I've pre-cum a long way baby!

I was thinking tonight about the Box, and about first year and how I got to where I am today. So I busted out the old digital Watson yearbook and I just have to post the page submitted by A.T., A.C. and me. I don't know how I got through that year. But this is hilarious! I mean... I couldn't have summed up my year with these people better if I tried!




Especially when you compare it with where I spent most of my time that year in the juice-bottle-y mess of 304.

Ossidious Emphatic

So my old friend Lupus is back on the table. It's not as enthusiastic as it once seemed to be, but it's looking like Lupus and MS are battling at the moment for claim of my body. I'm hoping they'll fight to the death and there will be some freak accident where they both start swinging their medieval maces they will be running at each other and in the intensity of the moment end up striking each other in the temple at the exact same moment and falling down into a bleeding brainy pile of disease... meaning I won't have either. I will sell tickets and popcorn to this event. Mark April 26 in your calendars.

I went in this morning for a Rhuematologist appointment at this medical centre in Guelph that I had never heard of. It turns out it was a longterm senior's care facility that was literally in the middle of nowhere. It was a huge shiny building with a field around it and a couple of bungalows across the street. I got out of the cab and felt like I was stepping into some bizarre short story (that I have yet to write) where I was going to go in and never come out. I wasn't quite emotionally prepared for spending my morning in the public area of a nursing home, but I think I did okay. Besides the Lupus and whatnot. They actually don't think that it's very likely but it's certainly still a possibility. I just have to wait for the all-knowing MRI.

Just because I forgot to mention it...

I have given up not masturbating for lent. I think Jesus would appreciate it.

Deep Thoughts

Why is it that only celebrities can canoodle?

Puuuuuuhhhh? Diiiiiiiiiiiiiinnng?

As per my earlier promise not to blog about feeling like shit... I won't. I'm pretty frustrated with the world at the moment and my lack of ability to fix it. Hopefully I'll be able to put my cape back on soon, but right now I have to use it as a blanky.

B-Back-Mo

Jess and I just went to see Broke Back Mountain with the worst audience. This audience embodied everything that's wrong the way this film has been received. They laughed at terrible parts and talked through it and just generally were assholes which is a real problem in a film that's so much about the silences and gaps.

I think I was just expecting this earth shattering film that would be beautifully executed and I wasn't entirely satisfied. I'm angry at the audience, and the film, and myself. I didn't cry. And I really wanted to. Yeah, I can't write about this right now.

Friday Night

My new thrash metal band will be called "Adam Burns and the Original Dirt Sluts"

New Words...

Ambisextrous: particularly applicable to women penetrating vaginas, this new term refers to the comfort and ability to stimulate and provide pleasure equally as well with both the left and the right hand.

For example: I can tell my roommate is ambisextrous by the smell of her fingers and the cries of pleasure from the basement.

and you know it's all around you /but it's hard to point and say "there"

I've stumbled back into the world of ani's Reckoning. But I wore my Evolve shirt today, so there must be some hope. There's something comforting for me in finding other ani fans after so many years of being the only one in my high school that had discovered the life saving abilities of this warrior songstress. Wearing the ani shirts is now a sort of calling. My favourite part is the code language surrounding the connections between us lovers of ani. When I wear my shirt, another fan will come up and say "I like your shirt". They will not gush about their love for ani, because she wouldn't want that. It's too superficial. So they sneakily identify themselves to me as a kindred in some way. A sister in the fellowship of difranco love. It happened today with a high school checkout girl at the grocery store, and about three weeks ago at the gym. Without the code I would have never pegged those girls as ani fans, but I'm glad they stepped out and engaged with me. With all of the bullshit out there it's nice that we can find some fellowship in the spaces between her notes. Some connection in everything she's meant for us and everything she's saved us from.


Funny. I started this post in the head-space of simply coming on to acknowledge how sad I have been in the past few days and that's why I haven't posted. I was going to mention how I cried on the bus on the way home tonight and had to hide it from the girl sitting next to me. I suppose i can't have my tragic beauty without a little melancholy now and then.

"My favourite pace to do it is... really fast."

