No human emotion can be sustained indefinitely.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

indulge me. it's been awhile.

I haven't written for too long. Mostly because everything I have to say is either too overwhelming to focus on enough to put into words, too exciting to get things into perspective, or too heart-wrenching so that I can't see through the tears. Also, I'm moving back to Toronto, which generally means less blogging.

I finished school almost two weeks ago, so why am I still stressed? I really am. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of throwing up, and that's no good for anyone. This past week there has been nothing but conflicts and troubles and the general need to explain myself being pushed up against a procedural roadblock that inhibits me from satisfying this need. I'm not sure what to do with myself, but until I can walk away from this, my physical anxious response will not let up.

This semester is just dragging on. I should be home by now. I should have a job by now. I should have a plan by now. I should be starting all of the creative projects I had in mind instead of zoning out into a panic attack. I should stop compulsively eating.

Tonight Macelod and I were all alone, and though we had our fun moments, I still spent four hours dealing with school related conflicts and responsabilities. And now I can't decide when I'm going to go back to Toronto. I just don't know what makes sense anymore. I can't afford financially or emotionally to keep taking the Greyhound back and forth for meetings, and I can't decide how much I personally need to be there. I just know I don't want to leave this semester feeling unheard.

This has been a week of frustrations, of examining privilege, and of dealing with the complicated lack of intonation when expressing serious matters over e-mail. I'm feeling odd, and lost, and generally hurt. I'm trying to actively fix this, but it's hard when your individual reactions have to take a back seat to your position in a group. Everything I need to say is gathering up in my belly and I have no access to an outlet and I'm not sure if I will. And if I don't, I'm not sure how I'm going to start my summer.

Monday, April 24, 2006

"The trouble with being intangible is that you have no say in the editing process"

Seeing as how I'm officially done third year it's about time for the sense of nothingness and depression to set in. I feel like the computer and tv are burning my brain out. I'm having trouble making plans or decisions, and when the plans change, I freak out. I've been fairly busy since I finished: I've attended and run three WRC meetings, I got a little drunk at a party, Steve visited, I had a bit of a breakdown, I made $275 at a craft show, I had a sleepover downtown, I sat on my porch in the rain for fifteen minutes before I broke into the house only to find that Jess had been here in the shower the whole time, I typed three sets of minutes, and organized another epic WRC meeting for Tuesday. And then Jess and I watched Dogma. I didn't go to the gym though, which is sad for my body. I'm feeling generally pretty gross and have been having dreams about being victim in the second holocaust. It's creepy, and makes sleep... less good. Perhaps I'll blog again soon when feeling less dismal.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

BigJugSexGoat69

My newest pt peeve is people who include "69" in their screen names. Especially on dating websites or places like Hot or Not, etc. Just because the number is linked to a sex act doesn't make it hot to add on to your name. Plus I really think you're promising something you can't deliver. If you do in fact end up hooking up with someone through an internet site, it's not like on your first meeting with SparkleBoobs69 she is going to be like "I don't know you! Let's stick our genitals in each others faces!" I think that the addition of "69" has lost all meaning. It's become the number you add to anything to make it a screen name like "GoingGroceryShopping69". It's not hot, and it's not even really an innuendo anymore, it just makes you seem like a big slutty liar.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Happy 4:20

Good old students in the springtime. There are frisbees and birks flying all over the place right now! The best thing I saw all day yesterday seven students sitting on top of the hill smoking out of a hookah. What a crazy Uni-bubble I live in! I'm now officially done third year, which will probably be excellent when it sinks in.

I'm currently in WRC stress land as we are meeting for hours and hours today. I'm exhausted, and some how in charge of making sure that everything runs smoothly. All I want to do is nap though! And I have a craft show on Saturday, so I'm working on getting some pretty things together. It's going decently at the moment, but I always want to make more.

Ooooohhh being a responsible employer is exhausting!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Essential Exam Time Extravagance

Some highlights from today:

-I started the day with a hot crescent roll breakfast picnic in my bedroom.

- I finished my 15 page paper and sent it in, and it was good.

- I cleaned my room while my roommates played team text twist and listened to Celtic Punk.

- I had a giant fridge picked up and taken to the dump for free, which was shockingly satisfying.

