what doesn't bend breaks

After some jasmin tea, and crossing off some more mundane tasks like doing dishes and rolling the lasts of my stack of pennies I'm feeling a little more stable. It's shocking how quickly and easily I fall into a mindframe of feeling entirely like I'm not in the right place. I'm taking a course right now which is reminiscent of my fem theory class in terms of the pedagogical style and the feeling in the classroom, and it makes me really happy, but at the same time it makes me really sad that my other classrooms don't feel good.

I just don't know. My profs seem to think I deserve to be here. Fake it til you make it I suppose.

dumb kid

I'm not particularly well at the moment. The next two days are kind of hellish, but instead of tackling my work, right now I'm sitting on my couch watching CTV, since it's the only channel that comes in clearly. That's fine, except for the crap that's on right now. It's just too quiet and too lonely at the moment. I'm failing socially, I'm failing in being helpful, and I'm not feeling good about myself.

I have a paper and a presentation on Wednesday. By tomorrow I have to read 3 articles and get my shit together for the presentation because my group is meeting right after class. I read about ten pages this afternoon and then I fell asleep. I woke up to hail on my balcony, and then slept until 7pm, which really messes up my plans and my brain. I'm not particularly well at the moment. I need Wednesday to be over.

i'm cool, i swear!

Sometimes I just feel like an awkward little kid tagging along so I can have a chance to talk to people. I'm really trying to push myself to be social, but it doesn't feel (and I don't think it seems) effortless at the moment. As it turns out, I have a shockingly positive attitude compared to a lot of people in my program, and it's becoming clear to me that I have a huge mental block up right now in terms of my own abilities.

Swarmin' Mormons

I almost got knocked over this afternoon by about fifty young men in suits and shiny name tags thumping bibles all over Y&E. They were literally knocking each other out of the way to get to the most heathen-looking individuals on the street. I managed to dodge them with my mad skills. I'm sure passerbys were impressed.

On another note, I may have done my whole tutorial today with my fly down, which is a pretty good metaphor for how I feel in all of my classes all the time lately. It went okay, but I was pretty bored by the whole thing. I'm just so exhausted that I don't have the energy to bring all my usual zazz to the classroom, but the main points are getting across. Next week will be more exciting, and Halloween is going to rock some serious candy-ass. Oh yeah. I'm not beyond buying their love. I'm even thinking I'm going to start bringing a kettle and tea bags so that we can all drink tea while we learn.

I miss those five year olds!

whatever makes you happy

It's amazing how "long weekend" translated for me as "you're done school now". Woops. I had a lovely weekend involving two turkey dinners, a puppet show, a benny with Matt, the writing of three letters, and some room cleaning. I also baked, watched 30 Rock, and finished Freaks and Geeks. I wouldn't say it was an unproductive weekend... I just didn't do what I was supposed to be doing. It's about 11pm on Monday night now and I have five articles to read for tomorrow. That's silly. It's to my own detriment when if I don't do the readings, but I may have to play some catch up after class because I'm sleepy!

Tomorrow I have to read one article, write a short paper, and vote. Matt says my blog reads like my depressing diary. I'll try harder to keep it cheerful. I'm falling once in a while, but honestly I'm keeping it together fairly well.

Wrap that turkey in aluminum foil...

I woke up this morning and baked pies. That's a wonderful thing to do! I've never made a pie on my own before! I'm currently baking two pumpkin pies, 6 pumpkin tarts, and something I like to call experimental pumpkin loaf... which is only for true pumpkin lovers. Yum yum yum. Steve laughed when he left me barefoot in the kitchen this morning so he could go off to home depot.

I'm feeling good. I read one article yesterday and did some organizing of my piles of stuff and baking makes me happy.

I hope you're all enjoying turkey/tofurky day!

Divine Malign

It is much nicer to move through the week without overwhelming sickness taking me down. I'm still not feeling wonderful, but I'm getting better. Last night I was incredibly productive... I read three articles, made two lasagnas, watched two episodes of Freaks and Geeks with Steve and Ben and made a very crunchy wheat-free apple crisp. Today has been less productive, but I'm determined to get through my articles for tomorrow. So much reading!

I just have to push through tomorrow and get my lesson plan done so that I can have a solemn and repentant Yom Kippur on Thursday where I will ironically indulge in a hot stone massage followed by some lounging on the couch watching my PVRed episodes of Box Model and Weeds. I think Yahweh is down with that. I haven't been very nice to myself lately, and surely repenting for self-harm is valuable? I think so. I'll let you know if my name makes it into the good book.

chubby funster

I'm not well at the moment, which I think is largely based on a medication mishap wherein I didn't put one of my pills into my happy rainbow pill organizer this week. This is not a good thing, and has fucked me up royally. Nonetheless I have to continue to prepare for my tutorial tomorrow and then actually get up and get to campus to teach. This is no easy feat at the moment.

I'm pretty deflated and hurting at the moment and I'm tired. I'm looking forward to the weekend, but I can't help but feel like there is more to do than I can actually get done. Wow, I almost quoted "The Circle of Life" there. Things can't all be bad! I've decided it's too gloomy to fill prescriptions today, so I'm just going to make some cheesy gooey pasta and try to get to bed early.

I really want to have some kind of house warming before it gets too cold to enjoy the balconies! I'm also thinking of a festive Halloween dinner party or something so that I can have folks over before they move on to partying. We'll see. I may also be buried under a pile of theory by then so I'll either be crying or using it as a Halloween costume.

I think someone should bring me a warm chocolatey beverage.