another one in a matter of minutes. I don't know what to do. I think taking three courses will be good for me. I'm scared though. There's a sense of failure for me in not taking a full course load. And I really don't want to drop my semiotics of the body course, but I pretty much have to. Today I had to navigate an anxiety attack just to get myself upstairs and into the classroom. I had a really good talk with the prof after class though and he made me feel a little more okay about waiting to take this course until later. He told me I need to develop some coping mechanisms and I need to do it now. Nice how someone I've talked to for a total of ten minutes can figure that out. He told me it sounded like I just needed permission to drop the course, and then he gave me permission. Then I went outside and cried. Being a mess is ridiculous.

I ended up staying up late last night talking to an old friend and crying. Crying is a theme right now. Crying and feeling exhausted. I need to get myself under control, I need to stop letting the illogical bullshit eat my brain, and I need to start feeling confident making decisions for myself. I am not confident, and I don't trust in myself no matter how much proof I have that I'm capable... See that's an example of bullshit that I shouldn't let get to me. I'm just a little lost now in the best time of my life.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Snack Attack Motha-Fucka

My body feels like I'm walking through water. Just heavy and exhausted. I haven't quite gotten over my fear of this semester yet. I suppose I'll cure that by throwing myself head first into it. I already have three appointments, two books, eight articles, and a presentation to do for next week. Ow.

This weekend was good though. I went out, I slept in, I snuggled a lot and played with kittens. I didn't get to the marked though which may cause problems when I try to eat later. You see the cleanse I am on along with Nomi and Tama is insane. I don't know why I've commited to this insanity. It's been five days and I'm regretting it. For the next five and a half weeks I will not be eating wheat, refined sugar, dairy, caffeine, and alcohol. Bah. In weeks three to six we also have to give up honey and maple syrup which is awful. And week five we just alternate fasting which is going to be hard.

That's kind of it right now. Lots of disturbing dreams and saying goodbye and tiredness are making today hard and lonely.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Oh Lord, Here Comes Yet Another Day!

I've realized this week how severely I hold grudges. I didn't think I was that bad, until I arrived at school to find I had two classes with a prof that I declared that I hated after first year. It turns out she won me over and I enjoy her a fair bit. So that has made me wonder about all of the other people who have made me feel bad or insecure or inadequate and who have thus incurred my wrath. Maybe they're not all that deserving? Maybe this is part of why I go numb.

I think holding grudges is partly my Leo's pride, but mostly my rampant insecurity and self-conciousness. If someone triggers my self-hatred, I don't get over it easily, because it takes a really long time for me to convince myself out of self-hating. I take the people in my life very seriously (maybe too seriously) so when they hurt me I get hurt real bad. I can think of at least seven people right now (almost all male) that I am holding grudges against for past wrongdoings. I think about these people often. Most of my sleeplessness involves thinking about how they've affected me and how I reacted, how I should have reacted and what I'd like to say to them now. I still have nightmares about events with people seven years ago. This is probably not healthy. I'm just completely filled up with past anxieties so these new ones just get stacked on top. So it's time to release some anger. I think I'm going to go on a letter writing adventure with little to no intention of mailing them out. There's just a lot that I have to let go and a lot of people that I'm just really angry with.

My current theme song is "Have Another Drink" by the Kinks. This has nothing to do with grudges. It just makes me feel better.

Has everybody got problems?
Are you stuck in a deadend job?
Frustrated and dissatisfied?
Are you on the edge of suicide?
Terrorist bombers on the left,
Fascist plots on the right.
Mass destruction and homicide,
Are you horrified and terrified?
Such a shame.

We've all got problems we know,
There's one thing that's for sure,
There's only one cure for all your hangups and all your depressions.

Have another drink it'll make you feel better,
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
If you feel down and you're under the weather
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
(Repeat above four lines).

Facts and figures.
Filling out forms.
Reading circulars.
Dictating letters.
Is your occupation
Getting to your brain?
Is there no relief?
It's like a ball and chain.
There's no need to get depressed,
Worrying won't make it better.
There's only one consolation I can recommend.
Don't take my word for it, try it for yourself.

Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
Have another drink it'll make you feel better.
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
Have another drink it'll make you feel better.
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.

If you're feeling down and you're under the weather,
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.
Have another drink it'll make you feel better,
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.

If you're feeling down and under the weather,
Have another drink and you'll feel alright.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

"I fucked the lawn, and the lawn won" (sing it!)

Day two. I got through today okay which is fun. I'm ridiculously tired again though. Tama, Nomi and I are preparing to start a huge cleanse tomorrow. Our last meal was a giant pot of KD. Mmmmmm. It's a six week cleanse where we have to eliminate wheat, sugar, dairy, caffeine and alcohol. Woot. I can't still smoke pot though, which will make me seem less lame around the cool kids. Classes today were good, but again I'm a little frightened by the workload. I think I'm going to purchase a giant calendar that will allow me to see multiple months at a time so I can visually see everything that needs to be done food-wise and school-wise.

Currently Jess and I are watching Lady Bunnington the Third attack our rug. It's ridiculously hilarious. the kittens are great. Their genitals are so black! You can see pictures of the kittens on T.J's blog. I'll put some up soon.

Monday, January 09, 2006

The Kittens Are Here!

Yes, the box is now equipped with two pussies currently named Bonnie and Clyde. However they will be required to take on the names of our fictitious bunnies Puff Puff and Lady Bunnington the Third. The Kittens are about five months old and they are crazy and energetic. We will raise them as feminists and they will help us change the world... in the next four months.

I've never had cats because my mom is ridiculously allergic. I enjoy them, but I don't identify with them in the way that some cat people do. They kind of freak me out a little actually, but I've been working on that and I've gotten MUCH better since my days of being attacked at babysitting jobs by angry felines. Anyway, everyone should come visit the kittens before they are too cat like. I'll post pictures when I'm less lazy.

It was a long day of sleep deprivation, brain fog, and talking my way into classes. As of right now I'm in all seminar courses, which means they are all very specific 20 person classes with gigantic work loads. I did a whole bunch home improvement type stuff today and I'm twenty pages away from finishing one of the books I had to read over the holidays. Excellent.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

My vagina was like, "What about me?"

Well, I'm back boxin'. I'm a little sick, a little dizzy and a lot tired. The school website is fucked up and none of us know where our classes are tomorrow. (Some of us don't even know which classes we're supposed to have tomorrow.) Oh Lord, I suppose starting the semester crying in the U.C. because I don't know where my class is makes a lot of sense.

So far since returning we've eaten chips, watched some of Ever After, and we are currently watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Tomorrow we get two new kittens that are five months old. Exciting.