- We giggled on the back porch while eating cheetos and drawing on her belly in orange highlighter (which is shockingly the same colour as a cheeto) with witty remarks like "belly".

- I made dinner listening to the Beatles and having my relationship and hotness insulted by T.J. :o)

- I made Tama be my blanket and she provoked a cat attack on my head.

- Jess smushed Clyde's face and said he looked like Spock, but we thought she said "Bach"

- I started my paper for an hour, and then came downstairs to take a two hour break for Gilmore Girls and CSI (because it was a "to be continued"

- On Gilmore Girls the 22 year old Lane got married which made us all freak out and scream. It also led us to decided that for our bachelorette party we will have one man stripper and one woman stripper dressed in the same type of costume and we will hold a stripper dance off.

Thanks Showcase.

SPYGLASS!

4733 words. Walking away is delicious.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Unrelated Thoughts

So yeah, I actually love the full body contact easter egg hunt. That last post was confusing. My general feeling of crappiness made my love of the egg hunt subdued. I'm having a damn hard time with school right now. It's like 3:15pm and I'm watching Kids in the Hall. That's almost writing a paper about His Dark Materials. I have to read thirty more pages and then write ten. I forgot how heartwrenching the love is. It's making everything more difficult. But it's sooooo good! All I want to do make everyone I know read it so that we can gush! Oh the love. I'll get to the paper at some point, and I will most likely be posting again today.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

I Want to Wretch and Die

another easter, another full-body-contact egg hunt.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

452

My profile has been viewed 452 times. Strange. I've updated it. It's not hilarious or anything, just updated.

...

I can't focus and I can't sleep. My streak of nightmares every night will be two weeks on Thursday. I'm completely incapable of getting shit done right now, but when I turn off the light I just stare. This does not bode well for the amount of work I have to get done and the amount of meetings to attend. Not to mention the amount of weight I need to lose and the amount of times I have to get to the gym in the next few days.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Jedi Mind Tricks

Today Jess demonstrated how she would rescue the ladies of the Box from Nazis by using her Jedi mind trick skills. "These aren't the Jews you're looking for."

Sunday, April 09, 2006

MR. MOUSTACHIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've wasted a good portion of my Sunday. The bathroom upstairs is excellently clean though and by laundry is all put away. That's generally a good thing. The plan tonight is to organize my papers and put a dent in my reading and note taking on The Amber Spyglass. It's not my first essay to write, but it can't hurt to get started. My first paper on The Monk by M.G. Lewis got me really bored today, so I gave up on that for now. I have four more days to write it, which isn't too terrible. Oh exam time. This blog is going to transform into documentation of my projects and procrastinations. It can't be helped.

I appreciate you sitting there in those glasses dirty talking like a large woman

I've had insane dream week. I've woken up every morning this week feeling awful and scared and sad. There have only been two where I've woken up tingling in fear. I generally just feel like I've been hit by a train everytime I wake up. So I'm not sleeping until way too late, and then I'm getting up whenever the dreams hit.

Yesterday I woke up at 9am (after going to bed at 4:30) and Jess and I headed downtown. We went to the market and then I got on a bus to Kitchener to spend the day at my Aunt and Uncle's stained glass studio making fused glass pendants to sell at my next show. Very fancy. I've never done actual glass work before so I felt pretty accomplished at the end of 7 hours when I got to put 30 pieces into the kiln. I'll take some pictures and post them because it's pretty exciting.

My body definitely feels like I've been in a studio though. That sore feet from standing all day and that low back ache from hunching over your work all day. Oh yeah, I missed that. Today I'm trying to be smart and clean the bathroom and start my paper. There's also a radical seder that I was fully intending on attending, but now I'm kind of chickening out. I don't quite know why. I'm also getting suckered in to bad tv, which is really embarassing. I can't really afford a lazy sunday right now, but I'm all alone and I don't want to do anything!

Saturday, April 08, 2006

I AM QUEER.

