No human emotion can be sustained indefinitely.

Friday, December 30, 2005

6000 beads later...

I strung up my last bead today. Holy hell that took a long time. It was kind of sad sliding my keys under the door and walking away from the studio, but I'm glad. When it goes up in February I'm taking every one of you to stare up at this installation that I've worked my ass off on since May. Awesome.

I was listening to CBC all day today and I heard the song "What are you doing New Years" and burst out laughing. You see, my dear friend Macelod used to pick up our rat Fatty Von Testiclites and dance with him around the livingroom singing "What is rat doing New Years". Hilarious. So I missed Macelod and giggled at her ridiculousness, and also hoped that our rat (who is now running free in the woods of Silver Lake) is planning to have a good New Years.

I myself take the Matt Brown approach to New Years. I just can't put too much stock in the whole thing. Last year I spent the first ten minutes of 2005 watching two guys pound the hell out of each other on the lawn of a frat house I deemed the place feminism went to die. This year I'm hoping for more quiet gatherings of friends, but it's just a night. I'm going to try to see my traditional New Years friends during the day tomorrow, so there's no pressure for the night. Bah. Breathing through the pressure. At least I can let go of the beads.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

I want my old mind.

Well, those two last posts were horrifying. I'm tired and weird right now. I have been having really hardcore can't breathe kind of anxiety lately. The past two nights have been intensely immobile. I've been getting set off by little/insensitive things and my bounce back time is remarkably slow. Like a rubber ball in a sandbox. Maybe?

Anyway, I've got one more day in the studio on Friday and I need this beading to be over. I'm exhausted and that was the last place I wanted to be today. I'm hoping going to an Art Gallery tomorrow to play with my 18 month old and 3 year old third cousins will be somewhat healing. I can hope anyway.

I'm trying to keep breathing and keep people... well, not afraid of me. Maybe something wonderful will inspire some joyful things to write about in the next few days.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

No. Don't. Stop.

I don't know how this happened. I used to love this shit. Now I feel like I want to die. Or at least throw myself down some festively decked stairs. I know it's my job to fix this, but when I feel it coming on I get all Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka and all I can do is unemphatically say "No. Don't. Stop."

I know someone who's not sleeping tonight.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

sometimes i'm in denial, and i like it

I'm feeling particularly bad. Last night I didn't sleep until way too late just for kicks, I'm getting increasingly dizzy and numb, and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I'm just gross. Mindblowingly gross. I saw a million people yesterday shopping, and then shopped again today. Tomorrow I'm going back to bead reaming for a few hours. I can't really write right now. I don't know why I tried.

Friday, December 16, 2005

You can suck every dick in town and still be a virgin, Mary

Well I'm heading on home today. I baked enough damn cookies to fill five tins and a huge tupperware container. Also fudge, five minute fudge. You should all be holding your breath for who gets cookies this year! I also made some Chanukah candles, three keepas, and worked on a scarf in the last few days. Now the Langs and I are preparing to go home any minute now... once we change out of out pyjamas and shovel the driveway.

So all of you Toronto folk, you keep me out of the basement depression this year. I haven't had a Christmas without the basement depression in three years and I really think it's time to stop that tradition. Also the major health problems. We're rounding a year now on the numbness (my left half went completely numb again two days ago to mark the occaision). I don't want another christmas health scare. Anyway, I may need help. I'm looking forward to seeing all of you!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Snow Dad is better than No Dad!

Jess was so convinced that the the movie Jack Frost was called Snow Dad that we actually fought about it twice! Tonight has been excellend. I love my house. We're now listening to Baz Luhrman's Sunscreen and sitting around in our pure and cleansed house. We've had cookies, POM martinis, and a huge amount of love and healing. We did a smudge ceremony that started off with us burning all the bad things about this past semester to clear the house of all of them. Now we're sitting inches away from eachother sending suggestive and accusatory instant messages. I'm going to miss this over the break.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

mmmmmm

POM martinis are so damn good.

You'll have to excuse me, I'm a little stiff from bowling

Back in Guelph. It's been three days and it feels like its been two weeks. Despite the amount of chaos in the last couple of weeks I really do feel better than I have since July. I've had the occaisional panic attack, but they have been few and far between considering the circumstances. I'm happy to be back at the box right now. I was supposed to write an exam tomorrow but I decided to deffer it for my sanity. I'm going to go in to talk to the prof though to see if I can strike a deal tomorrow where I won't have to write the exam in February. Hopefully he'll go for it. I'm looking forward to the holidays. I'm going to try to take it easy, do some reading, take some time for some writing, and do lots and lots of snuggling. I plan to spend the next two days baking cookies and making candles. So don't be surprised if that's what you get as a gift from me. I also crocheted my first keepa tonight. There will definitely be more to come. It's funny that I'm feeling so together right now, considering that I went to the doctor on Friday and tested as severely depressed on their numerical rating scale. My life is hilarious.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

