So I Start Singing Along

Apparently I bake when I'm stressed. Mmmmm fattening. Last night I made cupcakes, and tonight I'm making banana bread a-la tederick because of the craving. Today was okay. I got jerked around by the medical community a little bit more, and then sat and stared blankly for like an hour while waiting for class. All very productive.

I'm still debating whether my level of well-being is up to the task of going away this weekend. Today I couldn't get my legs to move fast enough at all. It's wierd when they do that. I had a really good conversation with my favourite prof after class today though which made me feel better. She's amazing.

So tonight I'm spending my time procrastinating through bake-y goodness and stirring up shit in the family business. I may get ex-communicated for this one. Do Jews ex-communicate? I should probably know that. Oh high holy days. They are going to be incredibly dramatic this year. Just what my numb-loving dizzy-makin' heaving body needs. Yeah.

Mocketship

It's almost two in the AM and I can't sleep. Bah. Stupid short stories making my critical mind work. This weekend was very physically intense and so I feel like I don't know what I'm doing with myself now that the week has started. I'm now officially a student with a disability though. Yay me. I get to write my exams in the special room with time and a half if I need it, and I get extensions on deadlines and possible alternate assignments for in class writing. We'll see what happens. I'm kind of reluctant to use this service, but maybe if I try it, it will help.

The dizziness was bad today. The not sleeping doesn't help much I'm sure. I'm kind of worried about going away this coming weekend with all this wierd physical stuff happening. Randomly vomiting would not be so good on an 8 hour drive. I hate that I'm always bailing out of these trips, but I just don't trust my mind or my body right now. I don't know what to do.

My God! Who's Manning the Internet?!?

I slept in until 1:45 this afternoon which really surprised me. Oh the sleepiness. Today was mostly about reading and lying around, but taco salad, lesbians and a star wars kid reference at least made the the evening worthwhile.

Pulse

Well this has been a hell of a weekend so far. Nothing like a visit from the Browns and a female spoken word artist to make you dry heave in a campus washroom. Maybe one day I'll be normal and throw up from drinking and not just because I'm apparently allergic to the combination of my friends and stress.

I'm currently playing the strategy game. I'm coming up with a plan. I'm definitely not good at being the helpless one. I hate being a burden on the people who love me. I don't like knowing that I'm transferring my sadness onto my friends. That sucks. I also hate being the boring friend that can't get over her own shit. So, that's it. I'm not talking about anything unless I'm asked.

On the upside I sliced my thumb on a thread of steel wool by accident tonight and bled all over the kitchen leading me to realize that mutilation is definitely not my thing. Goddamn. The pain and the blood just plain freak me out. Especially since I was alone. I think I need to get into the T-dot so I can love my bald-tummied alien dog a little bit and maybe even get in some Steve lovin'. I'm all about stress-free lovin' right now. NO MORE CRYING!

"but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem"

-ani d

Dancin' Homer

Don't worry. i'm not dying. Things aren't so hot, but I'm generally a master of only breaking for a short period of time. This too shall pass.

Last night I danced along with sleeping Homer a little bit, so I can't be so bad. Man, Matt knows me too well.

Thirteen Year Olds with Condoms

I'm half giving up on reading tonight... meaning that I'll start again around midnight. I tried. Bah. There's something about wanting to throw yourself down the stairs that seems to hinder a engaged reading of "The Art of Fiction". Today was up and down and relatively manic. I went from feeling really low to feeling really crazy as the Box and I screamed Happy Birthday into the phone.

I came downstairs and checked my e-mail and found one from a favourite person from my past. I think I spend a lot of time being really attached and possessive of my friends so it hits me hard when they disappear. I'm pretty good at waiting for them to come back though. I don't know if that's a good thing.

Anyway, now I'm watching a documetary about sexually liberated teens. There's something so wonderful in hearing adults try to explain to other adults the enigma of the Fuck Buddy.

Guardian of an Infinite Abyss

Well I need a good rainy scream and cry off the edge of a quarry. Good thing there's a quarry two minutes away from my house. After a blissful weekend of pretending my partner actually lives in the same city as me, I'm feeling a litte crumpled. Steve left this morning at 6:20am. It's amazing how little control I have over my emotions when I've just woken up. I said a terrible goodbye in the cold rainy dark that left my throat sore and my eyes stinging as I tried to get back to sleep.

