"Let's see if I can play 'Moon River'"

I'm incredibly stressed at the moment about my grad application. It makes me wonder if I actually want to take on the stress of grad school... but it's almost done. So I should just suck it up. Today I work, so tomorrow when I get back to Guelph is final edit day, and then I will do a dance as all my files upload.

My 28 kids are generally lovely. Tuesday night I was really nervous about them, but things are going well. I've been incredibly down in the last week. I feel like I'm pulling out of it a little bit, but I'm struggling.

Steve has been helpful though. He met me when I got in on Tuesday, bought me tea and a mini-Cinnabon, and then joined me in a tired stupor as we tried and failed to go to bed early and ended up trying to remember how to sing "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly...". Steve also learned that he's a musical prodigy playing songs on my shoulder. He CAN play Moon River, but it's hard to recognize with the little bursts of laughter in between.

SNOW DAY!

I'm having a lovely snow day at the moment! I'm watching the Creek, doing laundry, drinking tea, and organizing my work e-mail account. So productive and yet so cozy!

In an hour and a bit I'm heading to work for a meeting, followed by a late bus ride back to t-dot. I'm trying to balance work here with life there. It's funny. I feel like I can't get anything done when I'm there, so I'm trying to be productive here. By next Tuesday I am determined to have all of my grad application documents in. Then I can start taking on my submission for the new WMST journal.

Then I need to get my passport and budget my money so I can run away for awhile. So far Sweden, Scotland, New York, and all of Canada are in the plan.

I miss my Box girls. Snow days are better when we're snuggling on the floor bed.

The Jews Are Okay!

The most hilarious Holocaust related thing just happened! Nomi has to watch Schindler's List for her class, so Dani, Tama, and I are watching it with her. I've never seen it before, so as soon as we put it in I was bracing myself.

Nomi hit play and we jumped right in. I was pretty surprised by how quickly we got to all the list business... but I figured it was more straight forward than I expected. The thing is... we've all seen movies before (and these three people have seen this particular movie before), and the fact that there were no opening credits should have tipped us off that there was something wrong. No no, it took us 51 minutes to realize that we had just watched the last hour of the film. I was holding my breath the whole time waiting for horrible things to happen, but it's a much happier film when you just watch the last hour!

Then it turned out that the side of the dvd with the first half of the film on it was cracked, so Nomi and I had to drive back to the video store and trade it in for the VHS. Now we're watching a much poorer quality, much more depressing version of the film.

We swear we're all really smart. It's the full moon.

You've seen him play in our livingroom, now see him on stage!

Ben Wood's Music Debut (kind of) is coming up this Friday, January 25, 2008 starting at 5pm come see Ben play at "Band on the Run" at El Mocambo!

Ticket's are $10 if you get them from Ben or I before hand and $12 at the door, but Ben's stage time is based on how many ticket's he sells, so try to buy them before hand!

Check out info on the show and a sample of Ben's music at: http://www.supernova.com/benwood

ALSO Ben's first cd "Running for the Wrong Bus" will be out soon! To order your copy contact him at running.for.the.wrong.bus@gmail.com

Concert Line-up: Absolute Zero, Seize The Day, Fightwithbears, Wake The Dead, D.H.E., Vanessa-Natalie Colucci, Sang Freud, Ben Wood, The Ecstacy Kids, Sarah Perron, Random as Mambo, Solid Knockout, Alternative Exit

I want it all (or nothing at all)

Jess just gave me some lovely musical accompaniment to the submitting of my grad application. I still have to finalize my CV, letter of intent, and my writing sample, but now I've paid my money so I'm committed. You know me and getting my money's worth! Oh boy it's stressful times!

Since I'm totally incapable of working on this stuff in Toronto I think I'm going to spend tomorrow trying to figure out which essay I'm submitting and how much work I'll need to do on it.

My heart is palpitating.

Rebember us? SUCK IT!

