"If I can't ask I shouldn't be having anal sex"

I'm sick. I'm lay-on-the-floor-coughing-up-phlegm-watching-family-feud kind of sick. Luckily it didn't hit me until post-rama on Sunday.

The casino was... smoky. A slot machine ate ten of my dollars by accident and then I didn't know who to ask for help, so I just gave up. As I was walking back to the boys at the black jack table I got my ass grabbed by a stranger. Then I lost some more money on slots, and before I left I thought I'd play roullette once in the hopes that it would redeem my night, but no. I put twenty on even thinking I had a 50/50 shot. It landed on double zero. What are the freakin' chances. So I basically spent 45$ for an ass grab and a pack of matches. But the concert was good, as was the company, so I rejoice in the hilarity of the double zeros.

My sickness kicked when I got home and so I've been half-assing work, but it doesn't seem to be an issue. The amount of work to do is steadily dwindling. I'm going to post more pictures, because I'm pretty proud of what I've had a part in creating.

In other news... I'm now dating a twenty year old, I'm the boss of a twenty one year old, and I'm still nineteen. I'm hoping for some magic cash to drop into my CAYA lovin' lap. Mmmmmm. Though I suppose I'm still breaking in my last purchase, but I like when the box shops for our boxes.

And Lucky, or my Baby VonChihua is not doin' so hot. He's been having seizure/heart attacks every morning, so I'm trying to get in all the chi-love I can. I plan to go snuggle him now while I lie on the floor.

Stick this in your Head

Morntertaining

So sleepy. So spendy. After four weeks of straight beading, I lost control in a bead store today. I couldn't believe it. I gotta start making some stuff now to ensure that I make some of this money back!

Oh money. It's going to be the theme of the weekend as the boys and I head out to Casino Rama. It'll be interesting. I'm incredibly sleepy right now due to the insane week, so perhaps I'll be more entertaining in the morning. Yes. Morntertaining.

Well... the pounding at Eglinton Station certainly helped.

Chihua is still kicking and that makes me happy. I was sure after watching him collapse last night that that was it. Man am I fragile lately.

So today was better. Tama and I bought 2$ chillattes and began the silliness of today. We basically ate breakfast for 20 minutes, then worked for half an hour and before we decided we needed to make some phone calls. We started with Mark Brown who was surprisingly home, and excited to visit us. So he came down to see what we've been working on and then followed me to Eglinton station where we pounded each other very publicly. Satisfying.

Then tonight, for the first time in about three years I had a babysitting job. I love the little kid I was babysitting. He's awesome. His ten year old sister is a bit of a pain, but she had homework to do. Three year olds are fun because they are still impressed with my athletic skills. We played soccer and lacrosse in his backyard and I had fun. It was nice that this tiny little person was so excited to see me.

So grasping onto that feeling I'm heading into tomorrow. I think that the blue skies are helping. I just have to break this little writing barrier of mine and maybe I'll be okay.

can't find that place in the middle

I'm in one of those places where I really want to talk to someone, but I know that if I call I'll just be keeping someone up, or bringing someone down. And it's not fun. I find when I get like this I can't focus. I don't want to sleep, and I know I shouldn't stay awake. I'm all shaken up. I've made myself some mint tea in the hopes that it will warm me up and calm me down. I wrote two pages and then had to stop. I checked all the e-mails and all the blogs, and still I'm restless.

I need to fast forward to tomorrow morning. I need to drink tea on my porch under a blanket of grey clouds. I need that thirty seconds of being held before I plunge into the world of tacit social understanding that is the TTC. I feel like I'm floating out of my body and I just need ot be held down.

I just want to talk to someone.

Yeah, I reamed these beads.

Here's a little taste of the beaded tapestry that I'm currently working on. These are from week one and I'm heading into week four right now, so I'll try to digitize some more of the project. It's going really quickly, and I think it's looking pretty good. It's all hand made glass beads on tiger wire. I think it's pretty.

"I'm sorry, but your rack does not indicate your age."

I had a thrilling night tonight. After the ridiculous amounts of toxins that my body has imbibed since Thursday night, I guess I needed the time off to do such thrilling things as rolling up the change in my change jar. Fifty six dollars ain't so bad.

It's been a good long weekend so far. Lots of quality time with my Steve, and hopefully some more tomorrow. I have some cleaning to do and some writing to do, and some laundry to do... but I just want to lay down and play tetris.