Then today was a party of mall and procrastination. I made a lot of necklaces in preparation for my craft show next weekend. I'm pretty excited about being a vendor again. I really need to do some more production this week. Yes, making shit and about a million other things. I can already feel the stress building up in my stomach and I don't know what to do about it. The current plan is to see if I can wash it out with some mint tea.

I love how the depressed inclination to watch movies that make me sad seems to be such a good idea. Nope. It just hurts more. Ah well. There's beauty in the breakdown.

Oh Probsty.

I just don't know. The new Survivor season started up last night, and I gotta say that I'm not so impressed. I tried to be excited. I tried to get pumped up even about Probsty, but it was very difficult. I'm going to keep trying but it was not the highlight of my night. There was some definite goodness in Sexy Massage Mondays (turned Thursdays) while watching the Lword and Cruel Intentions followed by a crappy crappy episode of CSI.

I'm definitely having some dizzy troubles right now. Two nights ago I thought I was fine, and then I ended up falling out of Jess' bedroom. She had to help me out. Last night I had to crawl around a bit until Tama insisted she help me to me bed. This is not so much fun.

Santiago

I walked through clubs days today with Tama and Jess. We stopped at the Guelph Queer Equality booth and this little eight or nine year old boy in a tie dye Sponge Bob shirt and asked us if we were running the booth. We said no, but asked if we could help him with anything. On the table there were little bags with full packs of gum, condoms, and stickers about AIDS awareness. He asked us if they were free. I said they probably were and to go for it. He picked it up and then pointed at the condom and said to Jess "What's that". Macleod turns red and starts giggling. She pleadingly turned to me and said "don't make me anser that!". So I said to the little boy "That's a condom for safer sex." The kid exploded in disgust and through himself down on a bench shouting "Ew!". So I asked him if he wanted me to take the gum out of the bag for him. He said yes and thanked me very much.

It was pretty freakin' hilarious. If this was one of those moments this kid remembers forever as a significant point in his sex ed I hope I dealt with it well enough! I don't lie to kids, so hopefully he could take it.

Where Jesus Flang Me

Today was a day. If nothing else my schedule this semester is condusive to full days. 8am to 2am kind of days. The day kicked off with a guest lecture in my Women's studies course by one of my favourite feminists Karen Wendling. It was exactly what I needed to start off the day. That class propelled me towards breakfast, and then I sat down to read the textbook for my new Creative Writing course, "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott. Holy crap I love this book. Never has a textbook made me cry once let alone three times in one day. This women's intense, descriptive, honest, and fairly neurotic style of writing just gets me all fluttery inside. I read a hundred pages today and I wrote down ideas for six different stories/characters. I'm hoping this is good for me. I want to write and I want to get it out, but I'm pretty blocked by the whole paranoia of sucking factor. I should work on that.

Other thrilling events of the day happened over the lunching hour when the box ladies went to our friend Hezzie's house for lunch. As Jess and I were walking back to campus from downtown a guy leaned out of his window and yelled "NICE BOOBS!", though I was pretty sure he yelled "HEY SCOOGE!"... which doesn't make much sense. Still doesn't top the last time Jess and I got yelled at by some guy that one was a "YEAH BITCHES!". Yeah bitches indeed.

The rest of the afternoon was an adventure in bettering myself. Man that's not easy. Now I'm alone in the box. Everyone else is off visiting their wang-toters so I had soup, read some more, and now I'm watching Vanilla Sky on City. That should be uplifting. Ah well. Life is but a dream I suppose.

"It's like discovering that while you thought you needed the tea ceremony for the caffeine, what you really needed was the tea ceremony. The act of writing turns out to be its own reward. " - Anne Lamott

Awwww Lappy

Well look at me look. I've got my shiny new G4 ibook in the livingroom! Livingroom! I also got a shiny green ipod mini along with the deal. So I'm generally playing the set up game right now.

The kickoff to school was a Tito's extravaganza with... BOOGIE NIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I pretty much just yelled Boogie nights everytime things got dirty. Woot. I was a little restless, and frankly I prefer the glorified porn days of the seventies. I want to be a glorified seventies pornstar.

The classes today were good. I was accepted into the creative writing course which is going to be challenging and hopefully excellent. It kicked off with intro to women studies with a male teacher. Interesting. He seems a little nervous but he at least attempted to discuss the perceived political difficulties of having a male teaching a women's studies course. I then had my first and likely only day at my Philosophy of Language course. It's ten people, and freakishly intense workload and really dense material. I'd like to stay in it but the creative proposition is just too exciting.