David Wood 1918-2005

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Electronic Sonic Boom

I just want to wear my dirty hippy clothes and sing and dance is all. Watching Hair instead of riding on the greyhound early was a very necessary idea. I'm just going to drink tea and knit. I'll go back to the real world soon enough. for now I just want some good sitting around while watching tripped out folks trip out Catholic styles. Beads. Flowers. Freedom. Happiness.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Wangs will henceforth be known as the proboscis of the groin

i'm so screwed for this exam. I guess it's okay if I walk out of this class with a C. I haven't had one of those in a while. Lord help me, I can't remember names and dates.

watching the whites of my eyes turn red

I have four hours of school to get through before the holidays, and even though this entire semester has seemed like a challenge the cosmos seem to be putting me through some sort of final test. I'm struggling to balance my two lives and it's not fun. On one side I have Toronto life that is dark and sad and stressful. I don't have a great sense of what's going on there. There's death and family and relationships and I'm trying to figure out how all of them work in my life right now. On the other side there's Goolife where my worries are more superficial in terms of marks and exams but distractions of baking, jumping on the bed, and CSI are far more accessible in the Box. In the middle there is general anxiety, health concerns, body issues, and sleep deprivation. And that just branches out to both sides connecting the whole thing together. Right now I'd rather be hiding in the Box in an exam stress cloud. Of my stress options that one seems the most appealing. But I can't. And even when I come back from this whole thing on Monday, I still have another exam to get through. And then I'm back in Toronto. I'm feeling flattened and spread out between my two lives and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I'm so frustrated that I can't have my Goolife merged into my Toronto life as much as I need to. It's like the camp Pygmalian affect. I didn't learn how to do that from camp, I just transfered my camp self to the goo.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Haiku for Exam Food

Slice the soft green flesh
My kitchen smells of faux cheese
Lime guaco-snack time

Just a wee drap that's all

Yesterday I stood beside my dying grandad and sang him the only song in scotch that I know. I was struck by how hard my heart was pounding, reminding me that I'm still alive as he struggles away. He was only really there for one moment yesterday. My cousin went in with her dad. There were only two visitors at a time, so when he came out I went in. He was small and thin. His skin was dry, his mouth was dry and his tongue was swollen. He couldn't speak. He was just panting and gasping and whimpering. He was entirely in pain. He was just staring at the ceiling trying to stay concious. I came up and stood beside him and asked him how he was doing. He looked me in my eyes and said "mumble mumble hell out" so I said "You're ready to get the hell out of here eh?" and he smiled. That was the only time that he was my grandad all day. I was there from two to nine. The whole experience makes the whole studying thing a lot harder.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

broken

my living room just gave me a panic attack. it's filled with people and studying mind you. big reaction though. lack of breathing. lots of crying. had to call the boyfriend to hold me up over the phone. i'm glad he was there. i have to study, but i can't go down there until they're all gone. i think i'll just go to bed instead.

I don't want to sleep. So I'm reading BAD fanfic

This is the worst thing I've ever read. Oh Saved by the Bell... My favourite part is the 10.5 inch cock.

Author: joey Hits: 1106
It was a typical hot summer day at Bayside High School. Zach Morris and "the gang" were just trying to get through another day. Soon enough the last period of the day came everyone was spilt up in diffrent classes except Zack
and A.C. Slater, they had gym. Today the class was playing Basketball, (little did two of the students know it wasnt the only balls they'd be playing with today.) Zack and Slater were the two team captains, Both Slater and Zack had on very tight shorts and mucle tees that showed off there very ripped tight bodies. Zack was blocking Slater at one point in the game and "accidently" touched slater's ass. For some reason he didint want to let go... he was attracted it was so tight and firm. After class was over and most people had showered and left Zack and Slater were left. Zack felt a little weird and tried not to say anything but soon enough Slater came up to Zack and said "It's okay preppy i've been wanting you for a while now to." Then Slater grabbed Zack's ass and Zack let out a sigh of both relief and pleasure. Slater pointed down and Zack ackowledged this by getting on his knees a started licking SLaters balls which were shaved (cock trimmed) Slater moaned in pleasure
he was already at his hard 11 inches and Zack could tell he was about to cum because his huge cock started throbbing and gagging the back of Zacks throat as he deep-throated him, or at least tried. Slater then layed dwon and took Zacks 10.5 inch cock into his mouth it was completley shaved the boys got into the 69 position and deep-throated each other. SLater screamed, "Oh Preppy ohhh ohhh... and cummed right in Zacks mouth and Zack swallowed every bit of it....