We were talking about public sex. Nomi said that in Jack's neighbourhood people can call the cops on you if they see you performing sexual acts in front of a window. Simultaneously Tama and I said "What about that window masturbation guy. He got off". There was a pause, followed by loud out of control laughter for about ten minutes.

Is this offensive?

Jess and I were just flipping channels and when we hit the Black Entertainment Television channel the screen was all black with white lettering that said:

BET
Canadian
Blackout

We paused for a moment thinking maybe it was a joke, or the opening of a Canadian comedy hour. And then we laughed.

jinx

I jinxed myself with that post last night. I can feel the toxins in my brain dripping down and every towel I have to dry them up seems already soaked.

Thunderbird's Got Some Grieving To Do

I came to the brink of a panic attack last night, but didn't quite cross over. Other than that it's been awhile since I've broken and I think that right now I'm more okay than I have been in the past nine months. The other day I got an e-mail from a friend asking me what my emotional struggle-fest was all about and for a moment I actually couldn't remember. I had to pause to remember what I was all fucked up about. Incredible! That was the moment when I finally felt like I was out of this.

Everything that was awful is still present. I'm getting my MS results in five weeks, I still don't know what I'm doing in my life, or even for my summer, and though I'm together at the moment, there are a lot of things in T-dot that seem to trigger me. But I'm okay. Ultimately I couldn't have done this semester as a full semester and I desperately needed to be in all the groups that I'm doing (not because they are particularly amazing, but because they are something I'm actively doing to regain some control). Part of it too is that I just kind of decided that I didn't want to be fucked up anymore and that instead of trying to fix everything and beating myself up for the fact that I have a brain and a body that wants to destroy me, I should just be aware that I will get depressed again and have more anxiety attacks, but I'm feeling okay right now so I should try to relax. It's kind of working.

This past weekend I read Weetzie Bat by Francesca Lia Block for my Adolescent Lit course. I encourage anyone to read it as it is quick and beautiful and as I nervously pulled into Toronto I read this quote which basically sums up how I tend to be feeling right now:

"I don't know about happily ever after... but I know about happily."

14 year old girl reality

I rode the greyhound today behind three girls who actually live in the 14 year old girl game. It was shocking and ridiculous. At one point the conversation went like this:

Loud Girl: Yeah I'm a Women's Studies minor, but like, my boyfriend said to me "you're not going to become a man hater are you?" and I was like, no, I'm interested in Women's Studies but I'm definitely not a bra-burner.

Blond girl: Yeah I'm definitely not a feminist.

iPod Girl: Yeah me neither.

Loud girl: Yeah I'm totally not a feminist because they're so annoying. I mean, I kind of like that men rule the world. And yeah, remember that episode of wife swap where that feminist yelled at that woman for doing things for her husband? I mean just let people do what they want.

Honest to God truth. I wanted to throw up and yell at them. I didn't say anything though. I couldn't think of a persuasive 'in' to show them how misguided they really are. It's like that ani verse:

people, we are standing at ground zero
of the feminist revolution
yeah, it was an inside job
stoic and sly
one we're supposed to forget
and downplay and deny
but i think the time is nothing
if not nigh
to let the truth out
coolest f-word ever deserves a fucking shout!
i mean
why can't all decent men and women
call themselves feminists?
out of respect
for those who fought for this
i mean, look around
we have this

It just hurts so much to hear people taking everything for granted. And the fact that that one girl was actually a Women's Studies minor!?! I was so riled up when I got home I put on Little Plastic Castle and actually did dishes because I needed desperately to do something with my hands. I wish I hadn't felt so silenced in the moment, but I just wanted so badly to open up their minds that I was afraid I might smash all of their heads together in the process.

monday nights at the Box could only be better with tassles

All riled up and full of cannolli and pop Jess, Tama and I just had a stress-relieving striptease. We're rapidly running out of shame, and isn't that the way the world should be?

