wi-fi makes things less painful

I'm sitting at the walk-in at the moment trying to cultivate a full bladder by my will-power alone. I have amazing skills. I think. The little walk-in corner had no seats left so I'm sitting in the main area very close to the fish tank thinking that might help me pee.

A mom just told her daughter to stop crying because "Santa's watching". That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard.

That's just my quick update. I have nothing really thrilling or new to say, I just thought the world might be interested in the goings on at Health Services.

ow.

I am still not feeling well. I think I'm going to go to the walk-in today, not that they'll actually be able to help at all, but maybe I like that? I'm exhausted and in pain. It's not enjoyable. I wish i had no responsibility today. Dysfunctional.

what kind of paradise am I looking for?

I was expecting to be out of the fetal position today, and I'm not. I'm sitting in the gloom of the gray outside listening to Reckoning, which is not good. I'm a little shut down and disgusting at the moment and I have to say, I definitely do not want to do anything of value. I just want to lie down and feel crappy.

My goal for this afternoon was to start thinking carefully about what I want to write about for my final paper for feminist theory and methods, which I'm actually relating directly to what I'm applying to do in graduate school. Rapidly approaching deadlines do not help with my stomach recovery.

I'm ripping the skin off of my lips and scratching my arms until I bleed. This isn't supposed to be happening.

Food broke me bodily.

Now that I'm in the recovery position from the food poisoning I'm a little more coherent and a little more excited to write about how well Show and Sell went! I made about $200 and everyone was happy! The vendors all made money, there was a lot of people traffic, and I got a lot of positive feedback about having students showing their stuff in the student space. Excellent!

I think I might have had a fever last night, or my level of dehydration was so intense that I don't really remember clearly through the memory of my aching brain. I did a lot of crying, both rational and irrational, which makes it clear that I wasn't all together. No good. I had many grand plans for last night, which were all horrendously destroyed, to my great disappointment. Instead of all of my fabulous social plans I napped and then stayed up to watch SNL Family Thanksgiving Leftovers all by myself, which was extremely satisfying. I kind of wished I had taped it, it was that good. That's right, I said tape. I am analog.

Sonal and I are taking a sick day today. We're on our third episode of the Creek, I taught her how to knit, and we're drinking a lot of fluids. I'm definitely still in recovery mode, so I'm hoping that by this evening my brain will feel clear enough to do some serious work and maybe a little bit of writing. If I am able to move my body at any point today I might even do some cleaning so that the process of paper writing and gift making doesn't have to be done in the midst of overwhelming piles of paper.

Feeling better is good. Bodies are so shocking sometimes.

Ow my tum tum

I'm achy and a mess and I am not where I was meant to be tonight. I was SOOOOOO looking forward to my Saturday night, and nothing went well. I got some very intense food poisoning from Buy Nothing Day which left me throwing up all night last night, and which made my craft show today a huge struggle. I did a lot of crying this afternoon because I just feel like my body failed me. My roommate has mono at the moment and I'm concerned that with my weakened immune system it might attack me. That would be bad. I don't want mono. I'm going to try to get some sleep tonight. My stomach is still very upset and I'm very sad. I don't know what to do with myself.

"The subtext here is that it's all just monkey business"

I really think that the funniest thing on television right now is making fun of fundamentalist pro-lifers. When it's done well, that's just the best thing there is, especially when it's on television before 11pm. In the last two weeks Weeds has done it, and so has The Sarah Silverman Program. Satire using the images that pro-lifers use to fuel their arguments is just making me laugh outloud these days. Silverman went so far as to do a montage to Green Day's "Time of your Life" about the three abortions she has had and her relationship with her abortion clinic. It was awesome.

The world is a ridiculous place. Subverting dominant voices makes me giddy.

Show and Sell. I think my puns are clever.

Do you ever pour yourself a glass of wine and sit down to dinner and then ten minutes later realize you're drinking chocolate milk? It's quite impressive.

Tomorrow is my big old craft show fundraiser. Everything is pretty much together as far as I can tell. There's a few more things I need to do to prepare tonight, including packing all of my own stuff up. I'm feeling good about my display and what I'm selling, so hopefully it will all go well.

I spent today preparing. I made two necklaces and two picture frames while watching two episodes of Grey's followed by three episodes of the first season of Dawson's Creek. Oh my. That, combined with the weather made everything I did today feel very dramatic! It was nice to feel like I was creating beautiful things on such a miserable day.

Despite the good points of today, there is something very physically wrong with me. I'm incredibly weak at the moment. Out of stress and foolishness I made two lasagnas tonight, and as I was cutting vegetables, grating cheese and putting it all together I was shaking. I had a really hard time laying down the noodles properly because I couldn't steady my hand. Typing is actually a bit of a struggle at the moment. This concerns me.

At the moment my plan is to lie down for half an hour and hope I get a second wind so that I can make the table chart for tomorrow and pack up my stuff. If I don't get a second wind I guess I'll just get up really early tomorrow so that I can be ready to get myself to school for 8am. If anyone has a brilliant cure for the shakes now the time to send it on over.