This has been out for a few weeks, but, as I predicted, only Benwood has listened to it so far, so I'm pushin' number two. (Technically I know Sarah has listened to it because I got complimented on my solstice sentiments, but it's more dramatic to say we've only had one listener). Come on people! I know you've got silence to fill, so why not fill it with 18 minutes of Matt and I hardcore suckin' it? Suck It 2!

"Eggs go in the fridge, right?"

I love Jessica!

I just spent the afternoon with Jess watching the Creek and being emotional. By this point everyone knows that we're soulmates, but every once in awhile I feel the need to publicly praise our love. This functions to flatter her, while at the same time giving me the opportunity to show off our awesomeness. As a leo, I like that.

Jess is the Pacey to my Dawson, the Danny Tripp to my Matt Albee, the Jay to my Silent Bob, the Don to my Floyd, the Lucas to my Mark, the McSteamy to my McDreamy, the Penny Lane to my William Miller, and the Jesus Stick to my Mr. Echo. I don't know why we're so manly, but we do have a deep understanding and appreciation for "brother's that love" (a term we coined while watching Amay-Ray a few years ago).

I am so very thankful for miss Jess. If she moves to Paris again I'll cry... or spend far too much money on flights.

motivate me.

I wish I could tell my subconscious that I can't handle incest dreams. I've had some horrifying dreams in the last few years, but the current trend of incest dreams is too disturbing. I don't wish this on anyone. I can't help but allow my day to be tainted. I'm trying to shake it off, but I'm very disturbed and feeling helpless. This is something I'm doing to myself and I have no control over!

Anyway, today the goal is to finish my master's application. I am nervous about it. I don't have to submit my official CV and statement of intent today, but I do have to submit 250 words about my study interests, as well as my current employment. I'm feeling dazed and tired and unwilling.

I will have some soup and watch Colbert, then I'll get on it.

Babygirl McDeere

I'm so freakin' exhausted. Yesterday was my first day of grown-up work, which went well, but still left me riding the TTC with a pounding headache at the end of the day... oh my. Then I stayed up too late with Ben watching the last four episodes of Studio 60. We watched everything but those episodes over the break, and it's just so damn good. I cry because it got cancelled. Then I cry for the sincere "brother's that love" factor. Get your hands on those dvds if you haven't seen the show at all!

I dragged myself out of bed this morning and then had a lovely afternoon with Steve before bussing back to Guelph. This is my life now! It's going to be fine. I'm just going to have to make sure I sleep enough, and drink enough water. For some reason I didn't learn how to do either of those things throughout my undergrad.

This weekend I intend to finalize my masters application. I probably should have done it last weekend to make sure that all of the financial stuff went through on time... but I didn't. I have a cavalier way about me when I apply to schools. That's just the way I roll. I'm confident it will get done. It also won't be the end of the world if I don't get in, but I'm trying not to think that way.

Oh lord time went a little too quickly in January. It's all happening now!

They Call me Candle Guy

I'm back from my lovely weekend up at camp. I desperately needed that weekend in the woods. It even snowed yesterday morning so we took a winter wonderland walk to the camp hot spots. It makes me very happy to feel like I'm home out there. I'm very glad not to be heading back to work at camp next summer. It's going to be a mess, but there are definitely some things that I'm going to miss.

Last night Julie, Jess and I sat in the kitchen singing songs that were sad and powerful and beautifully harmonized, if I do say so myself. It was good for my soul. I also took a moment last night to walk alone in the dark out to the middle of the field and in the dark quiet cold I did me some moon salutes. It's really satisfying to be able to walk in the dark in a place where you know where you are based on the tree line, and experience that little bit of thrilling fear when realize how completely alone you are.

I hope that one day I can know another space as well as I know that site. Or at least I'd like to feel that level of confidence walking alone at night. Just call me Becca the Bear Fighter.

I also polished off The Subtle Knife this weekend, which is exciting. My reading list is intense at the moment. I also finished the draft of my CV and my statement of intent before I left this weekend. Anyone feel like editing?