Me and My Jum-Jums

This morning has been an adventure. After staying up far too late last night I got out of bed this morning and headed downtown with Jess for our first experience in waxing with Regina. Regina the Vagina lady. Regina is amazing! Quoting her here will not do her justice as part of her charm is her cheerful accent, looks and mannerisms. When we arrived she asked if it was our first time and then escorted us up the stairs and said "Oh I've got myself a couple of virgins! I'm not going to lie to you, this is going to hurt. But the second, third, fourth time... it gets better." She called us sweeties right away and was kind and welcoming and completely free of judgement. She also told me multiple times that I was "so cute". I think it's because of the universal truth that when chubby girls get waxed it's cute. I don't think I'm really in love with the whole waxed look and feel, but I'd go back just to see her again! The waxing itself wasn't so terrible. It was the kind of pain where in the moment you can't wait for it to be over, but once it's done you feel like it wasn't so bad. Like a piercing.

Afterwards Jess, Tama and I went out for breakfast at the Cornerstone where we chatted about our yonis and their new outfits and movement and shapes. There was much giggling and scandalizing of those seated around us. It was very alterna-Sex and the City. We also came up with the phrase "Stay-quo" (derrived from status quo) to describe people who just aren't doing anything to challenge societies norms. For example "shopping at the GAP is so Stay-quo!". There was also more development into my alter-ego Thunderbird. More on that Later.

Thunderbird's Gonna Sleep With Your Girlfriend!

I finally finished all the assignments and whatnot this week so I'm celebrating by watching Strike! and sitting on the floor bed. There are so many things I want to do tonight before I head to t-dot tomorrow. Sometimes I'm more ambitious than realistic. Tomorrow morning we're waking up really early to go for an adventure in hair removal. It shall be entertaining for all. I'll blog it when I get home.

10pm: The Pudding Hour

I'm currently doing everything in my power to procrastinate. I have two short papers due tomorrow and the evening is slowly slipping away. My timeline for today got screwed, which is fine... just annoying. My forehead is still broken and it aches annoyingly. You can't see them, but you can actually feel the knots. Terrible.

The presentation today went fairly well. It was worth 0% so we didn't try as hard as we could have if marks were at stake. I dramatically re-inacted the way that the character Isabella throws herself at men which got a pretty satisfying laugh, so I suppose it was all worthwhile.

So far tonight I've made an elaborate thai dinner, watched box-model, watch Episode 8 of The 'Bu three times (it's my favourite right now), did an hour of e-mail correspondence, had a pudding hour with the ladies, had a shower, and now I'm blogging and talking to steve and Matty Price. I guess it's time to write.

No Thang Abbey: Longing For Balls

As we prepared for our presentation tomorrow on Jane Austen's "Northanger Abbey" it occured to Jess and I that we've never actually done a presentation together. The title above is the title of our actual presentation originating from the line: "Such was Catherine Morland at ten. At fifteen, appearances were mending; she began to curl her hair and long for balls." It was probably around fifteen that I started longing for balls myself. These are our initial notes:

Ideas:
- Make out for five straight minutes
- Fondle each others breasts while saying “Catherine Morland” deep and dramatically
- Take frequent dance breaks

Yeah. We'll be fine.

Interesting...

I am also emerald green, but I don't know how I feel about my weather. Maybe I should try to live up to it?

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous People will stop and watch you when you appear Even though you're capable of random violence You are best known for: your power Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

He is... how you say... a bag of douche.

I have a presentation tomorrow and an essay proposal due. I'm sitting on the couch watching tv. And I will do this until 11pm when Gilmore Girls end. I am SOOOOOOOO looking forward to Thursday. I'll be done my work, I'll bake some damn cookies, and I'll giggle like there's no tomorrow... while at the same time really looking forward to that tomorrow. This weekend is accidentally turning into multiple nights of getting my drink on.

Everything's Good. Everything's Nice. Intrauterine Device.

I'm wasting my time. It's pretty fancy. There's a pizza on the way which is ridiculous. There's so much to get through between now and Thursday night! Good thing there's a Friday morning adventure in waxing planned. Smooth.

what's the story Wishbone?

I just had a fairly excellent visit with the benwood last night and today. It was really nice to see my family in Guelph and have my sweet love dog stay over for a night! This past weekend I read three books, patched my jeans, sewed up a hole in my pjs, and repaired a bra. I'm pretty pleased that I got so much done. I still ended up staying up until 5am last night reading and watching Whale Rider for class. Bah. This is going to be an exciting week work-wise.