I Feel it All

I'm skipping class at the moment and taking a little bit of time to slack off before the meeting starting in 10 minutes. I got a little buzz today when I realized I was getting paid for my time in here. So satisfying! Especially since as of Sunday morning I have exactly $1.05 in my bank account. That's just no good. It's actually quite frightening. Everyone is getting massages and personalized limmericks for Chanukah and Christmas. Sorry to ruin the surprise!

Everything is coming together fairly nicely for my craft show on Thursday which is very good. I'm hoping it's going to be a lovely day involving lots of money making. It gives me a good excuse to make pretty things over the next few days and who am I to argue with that?

I knew more than I knew before.

feelin' groovy

I'm feeling good about my last two weeks of school. I have one more book to read, one more play to read, and two more chapters to read. Good stuff. This week I got my grad photos back, wrote my last midterm of university, and got hired again as a fundraising and events coordinator. Things are feeling good and like they are moving forward.

Next week is my big craft show that I've organized at school, so if you happen to be in Guelph you should swing by the UC on Thursday. I'm going to head back to Guelph late tomorrow to begin a very crafty week preparing for my Thursday and Saturday shows. Saturday is going to be insanely busy as I'll be craft-showing all day, and then attending two parties, because I'm awesome and everyone wants to hang out with me!

I'm starting to feel festive people! It's only a matter of time before I kick off my season with the South Park Xmas cd, which is my true mark of festive times a-brewin'. The Langs have the tree that we used to put up at the Box, so I have nowhere to hang my decorations, but I'm feeling some trimming coming on. The holidays have to come sooner in University because we only have two weeks left (plus exams). We get festive faster with our school families, then go back home an get festive with home families. I'm looking forward to it. I am already practicing MASSIVE restraint in present buying. Oh boy.

lilac fresh?

I've never really known air freshener people. I mean, my grandfather was an air freshener person, but I always attributed that to an age thing. Plus, as a child I really liked to spray the air freshener up in the air and watch the little droplets float down. It's very strange living with people who are so terrified of the smell of their own shit that they spray so much air freshener that I can smell it from down in the livingroom.

Presentation SMACKDOWN!

Today I did my last presentation of University and man was it satisfying! I was in a group of three, one guy that I like, the other that I call Sperdouche (a play on his last name), because he's an idiot. The presentation was on Langston Hughes' "The Ways of White Folks" and we had an arguement with this guy yesterday because he was adamant that a story about a white man with a black house boy didn't deal with racism at all. Dumbass. He wanted us to take the word "racism" out of our thesis and gloss it over with "race relations". I was angry. He is also the kind of guy who doesn't seem to respect women (or maybe he just doesn't respect me). All through the meeting yesterday he addressed himself to the other man in our group and pretty much ignored me. The other guy noticed it too, so I know I'm not just overreacting because I don't like him.

So anyway, it came up in class today and he outed himself and said that he didn't think it dealt with racism at all and then I became relentless. The prof and the class tore him down! He actually made the claim that the white man calling his servant "boy" had nothing to do with racism and disagreed that it was an echo of slavery. It was amazing. Sperdouche! I left the presentation feeling all fluttery and satisfied, not only because of the Sperdouche SMACKDOWN, also because my part went really well. I got a lot of laughs and got my relatively silent class to engage in some good discussion. Oh yeah.

After that class I ran down to meet Jess for ShakeyRep. I got my first midterm back in that class and I got a 93%! I'm not sure that I've ever got a 90 in University. Not one worth 30% of my grade anyway. I'm spending the rest of tonight and all day tomorrow studying for my second midterm in that class. I'm certainly hoping I can keep my marks high because it would be incredibly satisfying to break my 88% record in my last semester.

Right now I'm having a midnight snack and some mint tea and I'm going to read some Twelfth Night before sleeping. Today was just the perfect combination of sunshine, warmth, laughing baby videos, social time, class discussion, and the satisfaction of feeling like I completed something well. I was freaking out about the meds last week, but I just can't get over how nice it actually is to have that sense of relief and accomplishment after completing a task and not just knowing it should be there. This hasn't happened so consistently since the fall semester of 2002.

You're My Penis Fish

My tummy is so unhappy. Stress maybe? I don't know. This week is already laying the smackdown on me, and it's only Sunday night. I have many things to do, and am concerned that I don't actually have the energy to do them. It's a dangerous time.

I spent today with my Jess being a parental buffer-zone and television companion, and then we headed over to TJ's to have a little first year flashback by watching the first season of QAF. So satisfying. We spent hours crammed on to TJ's little bed in rez watching QAF and snacking. I brought my corking with me today because the gigantic (and awesome) blanket that I made Steve for our first anniversary was mostly made while watching QAF, so I feel like I have to make something while I watch it. It is just so satisfying! I think I have too many tv on dvd series happening right now. It's very time consuming... and very enjoyable.

When I'm a little less sleepy I'll take some time to write out the movie-dream I had last night. It was devastating and a little painful. I woke up and had to make sure that the warm blood I felt dripping down my side wasn't actually there. My brain is quite impressive.