I feel like I've been dizzyingly busy, though that's not entirely true. I went to a Bat Mitzvah last night. It was frustrating because the servers didn't believe I was an adult and thus refused to serve me the adult meal I RSVPed for. I had to eat crappy kid noodles with ketchup like tomato sauce, they wouldn't give me my adult dessert, and I had to ask four people before someone would let me have a cup of tea. I haven't been so frustrated in a long while. It was just one of those things where I wasn't going to bother the family of the bat mitzvah, and none of the staff would listen to me, so I was entirely helpless to their ageism. BAH!

The entire evening did however yield me a pair of comfy flannel pants with "BEX" written on the ass though. So at least I'm comfortable and bitter.

I'm trying to sing just enough so that the air around me moves

I spent today alone in the studio and it was really nice. I was feeling off this morning. I made my way downtown incredibly slowly, stopped and bought an expensive but beautiful latte, and started working. I just stayed in my head all day listening to the Beatles and Joni, and some excellent cds that my Steve left for me. This project is nice because once I get into the flow of things I can just sit and think. There are so many things that I want to get out of my head! So many projects of my own!

It's really nice to be in this artists space, and to be treated like I am capable of creating. There are so many different processes going on, it always surprises me when someone acknowledges what I'm doing, or encourages me to try something new. I often find myself getting scared of new art. I don't know why. I suppose I'm just intimidated because I'm usually experimenting around people who have already found their "voice", so to speak, in terms of their art. Maybe that's my goal of the summer. To become more comfortable with my own silence.

Oh Probsty...

This was an excellent season of survivor. This season's castaways and Probsty's brilliance kept me in with Survivor 10 and I have no regrets. My only real issue was with Probsty tonight. One of my favourite things about Survivor finales is the innovative and at times ridiculous modes of transportation Probsty uses to get from the remote location to the live show in New York. It's Probsty's time to shine!

Last season I decided to predict Probsty's passage instead of my pick for the winner. So tonight I did the same... Hydro plane, hang glider, hitch hike on a big rig, and then a quick moped ride to the studio. BUT NO! There was nothing! He walked away from tribal council and into the studio. Disapointment. There was no comedic flare! I was extremely dissatisfied. I think a little part of my Probsty love was betrayed tonight. Perhaps Survivor Guatemala will reclaim some of what he's lost.

They used to push me into lockers...

I am obsessed with high school gossip right now. Last night I saw two friends I haven't seen in about a year now and it was ridiculously fun. Just the kind of people that I was glad I had connected with in grade twelve and that I'm going to try to stay connected with over the summer.

Everytime I see people I just want to be caught up on everyone that I haven't seen in two years. So far there's been one marriage, two babies, and two engagements. Is this the rest of my life? Just being shocked and excited by highschool gossip? Why do I care so much?

Yesterday was an excellently highschool-y day as I went back to visit some teachers and a number of them asked me out for coffee, which was really nice. Just nice to be treated as an equal. God that place was so awful until the very last minute and then I pulled it together. Mr. Vicentini told me that my project I did on Buddhism in his class had the most creative class activity, and that it still hasn't been surpased. I moved all the desks aside and led the whole class in a guided meditation. He was very impressed. I was pretty proud that he remembered.

In Vitro Here We Come!

This whole working business is insane. As soon as I figure out how to do it, I'll post some pictures of the project I'm working on, because it's pretty spectacular. I've been leaving my house at 7:30am though and getting home after six, so I'm sleepy.

This week was insanely more social than last. Tama came to work with me and it all went very well. We had ourselves a three day Ani-a-thon where we listened to her entire works... Only we had to stop with one song left because we were in a rush to meet people. So upsetting. Oh well, we were closed.

So despite the sleepiness I managed a Tuesday night sleepover with Steve to watch Amay-Ray, then a Box reunion sleepover on Wednesday night to watch Gilmore Girls and America's Next Box Model, then a gathering on the island last night which was cold and good, and tonight I'm off to another Statuatory Jape improv show tonight.

Bah. Social.

So all is going generally well. I'm reworking my bedroom a little and I'm trying to write more. Hopefully that will all come together this weekend. Next weekend I'll be alone in the studio again, so if anyone wants to come visit me and go out for lunch just let me know. I'm a barrel of laughs.