I got home and accidentally took a three hour nap. I'm still kind of recovering from it. I hate that "just woke up" feeling. Jess and I had a little dinner and watched a few episodes of Clone High which sparked our shocking love for Will Forte again. That's it, in ten years I will be a writer for SNL. Mark my damn words.

After Clone High Jess and I laughed histerically about the fact that if it weren't for Wishbone we wouldn't be English Majors. That dog sparked our literary interest! We have to read Northanger Abbey for a presentation on Wednesday and the whole thing would be much better if we had a corresponding episode of Wishbone to show to our class. We should write that dog a thank you note.

Also, I somehow broke my forehead. I don't know what I did to it, but it doesn't work anymore. It feels really tight and sore and somehow I can't make it go back to a regular relaxed state. I keep catching myself making frowny forehead invonluntarily. It hurts and is out-of-control uncomfortable.

But then this really pretty girl who you always really liked shows up to your funeral and that's a real mixed blessing.

I didn't particularly leave the house today, but I did get a few things accomplished... which is good. I'm currently planning on doing some clothing repairs and maybe a little silkscreening before the evening is over. I'm ridiculously excited about SNL tonight. It's how I survive. Right now I'm eating dinner and watching episodes of The 'Bu. Very satisfying.

Pulp What Now?

Jess and I just spent the last 2 hours 33 minutes and 37 seconds watching Pulp Fiction. We then stared at each other blankly and confusedly for a long time. Then tried to decide if we were hungry or nauseous. Okay, we appreciate the unique organization of the film and the style of it all... but basically some shit happens and Samuel L. Jackson has a revelation? What? Is the point that everyone who isn't biblical get screwed? What happens to Butch? Why do I even care? What about Esmerelda? Wasn't that weird? We spent the whole damn movie feeling so anxious we could barely focus on the dialogue. We're all tense now. I guess I was just expecting to be more satisfied. Though I have seen the Kill Bills and what-not, so maybe my ground has already been too broken. Now we're going to watch some nice straight-forward Sex and the City.

Time to Breathe

Well, my Steve just left on a greyhound. Owee owee ow. He came last night and I cried when I saw him. Of course I had just stumbled out of a particularly difficult bereavement group session which is where the tears originated. Anyway, I fittingly cried when he arrived, and again when he left. It was really nice to have him here and to know that he was in bed waiting for me while I was in class. Oh man this is no way to run a relationship. By the way my steve is blogging again, so check him out thusly

Jess and I are just going to have a relaxed evening of Coyote Ugly and Lonely Island.

the fourteen year old girl game

The fourteen year old girl game is a game where we talk like fourteen year old girls about boys and drinking and how important it is to be popular. We'll play it for you some time. Jess and I also have a pact of sorts about songs that we're going to sing for each other at our weddings and funerals. Very drunkenly or course. Jess is going to sing "It Had To Be You" at my wedding and I'm going to sing "Over the Hills and Far Away" at Jess' wedding, including all of the musical interludes. Jess is going to sing "Dust in the Wind" at my funeral and I'm going sing "Lay Lady Lay" at her funeral. Let's see who dies first! We're singing "Miss Independent at Tama's wedding with a particular screech on "What happened to Miss Independent" and a sultry emphasis on "She fell in love". We're still waiting for Nomi's wedding song to come to us. It's just sort of magical the way that it happens.

Happy International Women's Day

I am a feminist.
I can discern how much space I am taking up. I know when it is too little.
I know what the word colonial means. My body has been colonized. My history is that of colonizers.
I am aware of my responsability. There will always be something more to fight for.
I know that I will not receive equal pay for work of equal value. Not yet at least.
I feel the pain of women who have been raped and abused. I am afraid. This makes me angry.
I know what the word patriarchy means. I know that shyness is its tool. I struggle to speak.
I question my right refer to women as my sisters. I try to educate myself about experiences that are not my own.
I want to teach. It's time for a world where no woman regards "Feminist" as the F-word.
I know that I have been oppressed. This has influenced my character, but does not define me.
"Feminist" is in my definition.
I am a feminist. I will influence this world.