Gurgle Monster

My stomach is being ridiculous at the moment. Every once in a while my stomach gets debilitatingly upset, which makes me question my ability to travel to random places. A strange thought train to jump on? Maybe. Seems like a logical concern to me. Like when I did that three day fast and could barely stand up and I realized that I would have really struggle in concentration camps. That's just where the mind needs to go sometimes.

I read my 300 page book over the last few days, which is very productive. I also started, and made lots of progress on, a new craft project which is good. Jess and I ended up watching 4+ hours of a Real World marathon today which was silly. We were going to record a FeSI, but then getting up off the couch was very difficult. So instead we ate salsa, baked banana bread, and then ate said B-bread. You all wish you were eating my b-bread! It's quite good. I usually only bake it when someone dies, so it's nice to have a b-bread that isn't grief-ridden. Mmmm grief baking.

I've been procrastinating writing Sex with Bex lately. I've just been so very sleepy and sick feeling, which makes me question my ability to be clever. People are wanting me to be sassier, but where I'm being published is really concerned with me being totally respectful and non-judgemental with my answers because we're dealing with the sensitive issue of sex. Have you ever tried to be totally sensitive and sassy at the same time? It's hard!

Okay, I'm going to try to do some pre-bedtime sex writing. Then sleep away the tummy pain?

Out of control and Into Steve's car

I went back to my crazy ways over the last few days. Perhaps time change and the snow and the intense darkness was too much for the pills to manage, or maybe the placebo affect has worn off and they don't actually work. I'm not sure. There was a lot of crying and shaking and hysteria last night. That's right, my uterus went nuts, detached, and started running like hell all over my body.

I had a moment of insanity last night were I convinced myself that because dinosaurs were so big, you must be able to see their individual sperm with your naked eye. This is, of course, ridiculous because cells are the same size no matter how big the creature... but it seemed so rational at the time! In the process of the discussion I learned that blue whales are bigger than dinosaurs, and when they ejaculate they release 400 gallons of semen, and only about 250 end up in their partner. Wacky. That is a whole lot of semen.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little more clear after my yoga-meets-dance class. We did a seven part yoga/dance flow to align our chakras. Maybe I should be getting up early enough to do that every morning. That might help a lot. Unfortunately I LOVE my bed, and I'm just very tired. I haven't slept well in over a week. I've been having dreams that disturb me long after I wake up. They are disturbing to the point that I haven't been able to tell anyone about them because of their content. I feel like people would look at me differently if they knew what my subconscious was tormenting me with when I close my eyes. It shocks me, and then I feel unsettled all day.

I'm hoping to get a big chunk of reading done tomorrow so that I can spend sometime writing this weekend. Writing and preparing for the whirlwind of the next couple of weeks... maybe months.

Moving at the Speed of Sound

Last night I Steve and I went to ani's concert and it was lovely. Two faux-nephs, tama, nomi, max, and heather all attended as well. It was beautiful. I love that woman. I cried through Swandive and after that I was just entirely overwhelmed. I'm still feeling a little broken today, which is not good. I didn't move much today, but hopefully the rest will make tomorrow work well. Hard to say.

I'm realizing that I don't have any cool pants. Maybe when I get a job I'll get some pants.

That's really not where I thought this post was going to go. I apparently don't have the energy to truly convey how much I needed to see ani last night. It was necessary and satisfyingly comped.

Smooshy Love

Lately I feel like I have a lot to say, but I haven't had the energy to lift my fingers to type. Not to mention the fact that I haven't been able to think clearly at all over the past few days.

This has been a whirlwind of a weekend. I spent most of yesterday and today feeling like I couldn't move... and thus not moving. I did do a lot of visiting though! Ben and Andie came to see me on Friday, Steve and his nephew came over for dinner on Saturday (Steve stayed until this morning), and I spent the day with Langs and co. watching Buffy con queso. It was delicious and cozy.

In important news, Steve and I had our five year anniversary this Thursday. Five years and I still cry when he leaves after a visit. I take this as a very good sign. I usually make fun of people in five year relationships, and high school sweet hearts... maybe that's why it's still working? So illogical for me? Our relationship has had to shift and adapt so much over the last five years, but we somehow manage to find new ways to see each other and exist together in every circumstances that we've encountered. There's a big change coming up, and for the first time in a long time I'm not worried at all. I don't gush about us often, but I just needed to take a moment to acknowledge the fact that I love my Steve and can't think of anything I like more than snuggling up in his arms.

Okay, gushing done.

Needing the granny bars.

Oh boy. I've been so dizzy this week! I missed two classes yesterday because I couldn't see straight, which is just not good. I was so dizzy when I woke up this morning that I fell in the bathtub. That's not good. I shoud at least have spent the night before drinking too much if I'm going to wake up with the spins.

Anyway, I have exciting visitors tonight and fun events to go to tomorrow, so hopefully the badness will pass and I'll feel great.

At least January is starting to come together.