Tomorrow I tackle Gender and Sexuality in History, the writing, and Faery Tales. Excellent. I think this term will be great if I can get over being a crazy person.

Pity Phone Calls and Yelling Genitals

Oh the strange idleness of Frosh week. I woke up this morning, made an omelette, did some dishes and went swimming. Excellent. I went to campus this afternoon where I met up with Steve's nephew. It's funny because I was all nervous, kind of like I was being set up to be an Aunt. Wierd. I showed him around the UC a bit and we had a snack. Hopefully he'll come hang out at my house and together we can lure Steve to Guelph more often.

This was followed by a Nomi and Tama Gender workshop. I really wasn't looking forward to participation, but some how the group situation put me back on. The first question they asked to the group was how society assigns gender to individuals and after a substantial silence I just yelled "GENITALS!". Hilarious.

The evening has been one of lockouts, dance-offs and a pity phone call from the Mark Brown. This is going to be interesting.

Emotionally Unstable Much?

I just cried at Alyssa Milano and Tony Danza doing a tap dance. Wow. This is after I cried at Maury Povich making over a ten year old little girl of colour because she had frizzy hair. First this outraged me because of the forcing white beauty standards on a black girl, and then I cried because she was so happy she started dancing with her mom. I guess this is what happens when you get four hours of sleep and start your day by yelling at Bell.

Fly me to the Swoon?

I'm easing my way into Guelph tomorrow through a day of painting and preparation. I'm feeling conflicted about the whole thing. It's just too soon. It's funny how I really felt like I didn't have any preparation to do in Guelph and now I've got a list of tasks to keep me busy. Magical.

Tomorrow I'll be spending the night alone from 7pm to around midnight which could be excellent or fatal depending on the the dizziness/crying factor. I'm aiming for good, but who knows. I'm just all wound up and getting ahead of myself in terms of life and it's becoming a problem. Being in the moment is just harder when the near future seems daunting. Though I did just spend all night and all day in steve's bed. That was pretty momentus.

Also, I was talking to my parents tonight about how when I was a baby I would swoon and pass out when I would get hurt or stressed out. I would just cry so hard I'd pass out. So maybe all of this dizziness is just a swoony relapse. I wonder how you test for swooning.

I find your coffee cruel and unusual

I went to second cup yesterday feeling particularly angry and ill. It was a birthday coffee for my friend Simon so it was a bad combination. They have a new coffee blend this month called "Rwandan Cup of Hope", which I think is a stupid name for a coffee anyway just because it's pretentious and ignores all sorts of Rwandan turmoil. So I asked the coffee agent if it was a fair trade blend. She in turn asks the manager, and he gets all defensive and says "Well we don't have fair trade coffee, but we do sponsor children... and fair trade isn't all it's cracked up to be anyway". I asked him what he meant by that and his reasoning was that some of the money that goes to the Fair Trade label goes towards advertising. So I had a nice little arguement about the fact that they need to advertise so that more people will buy fair trade and the program will improve. I proceeded to hypocritically buy a latte after I told him that I just thought that "Rwandan Cup of Hope" was a cruel name for a coffee that exploited workers who could be killed by a bite from a viper.

Take me to that lower ground.

Wow humans are so bizarre. This whole blog vs. reality business is messing with my head. It's funny to read and wonder what the hell is actually going on, or to know what's actually going on and to wonder how the hell people continue to write as though there's nothing.

Anyway... news on the health front. The neurologist thinks it's only a B12 deficiency, my family doctor still thinks MS. So I'm going to St. Mike's in the next month for the big MS test and consultation. Everyone needs to start sending me non-degenerative vibes. My gut reaction is that there are probably multiple little things wrong with me as opposed to just the big MS. I'm kind of expecting a big shrug from the experts.

My main problem right now is the severe dizzyness. It feels like my middle drops out and then I want to throw up and cry. I can't get my eyes straight and I feel useless and vulnerable. It's embarassing to lower yourself to the lowest ground possible in the middle of a public place.

Anyway, since my B12 shot I'm waiting for that huge perky pick-up I'm supposed to get. It's not quite here yet. I'm not really ready for school, but here it comes. I need a new damned computer.