Macelod Oh Macelod Come Rescue Me

A special thanks goes out to Jessica Macleod who saved my life today. If anyone wants to send her an appreciative gift basket I'm sure she would graciously accept it.

Having fun guy one? The most fun in the world!

Well, Jess and I sent off our first fan e-mail ever to the guys of The Lonely Island. We think they'll write back, because it was pretty damn witty. Like in my dream last night... I was dream-witty and I guess it just transfered on to the page. There's no stopping our brilliance and determination when it comes to these guys. We are comedy groupies and proud of it. I mean, we could be their muses and laugh at all of their jokes. Or we could just hold their beverages while they write. We're really not picky.

Now the secret hope is that either "procrasturbation" or "half-assed-turbation" end up on SNL and I get a nod of recognition. That would be earth-shatteringly satisfying. I'm beginning to feel more and more that if I want to live my dream of writing for SNL I've got to start planning out how I'm going to move to New York and get in there. Oh to work on such a deadline and to have the chance to be an extra! Oh to be bossed around by Tina Fey... This is the dream my friends.

I'm not quite feeling ready for this week to start, but I guess I have no choice. We had a laid back Sunday that included some internet purchases, watching "Now and Then" twice, watching "Fried Green Tomatoes" once, and of course the Oscars. Jon Stuart did a solid job, and the show was overall enjoyable.

In the middle of our uber-pubescent-crush-leading-to-turning-back-to-old-teen-favourite-films I also found out today that for some reason the film "Strike"! had it's name changed to "All I Wanna Do". What the hell? I wanted to get it under its Australian title "The Hairy Bird", but the format would be wrong. So disappointing. I guess I'll just have to alter the cover when it gets here.

Wish us luck with The Lonely Island boys!

P-A-R-T-WHY? Cuz we got to!

Saturday we stumbled out of bed thanks to a phone call from Nomi about a meeting we were supposed to be at. We didn't go to the meeting. Instead Jess and I sat and watched Casper with the same heart hurting enthusiasm from the day before. Yes, yes we screamed and cried at Casper. We then decided to go out and find the movies "Now and Then" and "Strike" because of their brilliance and their influence on our development. But, apparently we're old now, because you can't rent either of these movies at Rogers and they don't sell them anywhere. We were able to track down "Now and Then" at HMV, but "Strike" is going to be more difficult to find. Ah well.

After Casper Jess and I went for a walk in the woods behind our house. It was really nice to go out there. We had a deep conversation about soulmates and kindred spirits. Jess and I both agreed that we are soulmates. Jess has a theory that everyone gets seven soulmates, not just one. And kindred spirits are one step down from soulmates. A kindred spirit is someone that you feel connected to to the point that they can go away for a long time and come back and you still feel the same level of connection. There's no limit to how many kindred spirits you can have. Soulmates are a little deeper. The love and connection is more intense. We decided that romantic love complicates soulmates because there's that threat of a break up. The fact that there's physical aspect to romantic relationships confuses the whole soulmate concept even further. Anyway, it was a good walk.

The evening was a struggle with bitterness. First we couldn't find the movies we wanted, then we forgot a bag of groceries at the Ultra... the whole thing just took a really long time. When we got home we made large quantities of taco salad and ate while we watched the end of "Pootie Tang". Then it was time for "Now and Then". God I love that movie. There was more screaming and squealing and oh yes we did cry. By the time the movie ended Jess and I turned to each other and held each other while we sobbed. So much love. So much missing our early teens and everything this movie meant to us back then.

After that we walked over to Tito's to get some pop and then watched the first 15 minutes of "Fried Green Tomatoes" before SNL started. Oh SNL, it's all becoming more interesting. Last night was an incredibly solid episode. Probably the best I've seen in a while. The best part about SNL at the moment is that it allows us to scream for the love of Andy and Jorma and Akiva. Jorma and Akiva are now writers and Andy is a featured player. Boy do we love them. Jorma and Akiva were extras in two sketches last night and it almost killed us. We crawl-ran at the tv and just pointed and screamed. We later realized we should have been taping the episode so we could have gone back to watch and pause for the love of them. This love is starting to be out of hand. I had a dream about them last night where I was trying to convince myself that Steve would be okay with me making out with Andy Samberg because it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Yes. It just hurts to love them. We maintain we didn't know the true meaning of that Philosopher Kings song until this week. Tonight we write them an e-mail. Who knows, a trip to New York may be in order very soon!