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Banana Phone

I just woke up from a dream where I went to see Corpse Bride at a Silver City (in cinema ten to be exact) and was highly disappointed to find that cinema ten did not have a big screen, it just had two mid-eighties SONY tvs strapped to the ceiling. And even though the movie was just being shown on tv the projection sucked. And the film kept burning and twisting and then reappearing. There was a really scary girl in there who was hired to keep everyone from getting pissed off, but I got up and went to customer services anywhere. There I met up with Matty Price who was working the booth. He told me it was unlikely that I'd get a free pass for this because it was marked in the newspaper listings that cinema ten was the tv cinema. I asked him to show me where and he said "Right here. It says cinema ten, banana. You were warned." So they woudn't give me a free pass and I was escorted out of the theatre and seperated from all my friends who were inside.

Morerotica

Exerpt from "I Swear to God". Both stories will be posted in their completed forms, I just feel like teasing.

Cynthia put on her dark eyeliner and did a light brush of a deep plum eye shadow. The Clara hair cut just didn’t seem to work with the look so she grabbed a straight black wig off of the closet shelf. As she slid a dark burgundy lipstick across her lips the doorbell rang. She slipped on her heels and opened the door to reveal Eric. He was wearing a dark green suit and a navy blue tie. Exactly what she had been craving. He was in his late twenties, about the same age as her. His hair was dark brown and it curled and twisted around his ears, reaching down his forehead towards his eyebrows. His dark brown eyes traced the curve of her body before meeting her glance.
Cynthia strutted silently towards him, grabbed his tie and pulled him into her apartment. She grabbed his briefcase and tossed it violently on the floor before pushing him down onto a red velvet draped chair.
“The rules are as follows: you will speak when you are spoken to, you will do as I say, and if at any point your weak pussy ass can’t take it, the safety word will be wristwatch. Do you understand?”
“Yes.” His voice seemed quiet and shy, but she could tell he was excited.
“Now is the point where you need to tell me if there’s anything that you don’t feel safe or comfortable doing, because for the rest of the night you’re listening to me. So? Speak!”
“I deserve some punishment, just no piercing of the flesh.”
“Fine. Now shut up. I’m going to tie you down and give you what you deserve.” Cynthia straddled Eric on the chair rubbing her body up against his as she yanked off his tie. She held her breasts in front of his face and commanded him not to touch her as she used the tie to blindfold him. She made him stand and remove his clothes telling him when to go quickly and when to go slowly as she ran the edge of her paddle along all of the newly exposed flesh. He followed her every word, his breath quickened at every action with the pleasure of relinquishing control. Once he was fully naked Cynthia pushed him back into the chair. The soft velvet teased every part of his body as she restrained his hands and feet with the straps attached to the top and bottom of the chair. She ripped off his blindfold revealing his pleading eyes. She new he wanted her and she liked it. She began to strike him with her horsetail whip up and down his body. He moaned and struggle against the restraints with every hit.
“Do you want me to stop?”
“Yes!”
“Well I won’t, because you deserve it. You deserve every thing you get”
“I can’t take it. Fuck me!”
“Oh you want me to fuck you?”
“Yes! Please! I can’t take it anymore”
Cynthia untied the restraints. “Then get down on your knees and beg me for it”
As the scene played out Cynthia felt like she was releasing all of the pressures of that day out onto Eric’s body. She felt the power surging through her as she affected this man in such and intense way through her looks, her attitude, and her strength. When he left he thanked her and told her he hoped to see her again. He insisted that it was the best encounter he had ever had. She went to sleep feeling full and satisfied and in control.

Pseudo-Erotica for marks

Here's a snippit of the faery tale I'm handing in tomorrow. It has yet to be edited, but I'm posting it anyway because, why deprive the world of the filthy stories I keep handing in! When I'm done posting this one I'll post a bit from my short story I'm handing in on Friday. Don't judge, just enjoy (Quemple is a faery by the way, and the Prince is a male version of sleeping beauty. Mmmm context):

