No human emotion can be sustained indefinitely.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Sculler and Muldy

I'm so very exhausted. I've gotten back into a funny phase of not being able to sleep, and then having ridiculous nightmares when I actually do drift off. It's not a good plan, especially since I have to get up and drag myself downtown every morning. Oh it's getting harder as it gets colder! Today was good though. I got an A+ on my presentation, and now I have one more to go and then three papers... it's do able... it has to be.

So now that I've survived my one academic deadline for this week I can breathe and try to get myself a little bit ahead. Or sleep. Last week was insane because I worked my ass off Monday to Wednesday and then jumped on a bus to Guelph for Thursday and Friday. It was a little much, but it was so worth it! I wandered around the Goo campus in a state of silly bliss and had lunch, coffee, and dinner dates with people before heading over to Sonal and Bex's house where I was assailed with love from their 5 month old puppy. It was also the big Goo craft show weekend, so I got the fun of wandering the show and trying not to spend too much cash. I did okay. It was just so nice to be there and to know that I still have connections and that I'm still welcome. I really needed that.

When back on Friday I headed almost directly to the annual weekend long music night that Steve has been going to since he was little. It was great but, again, I'm tired. Steve and I stayed up until almost 5am on Friday night which was fun, but threw me off my game a little this weekend.

Right now Steve and I are avoiding our readings by drinking tea and watching the Xfiles. It's taking us awhile to get through the first season, but we're enjoying it. I just have to make sure it's not the last thing I watch before sleep because it's clear that my dreams are not just of Duchov-love these days.

I'm currently taking a yin yoga class and I learned this week that it's quite likely my spleen is totally off balance. I gotta work on that.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Unceasingly Present

Today I read 4 articles, did some yin yoga, went grocery shopping, tried to take out the recycling twice and found the recycling room door locked both times, took a bath, ate sushi, did some dishes, and found a new sprout with buds on my orchid. It was a productive day, and I'm not done yet.

I have grand plans for this week that involve a road trip with craft shows, puppies, and the foods I miss so very much from the Goo campus. I would really like this to happen. It just means a lot of focus because there sure is a lot to do. I think I'll be okay though. This time last week I was having a destabilizing anxiety attack, and tonight not so much, so maybe I'll keep it together this week.

I'm back to having my disturbing dreams. They are filled with death, and the dead, deception, comfort, tears, and struggles. They aren't nightmares in the vivid way that I would describe my past nightmares, but they are unsettling and they make me resist sleep. It's such a toss up when bed is so comfy, but dreams are so distressing. I've cried before sleep too often this week.

Despite everything I'm feeling peaceful. And Santa came today, so what's not to like!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Celebrity Jesus

Yesterday I got my first round of papers to mark from my class that I'm TAing and I'm excited. I'm nervous about giving grades, but it's so interesting to read the work of these students that I've gotten to know over the last few weeks. Yesterday we had a lovely tutorial where we talked about sex ed. and I answered the question of why lesbian porn is attractive to men. Yay me! I make them laugh and they seem to enjoy it. Hopefully they still like me after I hand their papers back! It's also pretty amazing to see the range of entirely legitimate reasons people have for handing in their papers late, and the amount of bullshit people give you when they just didn't manage their time properly.

After my classes and meetings yesterday Jess and I went shopping. It was lovely. I bought $80 jeans on sale for $30. That's the way! And Jess bought a very shmancy dress. Then we came home to watch some cable-less tv and then hang around with Steve and his friends. It was a lovely evening! It's so funny that without cable the only channels that come in perfectly clearly are the Christian channel, and the Hollywood gossip channel. Apparently the powers that be feel that celebrity news and the Lord are all one needs for television satisfaction. Very tricky.

I think I may be tied to my books all weekend. I've already cancelled all of my Saturday plans and Sunday may also suffer. Bah.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

drug money

I'm so frustrated with my stupid drug plan! My plan at Guelph covered all of my meds, so I just assumed that my new plan would be similar. However, the cover NONE of my meds. I just did my month refill and it cost $270. That's not gonna work. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I have a $300 spending account with them that I can submit under, but I wanted to use that for massages, and one month of drugs pretty much kills it anyway. It's not good. Because I'm still a student I'm still covered under my mom's plan, but it sucks to not be in control of it all like I was in Guelph. I am so very unimpressed! I hate being addicted to so many drugs!

It's unbelievably gloomy outside today. All I want to do is sleep and watch movies, but I have grand plans of academic productivity. Luckily I have very few plans this weekend, so hopefully some productivity will pan out. A girl can hope anyway.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

tea?

It's just so nice and warm here in my chair with my tea.... DON'T MAKE ME GO OUT THERE! OHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASE! I'm just so tired and so cozy! And Wednesdays are such long days!

Oh well. Tomorrow I don't have to go anywhere. I can just sleep and read. Oh grad school is so silly.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

frotte frotte frotte mon nez

I'm finding myself becoming incredibly anxious about decision making again. It's very silly. For example, at the moment I'm agonizing over whether or not I should commit to four weeks of yin yoga on Sunday afternoons. I want to do the yoga class, but Sunday afternoons are kind of a crappy time, considering that's when I do most of my reading for the week. And also it costs extra, and it's raining out right now so I'd rather stay home and cook and do laundry. Very difficult! The yin yoga class was suggested to me by a naturopath and I feel like it would be good for my body, but I'm all anxious about getting there! I suppose I still have 45 minutes to commit. Damn.

The world is a funny place this weekend. I'm potentially being screwed over by my school drug plan, which is no good. And yesterday I rolled my ankle and fell down audibly hard and hurt my left hip and knee. There were at least six people in the vicinity and not a single one of them made eye contact with me or asked me if I was okay. It took me a second to get myself up and sorted and I could have used a hand, but not a single person reacted. Strange. Maybe they were zombies... but I suppose if they were zombies they would have taken me as wounded brain prey, so maybe not.

This is my only week from now until the break when I have nothing due. Let's see if I'm incredibly productive, or incredibly relaxed. I'm hoping for a balance of both.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

subjects in perplexity

I'm taking a brief break from reading to spend some time on the internet learning about all the deadlines I could apply to myself if I want to try for some publishing and some scholarships. It's my policy to apply for every scholarship possible, but it doesn't exactly make it easy when my department tells me about it for the first time on Nov. 1st and says that they are still accepting applications even though the deadline is Nov. 1st. Damn.

This week has been mercifully fast! I have a paper that I have to finish by Friday, but I'm not anticipating any huge issues with it. I'll just have to do it on Thursday. It's been very hard to focus on reading tonight with the election coverage and whatnot. I've been having nightmares about McCain winning. Hopefully they're not prophetic.

All I want to do is snack.