In case there was ever any confusion, I identify as queer. I am not gay, I am not bisexual, I am not heterosexual, I am queer. I've never really made a big deal out of this with my family because I don't really think that it matters, and I'm pretty sure that most of my friends are aware. I'm queer. I've always been queer without the word to fit it. Back in grade eight when my aunt told me that my mom thought I was a lesbian I kind of decided that I didn't need to make an issue out of it because she seemed to have made her own assumptions already. For those of you who are not aware, queer does not mean gay, or "homosexual" (bleh). Here is my current working definition:

QUEER: A political being who transcends societies implied heteronormative standards and restrictions of gender, sex and relationships.

This means that I am gender-positive, sex positive, and just a little kinky. And I do it all joyously to piss off the man. So really the fact that I'm a queer woman in a relationship with a man isn't all that confusing.

Thank you for your time, and good luck with that.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Mike Newell, You Just Don't Get It!

Jess and I just finished watching Goblet. I haven't seen it since theatres, and this was Jess' first time through and boy are we heated. This movie is like, the angry HP. Everyone is so damn angry and reactionary! Both Dumbledore and Voldemort are supposed to be calm and calculated. Dumbledore is supposed to be serene, comforting, and authoritative which makes him loveable and important. Voldemort is supposed to be calm and intelligent and psychologically cruel. He's not frightening because he yells and is violent, his frightening because he toys with you.

I also had some ponderous moments while watching this a second time in terms of the outcome of the series. I haven't looked these up yet but... I wonder who gets Dumbledore's pensieve and whether that still has a role to play in book seven. Also, in book five when they're talking about how Voldemort's thoughts are accessible for Harry (and vice versa) they say it's because there was a transfer of sorts when Voldermort tried to kill him the first time and people are connecting that to the theory about Harry being a horcrux. But, in book four Voldemort uses Harry's blood to bring himself back to full strength, so Harry's blood is flowing through his veins. Maybe that's why old Voldy starts to be able to conciously wriggle into Harry's thoughts in book five. Plus it then makes sense for him to want to keep Harry alive for a while because they share the blood. The point is, I'm not sure I buy the whole horcrux idea of why they're so connected.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Ska and Eggs

I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in the past two weeks. Maybe it was the fact that I went to bed at 2am instead of 5am. The sunshine is most likely helping too. My wake up was one of the most satisfying kitten love I have received in a long time. There was an abundance of furry snuggling and purring and boy does that make me feel good. I'm going to miss these little friends! Okay... I'm not going to think about that right now.

I had a 9am meeting this morning (man, with all of the times in this post), and I was going to stay on campus, but I was uncomfortable in my shirt, so I bought a giant tea from T-Ho's and came home for some Ska and eggs. My brother made me a cd of some really excellent ska bands. My favourite at the moment being Bandits of the Acoustic Revolution (which I will undoubtably call Bandits of the America Ravioli, or alternately BOTAR!). So I've just finished cooking my eggs while bouncing around to ska. It's 10:30am and I have the whole day ahead of me which is thrilling. My plans include watching a talk show, doing a crossword, skimming an article, hangin' around with some feminists, going to class, having a bereavement party, and snuggling with my roommates. Yes.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

This is the most adorable child I've seen lately!

Zachary Williams

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Once in a Lifetime Numerical Occurence!

Tonight/tomorrow morning at 1:02:03am the time and date will be: O1:02:03 04/05/06. How dya like them apples?

Monday, April 03, 2006

Apathy Creeping In

BAH! I was so excited to write this paper on His Dark Materials... but now that the time for research is upon me, all I want to do is engage in self-destructive behaviours. It's not good. The current level of apathy is rising, which is not good when I have three term papers to write in the upcoming weeks.

On the up-side I'm getting my two dollars back from Travel Cuts and I've started all kinds of shitstorms for Ms. Colleen Weber, the manager of the U.C. Travel Cuts and the person who came up with and implemented the two dollar exploitation charge. I'll take that as a victory.