No More Essays No More Books

In working on my grad school application I've been going through some old papers and I've come across some favourite titles. I like that I handed these in:

Ejaculation and Alcoholism: A Path Towards Becoming a Man

Feminist Standpoint Theory: Are you Experienced?

The Cultural Taboo of Women and Anal Sex:The Struggle Between Shame and Desire

Jealousy and the Homosexual Villain: Conflicting Resolutions of Dildos and Scissors

Sweet.

Quasar

This has been a bizarre week for sleep so far. Last night I was cosmically restless. The kind of restless that can only really be explained by natural forces. Every time I would start to drift off the wind would pick up and the rain would pound against my window and my whole body would tense up. By 5am I was pretty sure I was just going to stay up all night.

Instead, I slept through my meditation class which left me feeling like I was a big failure. I made my way to campus for lunch/breakfast curry with Tama and Jess and then spent the rest of my day in sleepy social interactions. I'm still in sleepy social interactions as I'm currently watching the L Word with Nomi. I was really close to going home tonight around 8, but I just couldn't face being alone.

I've wanted to cry a lot in the last few weeks, but it never quite comes. Disturbing.

Okay, enough with the emo. I'm hilarious and adorable! Everything's good, everything's nice, intrauterine device! And also, there's nothing wrong with being a little emotional... though I did have an incredibly eyeliner craving today.

Balmy

I couldn't sleep last night, and then I didn't want to get up this morning. The fact that 11am looks like dusk is messing with my mind!

Everyone got up and went to school this morning, and I stood in the sin pit's kitchen staring and trying not to cry. I wasn't sure I was going to make it through the day but generally it went okay. I had a really positive meeting with a prof who's writing me a grad school reference. He gave me lots of excellent advice and is going to look over my CV and my statement of intent for me. Wonderful... but now I have to sit down and write my CV and my statement of intent.

Maybe it's something about being a leo, or maybe it's just a human thing, but I REALLY want to read my references! Maybe it's the years of crippling insecurity, but I just want to hear the wonderful things that people I respect have to say about me. It's so cruel that I have submit them without reading them. Maybe it would boost my confidence that I'm smart enough to get into a masters program if I could read them?

Send me succinct and articulate thoughts tonight to help me with my writing!

Dream Clarification...

My insane amount of sleep last night resulted in my brain working through every single event, thought, and image I was exposed to throughout the break, and it was odd. This has left me feeling strange about everything and generally dizzy and immobilized today.

I'm not feeling well. Things are falling apart for many people around me. Tomorrow the plan is to pull myself together and get a lot of work done. I am not optimistic. In fact I'm kind of sad.

Living Dreams

I'm having a lovely first day of school. I haven't made my business calls, but I sent some business e-mails, and that's okay. I fell asleep last night at 9pm and got up at 11 this morning, which was incredibly necessary. I feel awake and good and very much ready for my day of visiting.

Pre-School Anxiety... without the school

I couldn't sleep last night because I was a big anxiety face getting ready to head back to Guelph today. I wonder how long I'm going to get "back to class" anxiety. Tomorrow is my first "back to school" where I will not be going back to school. Instead I'm going to sleep in, go see my friend play open mic on campus, watch QAF at tj and nomi's, and then go visit Macelod. That's pretty good. Then Tuesday I spend the day at work, earning a more grown up version of the paycheque I was earning before winter break. The next two weeks are an adjustment period, but I think it's going to be okay. I have to make some business calls tomorrow and get myself on track for the wacky amount of free-lancy work that's coming up in the next few months. I should also spend some time figuring our grad school stuff. Oh it's scary, but not impossible.

"The enormousness of the task silenced them. Lyra looked up at the blazing sky. She was aware of how small they were, she and her daemon, in comparison with the majesty and vastness of the universe; and of how little they knew, in comparison with the profound mysteries above them." -Golden Compass