When In Doubt, Tits Out!

Friday Jess and I woke up and we just did not want to go to class. So we didn't. Instead we made some breakfast and sat watching tv. We were flipping and we landed on City where a younger Dakota Fanning was kissing some boy on a beach and lightning struck. We were intrigued. Then Ethan Embry's name came up and we just couldn't turn away. The film turned out to be Sweet Home Alabama, and for some reason we loved it.

See, ever since we discovered our love for the lonely island boys Jess and I have been suffering from too much love. We have just been explosively over-emotional from the love and we can't help it! I was late meeting Tama at the gym because I so desperately needed to see the end of this movie. We sat and we screamed and we jumped up and down and we cried at all the cuteness. This event has pretty much set the tone for this weekend.

That night there was yet another Drag Yer Ass Out and I again I decided not to go boy. I wore my uber-cleave New Years shirt and was pleased. The show was a show, with the highlight of a burlesque act that involved my roommate and underwear. Excellent. Matt and I had a bit to drink which was fun, because we never do that. Then we came back to the box and he blew my mind by putting two pop tarts in the same toaster hole. My God wisdom does come with age. :o) And yes, as he mentioned it was a freakishly satisfying giggle-fit before bed.

She made the eyebrows, like maybe I should stop... but she said nothing.

Well my evening turned out different than I had anticipated. We did have our copious amounts of kraft dinner, but we did not get a movie. We ended up getting a preview of tomorrow nights burlesque performance for Drag Yer Ass Out. Nothing like four ladies dancing for you in their underwear. If I had been feeling 100% better it would have been perfect, but I'm still in the process of recovering so the high energy felt like a little much.

By the time everyone left it was after eleven so Tama got on the phone and Jess got on to doing other things. I started trying to get my outfit together for tomorrow but have been severely disappointed. Turns out my boy pants are a little tight, so I just look like a femmey dyke in my boy pants and beater. And Tama's boy pants that are huge on her look like incredibly hot girl pants on me. Fuck! So I guess when in doubt, cleave it out. It just seems like a cop out if I'm going with Mark, Matt and Tama and they'll all be in drag. Bah. Tama asked if Matt was my date... I said it's a problem if your date keeps reminding you how unattractive he finds you. :o)

Right now I'm just hoping that I don't end up alone among three couples. Stupid boyfriends being loyal to their friends at home. Stupid me not knowing how to be a bitchy demanding girlfriend! With my new plan of not commiting to going to T-dot until the last minute it's making the whole longdistance thing harder. The not knowing when the next time we see each other will be can make me sadder than I need it to. I had a brief post-phone call cry, followed by some self-destructive pizza, but I'm okay. Not an anxiety attack, just sad.

So now I'm conciously not doing my reading for tomorrow. I'm just enjoying the couch and the tv and the cats chasing each other around.

Like Procrasturbation, but with less purpose.

I coined a new term this morning! Half-assed-turbation. For those moments when you just feel like "Well, I seem to be doing it anyway".

I have a tendency to exist. And I like that.

I'm a little feverish at the moment, but at least I can account for my dizziness right now. Woot. I also tricked/encouraged Jess to make me matzo ball soup which I am so freakin' thankful for. Getting up is too hard. Also reading, reading is too hard. I've been getting nine or ten hours of sleep per night and the sick doesn't seem to want to get better yet, I'm just hoping my head will be less cloudy by the time of my quiz at 2:30pm tomorrow. Woot. Tomorrow's my longest day so I'm hoping I'll make it. It's also the day of a new group, so that will be intriguing. Though I hate making first impressions when I'm sick.

T.J. and Jess are upstairs studying right now in a very giggly way which is good. My new method of breaking their stress is showing them sweet underboob. Jess got a lot of underboob last night because Tama was having solitary stress. Maybe now that she knows the power of the underboob she'll come to me for relief. I save the left one for severe cases because it has my powerful Vanilla Sky mole. I'll let you know if I have to whip them out tonight.