Teaching White Power

Chris McKhool is a children's performer... and not a great one at that. His songs are patronising and generally don't give kids the credit they deserve. Around the holiday season he started selling his act called "Celebrate! Holidays of the Global Village". Now don't get offended yet, there's more! His entire act is based on appropriating the music styles and beliefs of different cultures. This in itself can alienate children of various backgrounds, but on top of this he (a white man) positions himself as a member of every posible marginalized cultural group. In his song "Let's All Sing for Kwanzaa" he says: "We will celebrate our self-determination/ creativity and faith/ We will work collectively...". CHRIS MCKHOOL! YOU'RE A WHITE MAN! KWANZAA IS NOT ABOUT YOUR SELF-DETERMINATION! He completely trivializes every holiday he sings about and seems completely oblivious of his own white privilege. Instead of encouraging children to educate themselves about the celebrations of other cultures, he is essentially giving white children permission to view all cultural celebrations as white people's property, and is alienating the children from marginalized groups by diminishing their heritage to a catchy tune.

Since I'm on my letter writing kick of the moment, I encourage all of you to check out Chris McKhool's website and click on the CD title "Celebrate! Holidays of the Global Village". You can listen to clips of the songs there and get outraged yourself. Then, if you're feeling activist-y you could send Mr. McKhool an e-mail at chris@fiddlefire.com. This is just too socially irresponsible to let go. Feel free to copy any of this into your e-mail, or contact me and I can send you a copy of what I wrote and you can just sign your name and forward it on. At least comment here and let me know what you think!

Post #401... fancy

I just can't believe that no one commented on thos pictures from Watson. The Eternal arms of Yahweh? I mean... I mean my god! You just can't write that shit!

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Wasting Life!

I drank five cups of coffee today. I also woke up at 3:30pm. And now it's 11:30 and I've had a bit of a caffeine crash and am also refusing to do nothing. Ow.

two clowns masturbating on a ghost

This has been a busy weekend and I feel... not great. Break it down now:

Thursday

I had an intense shout out with the folks at travelcuts when I went to buy my greyhound ticket. The bastards put a two dollar service charge on my ticket because they say they are trying to disourage students from buying their tickets at the last minute on Thursdays and Fridays. So I yelled at the guy who sold me my ticket, his manager, and her boss. I was riled. I still don't know what "service" they provided me that was different from buying a ticket on a Wednesday. So I will let the letter writing campaign begin.

I arrived in Toronto around 5:30 and headed over to Steve's place. He was smooth as eggs as he surprised me with flowers and a juice box. So sweet. We then headed downtown to the Lula Lounge to see my brother and David Hannan perform in The Friendly Rich Show. I had never been to the Lula Lounge before, but it was shmancy and enjoyable. I had an appetizer and two mojitos which was satisfying. I could have written an essay about this show which was also pretty satisfying. The premise is that it's sort of maccabre vaudeville and it works. They have puppets, and orchestra, annimated shorts, and Benwood as a gorilla playing the ukelele. It's very much like the original stage performance of Pee-Wee's Playhouse, so it's right in my field of interest. It's all happening again next month at the Lula Lounge on April 27th, so I'm going to try to get a huge bunch together. It was great.

Friday

Steve and I woke up and went across the street for an all day breakfast. That was fun. And so greasy. Then we wandered down to Dominion to drop off film, before heading back to his place. I foolishly forgot all of this stuff I brought home to give to my family over at his place which is annoying. It almost exploded my head. I guess Friday was the day when my head started to balloon up. I waited around at Steve's house to hear from my family what was going on for dinner as there was talk of a going out-type birthday dinner, but we ended up getting take-out souvlaki dinners and Ben took a nap while we ate them. I left my house for Steve's around 9:45 and that sucked. My head ballooned out bigger. I was in a lot of physical pain the entire subway ride and I'm not sure why. When I arrived there were way more people there than I had really wanted to see. The night ended up in semi-awkward reminiscing about highschool until Steve and I pretended to be sleepy around 2:30am and kicked everyone out. We then had a classy snack of wine, cheese and strawberries while we played tetris. Oh yeah. We didn't end up going to bed until 5:30am, but it was definitley worth it.

Saturday

I woke up crying from a horrible dream. One of those dreams where it makes you sad that that's how your subconscious feels about you. It pretty much set the tone for my day. I was all around sad. I carried my colourful daisies all the way back to Guelph (and now they are happily sitting beside my bed) but everything was gray. So I listened to sad music and felt generally bad. I arrived in Guelph at 4:30, but because of the stupid local bus system couldn't actually get to my house until 6pm. I'm going to stop now, and discuss the Springle later as I am running out of blog steam. Need fuel.