It's a meeting for gay witches and abortions

I lost track of time again, so that means very little blog after a long amount of time. This weekend was excellent and very coupl-ey involving dinner with my Steve, the final sleep in my floor bed, garage sale-ing, May Fair-ing, board game-ing and sleeping in. It was really nice to have a quiet weekend together.

Today when he dropped me off at home I got to doing things that I have been putting off since Christmas. I got some writing done, I started my scholarship application, and I began the bedroom make-over. Yes, it's time to get rid of clothes and clutter I've had since grade five. That appears to have been an exceptionally long time ago and I think I should maybe try to look different then my twelve year old self. I should see if I can post a picture, because I haven't changed much since grade six. Clearly, I was the coolest grade six ever. And my rack was only second best to my best friend Leila's. Oh well, now I'm number one!

Tomorrow I go back to work. I'm going to have to start journalling on a type writer because my hands are going to be severely damaged from this job! I have to go try to read this book for the mother-daughter Jewish book club meeting I'm going to tomorrow evening. That should be a trip. My mom is really excited though, so we'll see how it goes. The book is kind of a fluffy harlequin-esque sex and the city with Jews. I'll let you know how it all goes.

Bowl and Bail

I've logged on to blogger about seventeen times since last night and I got to the "create" page and just didn't know what to say. This week has been bizarre and difficult. The new job is good because I love working in a studio. I have the day off today, and tomorrow I'm going back in. Tama will be there tomorrow too. It will be good to hangout. But at this stage in the process of this installation, there's barely enough work for me to do, let alone for the two of us. Lunch breaks will be more fun though.

Last night after work I met up with two of my friends from high school that I haven't seen in over a year now. It was surprisingly not awkward. They told me I was the same, but that I'm clearly not high school Rebecca. That was strange. I told them that I don't think I've changed that much, except that now I'm thinking about different things, and I'm far more publicly innapropriate.

The prospect of me changing drastically has always horrified me. So far it's always been a slow change. I haven't lost to many friends that can blame the end of our relationships on me changing. I know that I'm different than I was at fifteen, but the thought of me being different by the time I'm twenty five still scares me. I can remember Matt almost making me cry over a conversation like this. Stupid pragmatic Matt. It's just scary.

So yes, point being it was a lot more fun than I had anticipated. I miss my Leaside friends and I'm working really hard to reconnect this summer, as opposed to last summer where I saw no one and spoke to no one.

Today I'm just sitting around returning e-mails and filling out scholarship applications. I accidentally slept until 12:37pm, so most of my alone time business won't get done. Mmmmm business.

Bead Reamer

This was not a good day. It was long and it was difficult. I think that five hours alone in a relatively quiet studio is too much. I had myself a little panic at the end of the day. I'm not in the mood to write much at the moment. I just realized that it hasn't even been a week since I moved home. I feel like I have done about a thousand things and dealt with about a thousand issues already. Holy intensity.

Thirty Pages Left of Dark Materials and I'm Freaking OUT!!!!!

Today was the first day of beading. I think it's going to be okay. I have keys! I've never had keys for a job before! It's all very exciting. It sounds like for the next few days I'll be mostly alone in the studio, which suits me pretty well. The tapestry is huge, and somewhat dizzying. It's eight feet by twelve feet all beaded. The beads are all laid out in rows and it sort of made my eyes boggle. My hands and back are definitely going to suffer in this studio, but it seems flexible enough that I can take breaks and stretch. Oh man.

I'm so sleepy right now. I had the luxury of a 10am start today, but tomorrow I have to be there by 8:30am. I'm so glad I didn't have to commute for school! Reading this morning made me ridiculously happy though! I went and bought my metropass, and now I'm going to be using the hell out of it. You just let me know and I'll come visit!

Matt is not a full decade older than me.

I'm not entirely in the mood for blogging right now, so I'll be brief. I imagine I'll have something to say after the animated brilliance that is to come. It's been a few days. There has been an abundance of Matt, which I kind of needed in life lately. I saw Evita, which was so random. I went out and drank a variety of martinis with friends, went to my mom's fiftieth birthday party, and then fiesta'ed it up at 3QF.

Today my forehead is vibrating. The combination of drinking and snacking and not sleeping for a semester is attacking my insides. It was great to be back in 3QF again and far more comfortable that ever before.