Quemple slipped out of her cottage and made her way to the Prince’s room. Everything was still. The air smelled of dust and lost bodies. She entered the Prince’s room, pointing to light the candles around his bed. He looked so delicate in the soft light. His masculine features still seemed new, even after his hundred year slumber. His lips were soft and slightly parted. His skin was pale. His hands were not calloused and rough, as he had not been permitted to go work in the woods. Quemple breathed in his beauty as he slept so peacefully. The effects of the last hundred years did not register on Quemple’s body at all. Her eyes showed the wisdom she had gained, but her skin was still smooth, her hair still shiny and flowing and her body still taut and young.
Quemple approached his bedside and gazed at the body before her. She felt the tingle she had known only once before. He did look like his father, but he was not the same man. She did not want him to be the same man. She summoned her powers to her fingertips and drew them along his thighs releasing his dressing gown and exposing his skin. She removed her robes and traced her fingers along the softest part of him. She felt a response in her own body as her magic aroused him to a state of delicious hardness. She climbed onto the bed and placed herself on top of his sleeping body. With one hand she guided him into her and began sliding her body up against his. She sat up and continued the motion. The body of the Prince began to stir. Quemple began to feel the hot sensation of pleasure. She reached down and drew the Prince’s right hand to her lips. She traced her tongue along the edge of his finger and just as she felt her body quiver she sucked his fingertip and released the cursed splinter. The Prince regained consciousness as both of their bodies shook with climax. He was madly in love with this woman at first glance. The Prince said nothing as Quemple lay down beside him on the bed and held him in her arms. He felt safe and beautiful with her. He knew that she was his one true love. They did not need words. Quemple was satisfied that the Prince was hers.

Monday, December 05, 2005

another?

So my grandad's been moved to the hospital. I'm not going to get on a bus to St. Catharines tonight and I feel okay about that. I might go tomorrow afternoon, but I'll have to get that together to decide tomorrow. At this point I don't feel like seeing him in the hospital is going to be helpful for him, for me, or anyone. He won't know who I am and I don't know if I really will feel good about seeing him in the hospital bed all tuby and week. Maybe that's selfish, or maybe that's the taking care of myself that everyone keeps talking about. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. My cousin's seemed to feel like I should come as soon as possible, but I think I might just end up a pile of mess on the floor of the hospital. My dad is going tomorrow, so I suppose I'll wait and see what he thinks. I just don't know if I should be feeling more guilty than I am.

Como estad bitches to all, and to all a good night

Oh I love exam time. It's 2:55am and the entire box is still awake giggling and making emoticon related jokes. Tama just flew up my cunt and now there's a lot of distraught snails happening in the msn world. So sleepy and yet so ridiculous. Exams are hilarious for the lack of actual work and the amount of ridiculousness that explodes out of us. I'm pretty excited about the whole thing. Tama's talking dirty to me over msn right now and she's less then two feet away from me. This is so bizarre. And yet so hilariously logical.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Ya Dunna Ken that, did ya?

I'm in the mood to eat straight garlic. Is that weird? I think I'm going to have to request a roasted garlic appetizer at some point over the holiday season. I'm sure I could figure out how to do it, but not doing the work makes things taste so good. So I'm staring off into space instead of doing work, and I feel pretty okay about it. I'm just sleepy and spacey and I'm going to work my ass off tomorrow. I got a phone call tonight from home telling me that my grandad is not doing too well. He seems to be in his last moments. I haven't seen him since April, so I'm feeling like I should be trying to get there. I don't know. Apparently he's decided not to bother with Canadian English anymore and he's just "Talkin' Scotch". I think that that's awesome. My Grandad has spunk and I appreciate his stubborness.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

i want my old firends/ i want my old face/ i want my old mind/ fuck this time and place

Classes are done. The work is not done. I'm in t-dot right now and feeling generally okay. I'm kind of excited to do a little craft show seein' with my mom today and a bit of work and such. I'm really going to do my best to keep my head together over Christmas. The past two years have been filled with weird and painful illnesses and being trapped in my bed crying. That's not the ideal way to spend the holiday season. So I'm thinking if I come into this season with a great awareness of being in a positive state then maybe it will be easier to keep it together. We'll see. Last night I had dreams about my dog coming back to life. Like literally Jesus style rising from his backyard grave and and climbing into my bed. Then I had to go in and retract my blog and such. Oww my soul.

Generally the last two weeks have been okay. I've been feeling pretty positive in terms of school and life and the holidays but I feel like there's a lot of possibilities for badness looming. I'm ridiculously pumped for cookie baking and general holiday presents though, I just hope things stay jolly because I'm a bit of a sad lady.

Friday, December 02, 2005

The Box: Where you'll experience anal intercourse and worse!

We had ourselves a little latke fest tonight in honour of the Jews that will be forgotten up until boxing day this year. We had a turn out of about 11 people. I made a pile of latkes both good (made from scratch) and semi-crappy (made from a weird mix) and all was well. I mediated a discussion about whether or not Nomi and Jack should get together, and then TJ and I did a massage exchange. I'm offically done all of my classes for first semester of my third year. How in the hell did that happen? Things are fun in the house right now and we're entering the exam study/party time. I'm pretty pleased. Too sleepy and slightly filled with wine for writing. Better writing to follow tomorrow.